Feeling lost and adrift

[Ruby2shoes]

Hi so very quick background after a very long marriage have finally realised hisband is emotionally and financially abusive. (Severe debt). Has never been physical. Called woman’s aid and have an appointment with an outreach worker from a company called (detail removed by moderator) next week who say they can give me advice on emotional abuse and help to keep me safe but can’t offer counselling. On advice from WA went to GP to put on my record. GP put me in touch with a counsellor through NHS. Met her yesterday and now feel I don’t know what to do. It wasn’t actually a counselling session as such although I’ve never had counselling before so didn’t know what to expect. Basically again talked about my mood (I’m not suicidal) and ways to keep me safe. I underarand this but I don’t feel at threat of physical violence although I do understand from what I’ve read that can change. I have somewhere to go if that should happen. What I want to be able to do is give my husband the chance to know how I feel, that I’m unhappy with how he treats me (he’s not like it all the time) and I will no longer tolerate his abuse. I also want him to stop being so financially irrresponsible. I know this is a big ask and again understand he may never change but I feel I owe it to our marriage and our daughter to try this first. My point to the counsellor was I’ve become so conditioned to the abuse over the years he does not realise anything is wrong I’ve gone in on myself tiptoed around him etc and minimised his behaviour. What I feel I need now is ways I can try and get him to talk to me about this without him screaming or ignoring me. The counsellor said they can’t do that they can only offer me cbt which won’t help because it won’t change the situation and they won’t suggest I say anything this, that or the other because of the risk of it not being safe. But I feel I need the tools to know how to deal with him as I’ve been ignoring it for so long. She suggested couples counselling but I’d never get him to go, at least not at this stage I need to be in a place where I can talk to him which I’m not at the moment. Then she recommended (detail removed by moderator)as she said they’re the experts in DV but I’m seeing them next week and they’ve already told me they don’t offer counselling. She suggested relate going on my own but I can’t afford to pay because of the debt.

She then Suggested they could hold a multi agency meeting to discuss me and the best way forward as my situation is complex involving gp, them, social workers etc. This completely freaked me out as she said they may talk to my daughters school and find ways to help her and support her too. My husband and daughter don’t even know I’ve been seeking advice the last thing I need is social services getting involved, my daughter is nearly (detail removed by moderator) and in the middle of exams. She loves her dad and would side with him and one of my big fears is losing her I don’t want anything to go against that. It all sounds a bit OTT and I don’t want to start something that could escalate and I can’t later undo especially as I’m not even sure I want to leave him at this stage or not.

I’ve read that people have been able to get counselling for emotional abuse and to help them Process their feelings about what they want to do so how do you get access to it please? I can’t afford a private counsellor but feel this is the help I need at this moment in time.

Any advice as I’m now worried the meeting with (detail removed by moderator) will only tell me what I already know about staying safe and what emotional abuse is im pinning everything on this meeting but think if last nights meeting with the counsellor was anything to go by I may end up feeling disappointed, lost and adrift and not knowing where else to get help from and remaining stuck in my situation.

[KIP.]

I understand the advice you’re being given. It’s not upto him to change his behaviour and thought pattern because he never will and these professionals know that. The only hope they have is to change your thinking. I once read that leaving an abuser is like a bereavement. You have to walk away with no closure because you will never ever get any. He will lie, blame, twist, accuse, become aggressive, beg, plead, threaten. All in the one conversation, leaving you even more bewildered and depressed. Your daughter is an adult now and may soon leave home anyway. The best lesson for her would be that she never ever has to stay in an abusive, unhappy relationship. Sometimes these agencies recognise they just have to wait for you to have your lightbulb moment. Your husband knows exactly what he is doing. I bet he only treats you badly and knows exactly how to behave with other people or in public. I hope your eyes open and the FOG of abuse clears. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. In a way you are lucky your daughter is older. My ex used to threaten to take my baby son from me so I stayed for decades and put up with his behaviour sucking the life and soul from me. I became a non person. Scared to go out, scared to stay in. Mental health problems, gave up work. Never underestimate these men. Listen to the professionals. They deal with this on a daily basis x

[Author]

Posts