Feeling lost – am I making this into something it isn’t?

[Anonymous]

Sorry if I ramble, I have struggled so many times to put my experiences and feelings into words. When my husband and I met it was amazing he was so lovely and understanding but very quickly he became verbally abusive calling me awful names, he would push me whenever I was in his way and swear and belittle me in public, I let this continue and it became normal which I now know was wrong but I am to blame as I let it happen. We had babies and this is when I was at my lowest, I had absolutely no support from him emotionally or physically, I struggled to keep up with being a mum to 2 very young babies, the housework, working shifts and of course keeping up my happy exterior. If I moaned his response would be that it was my fault because I wanted children and he didn’t like babies that was my job, I worked too but my job is unimportant because he earns more than me. I one day broke down to my mum and left with my children. He came home and he was beside himself in bits, he made me bring the children home so he could see them despite this never bothering him before I felt awful for just walking out, so I went back for a chat and that’s was that, we ended up getting married and things did get a little better for some time, but now it has become the most confusing mentally exhaustive situation, I have no idea who’s right and who’s wrong anymore because any time I bring up my feelings I get told that I always make it about me and I don’t care about his feelings, which is actually true I resent him. I feel awful for saying that because he can be lovely, but it’s the way in which he speaks to me that destroys any feelings I gain back for him. He demands I stop doing things so he has my full attention, he tells me to shut up and that I am boring when I try to tell him about anything, this has destroyed my self confidence in so many ways and I have told him about this but again his response is that I knew what he was like and I chose to marry and have kids with him so I have to deal with it and stop acting like a victim because I have it good, and I get no hassle from him. That’s true I don’t, he doesn’t stop me from going out, and he doesn’t moan when the house is a little messy, although it is me who does all the housework anyway, he does moan that he never has clean clothes but I struggle keeping up with the washing pile during the week because I work full time. He often gets several days off in a row but never does any washing. He tells me that I am emotionally abusive because I won’t have sex with him, but I can’t I have absolutely no desire to have sex with him anymore, he often gropes me or says lewd things which are probably said as a joke but they physically make me feel uneasy, infact I have no idea if I actually feel any sort of emotion anymore because when I do I get called pathetic or soft. I suppose it has been my coping mechanism over the years but now it appears to be coming out all wrong and he feels like he is the one who is being mistreated. I can’t kiss him or cuddle him, I know that sounds awful but I am not doing it to be nasty to him, I just have no feelings anymore. I DREAD going anywhere with him as a couple or family because he shouts at me over every little thing “what are you walking like that for” “why are you looking at people like that” “you look paranoid” I honestly don’t think I do anything that doesn’t look normal intentionally but I have become hyper aware of how I appear. He still pushes me if i get in his way or walk in front of him, but he doesn’t see any wrong in how he reacts as he says he likes quick responses and I am not quick enough to react if he asks me.he drives stupidly because he can and he knows I it makes me nervous but I have stopped saying anything to him because I get put in my place and told that I am again making a fuss over nothing, but he knows what he is doing. He will hurt me by nipping or playfully punching but when I complain he tells me that it didn’t hurt and to stop being soft but I know he is doing this on purpose and when I tell him this he says I’m tapped and that I make up situations all the time. He says he doesn’t mean the names he calls me and that I should know that by now, but he doesn’t sound to be joking when he uses them, an example of him not meaning his words but I get upset is… (detail removed by moderator). I was so embarrassed.
I have told him all of the above, but again he tells me just to go if I am not happy, because that’s just how he is, but at the same time I don’t want to leave my family home and I want my children to have a complete family.There is so much more to this and I am unsure as to what to do for the best. I can’t argue with him because he is better with his words and I just give up trying to explain myself because he has an answer for everything. I am constantly searching on the internet for someone to make a decision for me, but I know deep down only I can do that. I have tried speaking to my friends and obviously at the time they side with me but when they meet him they really like him and say he’s a really nice guy and not the guy I had led them to believe, but of course he is lovely when he has to be and sometimes he is really lovely to me buying me little gifts and bringing me drinks to bed.
What I need to know is am I making this situation into something it isn’t? Am I being too sensitive? Am I blaming him unnecessarily and expecting too much As I did know what he was like before having children and marrying him. Please be honest.

[Dragon]

Firstly, what I am going to say are words I should listen to myself! I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I understand why you feel like you knew what you were getting into so you deserve what you get. I too am in that situation. Thing is, for whatever reason you wanted it to work. Probably believed it would change, maybe thought it wouldn’t be that bad, that the benefits outweighed the costs, that maybe all relationships were like that eventually…..there are a list of reasons why you married him and stayed with him. You didn’t and haven’t done anything wrong. But he is and has. However he feels he has no right to abuse you, verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually. Nope. You have feelings too. And they are valid. I understand why you don’t want to break your family up but also understand how unhappy you are (unsurprisingly under the circumstances).
Could you maybe get some.help.from a professional? Someone you could talk to? Call Women’s Aid for advice or guidance?
I just want to say you are not being over sensitive and your expectations are not too high. Hugs xx

[Donkey]

I’m new to this forum and I’m sure other more experienced ladies have some great advice but I just wanted to say a great deal of your experience is similar to mine and you aren’t too sensitive!! My abuser and his family have constantly said that I am too sensitive. No. He is an abuser. My abuser is also ‘lovely’ but that is the cycle of abuse. We wouldn’t stay if they were awful all the time. So I’m answer to your question. You aren’t too sensitive. You aren’t blaming him uneccassarily and you aren’t expecting too much. I have been accused of all three by my abuser.Im currently in the process of getting out with my baby. I hope you find the courage too xx

[diymum@1]

EA he sounds awful he has no respect for you and your doing EVERYTHING in the house withe the kids. its no wonder your on edge this sounds like gaslighting and coersive control. you dont know when he will kick off. i remember feeling like this too its horrible. i know you want to have a complete family but with men like this its not a good influence for the kids (his imfluence) theres a really good book called when dad hurts mum but the first book that will be helpful is why does he do that by lundy bancroft. to be aware off how these men tick is a bonus because once your eyes are open then your one step ahead. this way you can forge a better future for your family and you xxxx love diymum

[Author]

Posts