Feeling lost and lonely

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

The change in weather might have something to do with it too, but I’m feeling so low at the moment.

I’m writing down – in a sort of diary like way – everything that happened in terms of relationships and just can’t believe I haven’t stood up for myself more and taken charge over my life. I thought I was taking charge over my life at the time (by forgiving endlessly, by thinking ‘everyone says relationships take work’ and by ignoring my gut over and over again), but I wasn’t. I stayed – way and way too long – in relationships that didn’t bring me any good. (detail removed by moderator) years with Mr. A who had intimidated my family, used drugs, owned a gun, was always rough with my body (and raped me 3 times), humiliated me, blamed me for everything that went wrong… Yes, I loved him, lots even, but WHY? Why did I give my heart to someone who even admitted after (detail removed by moderator) years he had only used me? Didn’t I think I deserved better? Apparently not.

Then nearly (detail removed by moderator) years with Mr. B who’s the complete opposite of Mr. A: healthy lifestyle, friendly, sensitive, good at talking… I thought I had ended up in heaven. A feeling that lasted for a few weeks only though. Criticism and rude remarks (also by his family) followed soon and what seemed like heaven turned into the opposite.

Both men now have new relationships (Mr. A even became a father). The only dates I’m having these days is with my therapist to work through the damage these relationships have caused to my life. Both men seem to have changed for the better. Mr. A even wrote me an apology (“I was young and wild and made many mistakes, I am sorry!”). But what am I to do with such an apology? As if being young and wild is an excuse for what he did. It’s a big lie too, by the way. As he’s harassed both me and my parents several times more in his (mid to late) thirties.

What’s wrong with me? I’m not jealous of these new women. For that, I have experienced too many difficulties with those men. With both, I have experienced my mind and body completely blocking during the last stages of the contact. I just couldn’t be intimate with them anymore. Not in words, not in touch. Despite trying the latter when they made advances, I felt my body changing into the heaviest stone thinkable. If I still responded physically, it seemed a respond of someone else’s body. I had completely disconnected and felt nothing.

The fact that the men who have caused so much distress and damage to my life, have been given a second chance now by the universe, does feel unfair though. Has the universe been using my life to teach them about relationships? About what’s appropriate and what not? Was that my purpose in life? to be used a teaching tool? A steppingstone?

Or am I not pretty enough? Not clever enough? The latter for sure. I should have protected my heart, my family, my time, my finances, my body… everything. Not after (detail removed by moderator) years of hoping for a change, not after (detail removed by moderator) years of hoping for another change. No, instead of crying my eyes out over everything, I should have firmly told them after the first signs of abuse “listen, this is not how I wish to be treated, good bye”.

[Confused123]

hey hun

If only abuse was that easy to understand, these men are very good and manuiplating people. It has nothing to do with the fact that u were not clever enough, not pretty enough, i m sure nu are all those things, these men choose who they choose to behaviour, it was them in the wrong, u say Mr A ex sent apology yet continued to harras your family and you in his mid thirties, he hasnt changed, the person that is with him is prob just a*s scared as u was . Mr B just sounded like he thought his opinions were always right and better.

I ask myself the same questions, why did i not protect my heart, body, finances and children, we get pulled into such a trap that it really is hard to understand, we ignore every gut feeling we have and obessed with makijjng relationship work as yes we dont give up on things or people that are important to us , we didnt know they would take advantage to that extent. We actually need counselling to recover from the trauma we experienced with them, so what does that say about them .

Your body started to shut of like me, as that was how we survived to cope with the pain. I bet these guys have lots of short term relationship. continue to focus on your ecovery, carry on with counselling and explore your feelings and the relationship

[Tiffany]

I’m not at all surprised that you felt ‘blocked’ with both your abusers. I had exactly the same experience with mine after the abuse started getting bad (he was a little controlling from the start but the real abuse started years later). I think that the blocked feeling is your body trying to warn your brain that things aren’t right. I had the same thing just before I decided to end things with my non abusive ex. We just weren’t compatible anymore and my body figured it before my brain.

As to whether any of it was your fault, the sad truth is that anyone can be abused. I am highly educated and am known for being strong and outspoken. I’m not pretty, but I am definitely striking in a slightly intimidating way, which some men definitely find attractive. None of this stopped my fiance hitting me multiple times over our engagement and gaslighting and emotionally manipulating me continually. I had always thought I was the kind of woman who would walk away if I was mistreated, but I spent years with this man and didn’t even leave after he started hitting me. It’s an unfortunate myth that only weak women get abused. The problem is that it is a comfortable thought. Much like ‘rape is always done by strangers’ – statistically rape is mostly done by partners,but we don’t want to believe our partner could rape us so we try and stay safe by avoiding being alone with strange men. Similarly we feel safe when we believe that if we are strong we won’t be abused. The sad truth is that being abused drains you of the strength needed to leave and that it is incredibly difficult to be strong and that it can affect anyone at all. Being smart or pretty or strong can’t protect you. It absolutely is not your fault.

[Janedoeissad]

Gardengirl I honestly think that it has nothing to do with how pretty or clever you are.

Look how many celebrities have been in abusive relationships. Look at the recent case in the news where a highly educated woman was abused but there was a kick off as the judge felt she was “too clever to be controlled”.

There are no exceptions when it comes to abuse. It can happen to anyone.

The only thing I sometimes wonder was did my upbringing make me more susceptible? My Mum walked on eggshells around my Dad. He had all the power. We spent our time making sure HE was ok. I feel the same way about my partner now. My Dad was a great Father but was he great husband? I’m not sure of that. I sometimes think I’ve normalised abusive behaviour in childhood. So struggle seeing how bad it is now?

[Author]

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