2nd January 2016 at 9:42 pm #7005
Im feeling lonely tonight and miss my ex, I know hes controlling but when I read other stories on here I feel that mine is nothing to what some of you go though.
Im trying to justify to myself why I gave up and yes he is/was a cheat and was never faithful to me, his wife, his girlfriends that broke us up, even the one he is with now he cheated on her but because it was with me it doesnt feel like he actually cheated and when I said to him about it he said he didnt cheat and when I said but you cheated on her with me he said thats was ok because it was with me, may be thats where i have got this weird thought of well it was ok because I was more important however he is still with her and I had to leave my home and my whole life behind, well I guess I chose too. Sometimes I wonder if that was the right choice because now Im alone and hes living life to the full with her. Im not sure is he is truly happy but from what I know of him nothing I did made him happy. As she is a lot younger than him I guess she will fulfill his need for exciting even though our life wasnt boring but he always complained about something.
I miss the life style we had but I dont miss the control and walking on eggs shells when ever we went out or there was more than just me in the room as I would have to make sure I showed him a lot of attention.
Before I left the house and before all the pleading for us to stay together from him I found a list of things they had planned to do, on there was things that we had planned and some new things that were hers but he knew they were what I wanted to do. I now feel that they will being doing those things and it hurts. This may make me sound like a jealous brat but I wonder could I have carried on putting up with his ways but that would mean I would stay for material reasons which is so far from the truth of how and why I was with him.
I fell for this guy for all the amazing things I felt about him not what he could give to me, so why did he blow what we had. After nearly 2 decades he stuffed us good and proper this time. I dont want to blame him completely as I let him treat me the way he did all because I loved him and now I have been discarded like a piece of rubbish.
I was also thinking about my dog I used to have he died a few years ago. When I was with my ex slowly he changed the things I did with my dog – where he slept from on my bed to shutting him the kitchen, the rooms he went in etc. just so you know this was in my own house. when my dog died I had to have him put down and my ex was with me, when the vet said you can take him home with some medicine but you will be back, I looked at my ex and he nodded his head to put him down, even though I know deep down this was for the best I know that my ex wanted me to do it so he had reason to be the hero and rescue me from the pain but it was a plan to get rid of him so I would move back into his house as he didnt want my dog anymore.
His new woman got a dog and he went with her to choose it and when I said how come she has got a dog with you as you dont like dogs he said I dont like them but I cant tell someone else not to get one. When we talked about getting another one he put all the reasons in the way to make it impossible for me to get one. sorry that is just something sad on my mind and has been for sometime now. I had to leave our cat behind who I also miss so much and I know she hates dogs which is another reason why we didn’t get a dog so I worry about her with his girlfriends dog.
Im not really sure what I miss but its something and may be not my ex at all.
3rd January 2016 at 12:58 am #7020SugarParticipant
I completely get your feelings about your animals. My partner did similar with my dog. If my dog walks in the laminate flooring he complains that he hates her as she is making two much noise. If she barks it drives him insane. I had her from a pup and she had always slept with me. He put a stop to that as soon as he moved in. She then suffered separation anxiety and began weeing on the floor at night. So now she has to be locked in her cage at night. She cries every night when I put her in there. She’s no longer allowed to sit on the furniture either and I find myself getting cross if she wines because I know it will make him angry. It’s horrible my dog is like one of my babies and I’m finding myself neglecting her to keep him quiet. Such cruel cruel men 😢 I feel really lonely tonight also and very consumed with thoughts of him. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been in out situation could even begin to fathom how hard this is x
3rd January 2016 at 2:59 pm #7050MaggieParticipant
Im feeling very lonely and confused, it was my choice to end the relationship, my life had changed so much, i wasnt allowed to go out, contact with family and friends, a phone or lap top, i could only work hours around him, he controlled my job via texts demanding me home, he bought plain underwear for me to wear when i was in work, i wasnt allowed to wear anything but his shirt in the house, wasnt allowed to have a bath on my own, go to bed on my own, if i did it was to try and defuse a arguement he would come into the bedroom and rip all the clothes off me leaving
Me naked on the bed for up to an hour(i wasnt allowed clothes in bed), meal times were so difficult, i would plate our food if he did actually come into the kitchen he would take half of my food off my plate telling me i was a fat c..t, every day he would call me a fat c..t or ugly c..t, i would be in tears, degraded, humiliated, other meal times consisted of him sitting on the sofa,i would be expected to take his meal to him, his cutlery abd juice, again when i sat next to him with a meal the usual comments would happen, despite my meals being considerably less, the violence was awful, he had me pinned to the floor as he attempted to strangle me, he would spit in my face, hold my face so tight i would have thick lips and bruises, he would raise his hand arm quickly to frighten me it was like living on eggshells, i would wake up to him screaming in my face, cold water over me and so much more, my emotions were on a constant rollacoaster one minute he would be telling me he loved me the next he hated me, back in october i attempted to take my own life i couldnt cope anymore it was my only way out of the bullying, the name calling and contant threats of hurting me, i also suffered massive finance loss, he would constantly be searching web site for cars, vans, tools, but he had no money in the past year he had only worked for 3months, but his demands for items were huge and if i didnt give in his moods were awful, he lost his job so many times through his anger and inabilty to be social to other people, my biggest regret was my lack of contact from my two children his jealousy was hard to handle he refered to my son a spoiled bas…..d and my daughter a scanky b***h, i wasnt allowed contact with them they werent allowed in the house, i got to the point where i didnt allow the children in the house i was frighten an argument would arise and he would hit them. I ensured i maintained contact but i would have to delete phone calls and texts as he checked my phone daily. I lost complete control ending up not knowing we i was, its been three weeks since he left we have had contact via text, but on both occasions he was hard showing no emotions, xmas eve the texts started at 9am he was awful i cried all day but i guess thats wanted he wanted to achieve,i know hes come to the house he was seen and i know hes tried to scare me by playimg games the windows which i now were closed were open when i got home, despite me changing the locks on the doors, life is really lonely im thankful for my children and my dogs but why do i miss him and cant stop crying xx
Sorry its a long post x
3rd January 2016 at 3:17 pm #7051
Wow you have been put though hell. We love them because of past trauma which is why most of us write on here about trauma bonding theres is stuff on the internet if you have access to the internet at home or somewhere. They have conditioned us to love them and only them so when we step out off line we are pulled back in to think but its only them and after they have been horrible they then love bomb us so we think its all good until the next time.
If you have fear around him doing to your house phone the police or contact womens aid the first few months after leaving can be the worst but Im not saying this stops or never happens months year down the line. I have been away only for a few months and havnt heard a thing but when I was still living with him he played up big style and he has/add another woman so I couldnt understand why he would play up but its because they can and they want control because your taking back your own life.
If you can stay very strong because all he wants is to control you again. If you get the love bombing that isnt him loving you thats his tactic.
Hes sounds like he has Narcissistic personality disorder or one of the disorders – if you can look up Melanie Tonia Evans she is very good at explaining stuff and finding ways to heal. She went through domestic abuse relationships herself so she knows what shes talking about.
Big hug and stay safe
3rd January 2016 at 3:39 pm #7055MaggieParticipant
I have taken your advice tamra and checked melanie tonia evans out her words really do run true, i have no intention on speaking to him or seeing him for me this really is the end xx
3rd January 2016 at 4:26 pm #7058
Thats great to hear Maggie and well done for finding the courage to walk free xx
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