Feeling lost and low

[Peacethroughhealing]

I called Breathing Spaces tonight and the man I got didn’t get it. I won’t go into details but he said we both had our parts to play and that I was sending him mixed messages telling him that I loved him. I was so angry and I hung up. I have had a dreadful day and most of my weekends are like this now as he gets into my head in one way or another. I couldn’t get out of bed today I was so exhausted. It was 3pm before I pulled myself up and got dressed. I just feel so down. I can’t post too much detail on here but weeks ago we were going to attend a gig together which happened recently. He completely messed me about in every way re going even though he wanted to go in the end but I was so exhausted I went with my friend and didn’t even enjoy it properly. This is so sad but I don’t even have the energy to go into it on here. He was going but thought I would be in touch with him so we could go together. This is after he ended it with me and then sent several texts trying to explain and because I had gone to the police he could only be around me with security cameras in the vicinity. I ignored all of these messages and then he sent one mentioning the concert and I thought great he wants to go together but it was just to get me to contact him and then it was he didn’t want to go and was skint and I could buy the tickets then coming up to the event he was texting me saying he was waiting for me and where was I. I am so so exhausted with it all. He must hate me so much now that’s all I can say. There is absolutely no niceties anymore he just wants to cause me pain. I wouldn’t harm myself but I have felt so low these past few weeks I just can’t have this pain.

[BeautyMarked]

It’s so very tough isn’t it? I feel your pain. This guy, like all abusers, is a master at mind games and manipulation. They know how to get at us. Deep down there is something wrong with these people to cause so much hurt and suffering. It’s not a reflection on you. Ultimately I’m sure these abusers are coming from a place of deep shame and self-loathing. It’s not an excuse though. It’s despicable and it’s all about power and control for them. This guy is really lingering around to establish that. Abuse escalated and he probably can’t stand being exposed in the way he has. The only way to deal with him is to go no contact and tell him so. For your own safety and sanity. You’re not getting a chance to start recovering because he’s still in the picture. Tell him no more via a message so it’s written down. If he refuses you can act accordingly. He needs to leave you alone. Set things up so that you’ve done all you can. He’ll be a fool to persist and will only have himself to blame if he ends up in trouble again. Put your needs first now x

[KIP.]

Obviously this idiot has no idea about domestic abuse and coercive control. It’s a shame when people like this offer their opinions, which I don’t think is what they’re actually there to do. They’re supposed to listen. Don’t let him upset you or set you back. You know the truth of this relationship. Hang onto that truth. You have done nothing wrong and absolutely nothing to deserve abusive behaviour. He chooses to behave that way and he knows exactly what he’s doing. I used to use the Samaritans and was really impressed. There’s no judgemental opinions, just a sympathetic ear. I agree with BeautyMarked that his behaviour is no reflection on you. It’s not even personal. Your abuser could be my abuser and so on. They’re all just abusers x

[Peacethroughhealing]

Today I really made my mind up that this is it. I went into work a mess and had such a bad weekend. It was so cruel what he did with the gig and I looked terrible when I went with my friend. He has since contacted me yesterday and a message now that I can’t open and read because it will set me back. It will be one of wanting to furniture or something to scare me and put me off my sleep. I felt so bad Saturday and Sunday that I can’t allow this to keep happening. I’ve picked myself up today in work and got some shopping and went for a swim and I have to keep going.

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