Feeling Lost

[Looking4Rainbows]

Hi,
I’ve just joined up here after leaving my husband (detail removed by moderator) ago. I was often on this site beforehand trying to work out that I was experiencing abuse as I really thought I was going crazy. I have realised what I was experiencing was emotional abuse, controlling and gaslighting. Even though I still keep asking myself if it wasn’t bad as I thought and if I exaggerated the extent of it in my mind. He told me that I’m all messed up in my head because my Dad died suddenly (detail removed by moderator). My little girl is also saying things about how mean and rude Daddy was to my friends which is really upsetting so makes me realise it was really plus friends and family have commented too. I left because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore, just constantly walking on eggshells trying to be the person he wanted me to be, keeping quiet and not questioning anything otherwise being talked to like I was a child. He used to follow me right up close to me around the flat which was so intimidating asking me what I was doing constantly so that I could barely breathe.

I feel so lost right now, I expected to feel so much happier but I just feel really sad and cry at anything. I’m scared about how I will manage especially financially and I’m worried whether I am strong enough mentally to be a single mother. I had a messed up childhood and I really don’t want my daughter to have the same. I feel like I just want to sleep and sleep as I’m so exhausted but somehow I get up each day and go through the motions for my daughter. My husband doesn’t make any contact to see how his daughter is. He doesn’t want to discuss anything just as he never did.

I know it’s only early days and I hope I will start to feel stronger. I just want to find myself again as I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m lucky to have a Friend who has let me stay with her until I can figure everything out.

Anyway sorry to write so much for my first post just felt the need to say some of what I was thinking.

Thinking about everyone on their journeys.

Xx

[Fudgecake]

Looking4rainbows, what you did by taking control of a situation causing you harm was a brave thing to do. It is scary and you do feel lost and alone. Remember though that these are early days and it it will take time to find yourself once more. But you will. And you will be stronger and wiser. A time of change is scary but it is an open door to new opportunities. Take things slowly as you’ve walked through fire to get to this point. Heal yourself and take comfort in knowing that your strength will be an asset when you’re ready to rebuild your life.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi and welcome. You have been incredibly brave doing what you have. I remember the first weeks of realising who I was living with. Like yourself all I wanted to do was sleep, it totally floors you. What I would suggest is keeping a journal regarding how he’s having nothing to do with your child, it might come to fighting over custody in the future, saying yours keeping her from him etc. But if you begin now noting when he’s due to see her, and not showing up this will be future evidence. It’s too much to take in in the beginning . Keep posting, and reading others posts. Knowledge is power especially where abuse is concerned. Have you spoken to WA yet or your doctor. Doctors are a great source for future involvement with solicitors too. Let them know how his behaviour has made you feel. We can advise you on anything. Some of us are still with the abuser, many have left but selflessly are still on here advising us still. To those ladies I personally am eternally grateful. 💛
Realising the person who’s claimed to love us and care for us is capable of such despicable behaviour is soul destroying, but I promise slowly but surely you’ll have better days. You’ll still have days when the enormity hits you but I promise you, you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Look up FOG and trauma bonding, they’ll help to keep you away and from hopefully going back.

None of this is your fault, nothing you’ve done has made him in to this abusive man, this is who he was all along, he wore a mask before, the mask has been removed and you see him for what he is now. Keep your friends abd family close, talk to them, they’ll open up now yours away from him. Your future awaits you, a future without fear of walking on eggshells, without worrying that you’ve said or done something wrong.

IWMB 💕💕

[EbonyRaven]

After he was removed from my home I too felt utterly exhausted for the first few weeks. It takes the body a while to get used to not being flooded with the fight/flight chemicals all the time.

I am starting to breathe a little again now, and have been resting a lot, taking a lot of quiet time for myself, doing little things each day to keep the house running, but mostly allowing myself to begin healing. It takes time, and self care. You’ll get there.

Speak with your local domestic abuse agency if you haven’t already, and go in for a chat. They’ll help you to sort out finances etc. You’re both safe now, and that is the very best start. Things will work out from there. x

[Looking4Rainbows]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It really helps to know I’m not alone and can talk to others who really understand. EbonyRaven I have felt the same about not being able to breathe. I almost feel like I can’t remember how to just relax. I feel guilty if I sit down for a moment. I don’t know why.

Yes I have been to the Dr, he has signed me off for a month and prescribed me antidepressants. I’m not sure whether to take them but I will see as I do spend a lot of time in tears and have a lot of anxiety attacks. My counsellor says that she feels like I am grieving for the loss of my marriage, the changes which have happened in the past few weeks which kind of makes sense.

Keeping a diary is a good idea too Iwantmeback.

Thank you for all the advice and support, I appreciate it. My little girl is just amazing, she is helping me through this, seeing her happiness and how she keeps saying she doesn’t want to go back. She’s relaxed, she sleeps so much more easily, she’s less clingy and is loving all the attention from my friends which she wasn’t getting from her Dad.

Thank you x

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