Feeling lonely

[Blueshoe]

Hi , posted in another thread, im new, its taking alot of guts to reach out alive been bullied online, but the ppl here seem genuine, and I’ve had good responses so far,that’s a compliment. I’m feeling ,lost anxiety through roof and still wishing I could have a normal relationship with my partner, silly as I know he just gets hypercritical of me ,its now always mentioning about not being happy before it was im always mentioning health, issues, so I’ve come to the realisation nothing I say will be good enough ,my tones wrong, gray rock doesn’t work he accused me of manipulation, i doesn’t matter how happy I appear its not good enough, he did thank me for doing dinner and stuff im trying to get mentally strong enough to see through hes caring side but its hard ,could i be trauma bonded? Any affection or nice caring side I fall for,I know there’s a pattern of stress, mean,no stress nice behaviour! Dr definitely said medical issues could cause irritation, hes probably going to start meds soon ,im still deeply bonded to him ,i wish I could just let go, dose anyone know how they managed it? I’m so used to dysfunctional relationships this seems normal, ive yet to find a Councillor who deals with this, last one said about the nice things he said, she seemed and thought his meaness was cause he was worried about me? The other one I saw basically said a out not annoying him, she didn’t understand ive tried that ,anything and everything annoys him ,he’s vert I very entitled in his mean words ,he things he has a right cause he’s stressed he said he’s not close to me as I told him to turn loud music down, he admitted it was loud at the time, im not knocking the councillors but they didn’t understand the dynamic of whats happening. I’m grieving the loss of are relationship when he was more close to me, i miss him fancying me and the couples pet names, ive with him so long, I feel depressed i can’t let go, im trying to be nice to myself , im starting to think he has a personality disorder as he doesn’t lifelike being told about his bad behaviour he gets angry at me, so I try not to do that, I dont want to feel depressed i try so hard not to ,like filling my day with hobbies or household chores but I’m still on eggshells around him, my mum recently sided with him, and so has his family, ive tried to keep a journal of events. This pandemic has made me feel more isolated as I’m sure it has for others, sorry for rambling I just needed to get my feelings out. I think I need a professional therapist who deals with this I don’t know where to turn. I feel this a minefield anything that could keep me in touch with reality would be good rather than hanging on to a relationship fantasy that doesn’t exist. Hope everyone is well.

[KIP.]

Good morning x what brought me to reality was Women’s Aid. Try to contact your local branch and seek support. Reading Living with the Dominator was a real eye opener for me. My painful lightbulb moment. That he chooses to hurt me. That he can keep his temper around others and is only abusive when there are no witnesses which proves he’s in control. That his drinking doesn’t cause his abuse, he does. Yes you’re very probably trauma bonded to you abuser. They push us off a cliff then come and rescue us and we are grateful. How very mixed up is that? Google gaslighting. He probably uses lots of tactics and you are stuck in the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Also, if you have health problems google psychosomatic. For years I had heart palpitations which were panic attacks. Overactive thyroid due to the stress. A headache for two years. Constant muscle pain, back pain, shoulder pain. That’s all down to the stress of being abused. I’ve been free now for several years and have had none of those problems since. So educating yourself, building a life away from your abuser so you’re not so dependent on him and having a good support network. Women’s aid, your GP, friends and family that understand. Our headspace shrinks when we are being abused leaving little headspace to work out what the hell is going on so keeping a journal really helps to see his pattern of behaviour and his gas lighting and word salad. Reading a bit about n**********c abuse syndrome helped me too. Knowledge Is Power. KIP x

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