4th February 2021 at 11:41 am #121040ALittleLifeParticipant
Hi, this is my first post and I’m not sure where ai can go for help and advice.
I am in a relationship if you can call it that, there has been no physical side of the relationship for a long time. Ive tried to get him to leave so many times but he wont. I think i am beginning to realise that ive been locked into a viciuos circle and i need to find a way to break it. It feels like i live with an unwanted lodger that does nothing to help out but will pick a fight with me if the house gets messy. When arguements happen it will quickly escalate to him tthreatening with talk of taking the children from me, he says things like I am not a good mum and if i take things further he will use photos he has raken to make sure the kids are taken from me, he calls me pretty much every name under the sun, he will accuse my parents of doing awful things, he never attends family gatherings and will call me selfish if I go to them. He claims that the xhildren are the world to him but he does nothing with them, he doesnt play with them, he thinks a 1 minute conversation is enough. I do all the cooking, cleaning, bedtime routines, homeschooling, taking them out and so on.
He makes snide comments on a daily basis, if i am cooking he will say things like ‘(removed by moderator)’, if i reply with something he will then say i should get a sense of humour. He constantly lies about things, past memories are changed to make him the victim, always the victim, that everything that has happened is my fault because i dont know remember things correctly. If i do stand my ground, he will change it to another past situation, always dragging up the past and that i am useless and have done nothing with my life where he believes he has done everything.
I know i have changed as a person and ive lost my self esteem, i feel lost, trapped, scared but i am beginning to get some fight back and this is where i need someone to tell me that this isnt all in my head, that i am not going crazy and that this is not normal.
4th February 2021 at 4:30 pm #121067LisaMain Moderator
First, welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place for support and understanding as the women here will relate very much to your experiences. Know this is not in your head; you are experiencing emotional/psychological and coercive controlling behaviour which erodes anyone’s sense of self-worth.
This kind of abuse also creates confusion and makes it difficult for one to see the situation for what it is. Lying/gaslighting and blaming are common tactics to ensure you stay confused and doubting yourself as it ensures you’re less likely to take action for yourself.
For practical advice and support a good service to engage in is your local domestic abuse service. They will work confidentially with you. This is free to you, so use them on-going as you need. Search for your local here.
Please try not to let him intimidate you and make you believe he is going to take the children away. Again, get as much information and support around this concern so you can be sure of your rights and steps you need to take to ensure any child contact arrangements made are what is in the children’s best interests. Rights of Women offer free legal advice around this, and Coram specialise in child contact support.
I hope this can be a good start for some professional help around your situation.
Do continue to post here for invaluable insight and the validation you need to move forward.
All the best,
4th February 2021 at 5:11 pm #121069HawthornParticipant
Hi and welcome to the forum😊
Well done for reaching out, it’s all so confusing but he’s doing it deliberately. The confusion is a result of the abuse, it keeps us trapped. You are not going crazy, but he is subjecting you to crazy-making behaviour! Abusers blame us for everything and destroy our self-esteem with their criticism and lies. You do everything for your children, he does nothing. You are a great Mum, he is lying to you. Abusers only care about power and control but they are very predictable in the tactics they use. It feels personal but it’s not, he would treat any partner he had like this. It’s not you, its him.
Please reach out to Womens Aid, you need and deserve support. What he is doing is abuse. Please do not confront him with this knowledge, it could be very dangerous. Keep reaching out here and reading the other posts, I think you will see how much we all have in common, how we have all suffered in similar ways. You are not alone. Google the cycle of abuse, the power and control wheel and if you’re up for reading “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft is available to read for free online (I cant recommendreading this highly enough).
This isn’t in your head. You are NOT going crazy. And its definitely not OK. You dont deserve this, you deserve so much better.
Take care and keep posting xx
4th February 2021 at 10:40 pm #121096HettyParticipant
Welcome 🤗 you’ve taken a massive step sharing some of your story. You are not crazy. No wonder you’re feeling so lost. I’ve been there too. Channel that fight into seeking out support and considering your options. Don’t waste your time trying to get him to change or see sense. It won’t make a difference and might escalate the situation. I spoke with my local domestic abuse service a year ago. I went in and burst into tears. At no point did they tell me what to do but they did validate how I was feeling and helped me to consider options. I’m free now. It’s been a long journey for me but you can do it too. You don’t have to live this way. Don’t believe his lies. Keep a secret log if you can. It’ll help you feel in control and clear in your mind. Keep posting xx
4th February 2021 at 11:02 pm #121098EggshellsParticipant
I’m so saddened to hear how you are feeling. You have a lot of thoughts running through your head and it can sometimes be hard to make sense of everything when you are being manipulated in this way. If you re-read your post, you’ll see what social services will see. A good, caring attentative mother. He’s black mailing you into staying.
Please do keep a log of his behaviour from now on and if you can,perhaps consider secretly recording him. Reading back an accurate record of events and even better, listening to recordings will help you to see how he is playing on your fears.
Please consider contacting your local domestic abuse charity. If you getva good keyworker, they can be a really good sounding board and they can offer advice if you want it.
When you are ready, there are lots of recommendations of books to read which can help you to understand what is happening to you.
Just shout out. The ladies on here really know their stuff and are happy to help. xx
5th February 2021 at 11:04 am #121132ALittleLifeParticipant
Thank you for all of your replies. My biggest fear is that no one will believe me as its all a case of she says, he says scenario.
After the latest arguement, he has been completely different, he has done the washing up and has been interactive with the kids. So now i feel like it is all in my head. Ive woken up with a huge sense of dread and feeling very anxious today.
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