Feeling lost

[anotherlife]

I posted on here recently as I was in the middle of a bad patch where my partner had been giving me the silent treatment for nearly 2 weeks. This awful time, when he made me feel intimidated, taken for granted (as I still run around after our children, do most things at home and was less than (detail removed by Moderator) out of surgery) and frightened for my family’s future.
This time gave me time to look back over our years, of his temper getting worse (he’s nothing like the person he used to be), the way he speaks to me and the kids, the way he makes all the decisions, then moans about it – but any suggestions I make are met with negative answers, the sulking when I don’t want sex and making me feel bad (I have 24/7 pain but this doesn’t seem to matter), the times he’s flipped out over petty things or gone off in a strop – what kind of way to act in front of your kids! He goes out whenever he wants and does what he likes, he said recently that he might as well as I don’t do anything – I can hardly manage to fully dress myself some days at present!
It came to a head when he left the house in the middle of the night and returned (detail removed by Moderator) hours later, ready to talk. How grown up! I felt I had to give it a go and we spent hours talking, having a moan at each other (after he had really upset my son by saying he should listen – he’s not even a teenager yet and it was totally unfair!).
Anyway, I finally told him part of how I felt and how I didn’t like the person he has become and I’m scared of him. First time I’ve ever managed to say this. I said I couldn’t believe he could ever think it was ok to treat someone like this and ignore them for 2 weeks.
But he seemed to understand some of it and said he never wanted to be without me. It sounds like a tv show…
We decided to give ourselves another try but I feel so unsure. I still feel he only wants one thing and for me to be around to ok after the kids and he doesn’t want to be alone. But I don’t think underneath he even understands real love and it’s all gone anyway. When he’s not here, I don’t miss him at all. I feel so much more relaxed when he’s working away and when he’s returning, I feel nervous and disappointed. I feel he’s trying as he’s said a few things that have admitted he’s been wrong but I’m just waiting for the temper to rise again.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I just need to get it off my chest. Other people’s problems are so much worse but this is just nagging at me.

[Lisa]

Hi anotherlife,

I hope it has helped to offload to us, please do keep posting when you need to.

Take care,

Lisa

[Serenity]

Hi Another Life,

Please don’t minimise your situation. There is nothing more soul-destroying than living with someone who takes your peace, keeps you walking on eggshells – and, it sounds, makes you live with constant anxiety and fear due to their negative take and unrealistic expectations of the children.

I had that life and it was a living hell. You could have been talking about my ex-husband in your post.

I’ve been on this forum for a while now, and the general consensus is that abusers rarely change, though they might change their tactics. I suppose only time will tell if his explosive rages have gone, but be on the alert now for manipulation. They use fear, guilt and obligation to make you acquiesce. Keep in mind that you and your children don’t need to tolerate any behaviour that makes you scared, uncomfortable, intimidated oppressed. You all have the right to feel safe being yourselves, to make certain choices and to experience encouragement in your life.

I can identify with your feeling happy when he’s not there. My ex began going out all the time, and even took himself abroad alone. At first, I wanted to be supportive and allow him freedom to do what he loved; but as time went on I loved him being away.

I have a memory of the kids and I ordering pizza and having a ‘disco’ in the lounge one time he was abroad. It was the only time we felt safe to spoil ourselves and express ourselves, when he was thousands of miles away.

Whatever you decide, remember that you shouldn’t feel guilty over doing things to protect your and your childrens’ well-being.

X

[Author]

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