Feeling lost at sea

[Peacethroughhealing]

I know I need to leave my partner and as I type this I am numb. I found out that my partner has had a previous conviction for domestic violence. I need to decide where to go from here. I’ve gone from feeling devastated by what he’s been doing to me and trying to understand and get answers. I am absolutely exhausted, have no energy left over the soul searching, running after him trying to get why he did what he did and then stripped all that he did for me away from me at the same time. I am so behind in my work and everything and I just feel like I’m sinking under and am going to lose my sanity. I am an intelligent woman and I have supported my partner for over a year now as he has gone through detox for being an alcoholic. He is (time length removed by moderator) sober. We have been together (detail removed by moderator) and we have supported each other and he has done so much for me over the months. There was a bit of verbal abuse at times and I put it down to the medication he was on and what he was going through not drinking. I have never been in a relationship like this before fortunately. Fast forward to recently when he did something despicable to me and he could have been locked up for it. His family have almost ‘normalised’ it and made me feel like I was as much to blame. I was always very close to his mum and dad as I helped my partner through his recovery. I spent a lot of time talking to his mum. I realise that they probably know he was convicted before and that is why they are playing it down. I found this out through Claire’s Law that he has had previous for domestic abuse. He works in the same industry as me and I see him. In the past few days I have pulled back from him as I am so utterly exhausted and sad about the whole thing that I feel I have nothing left in me to be honest. I don’t want to go to the doctor to be prescribed tablets or anything I just want to get through it and pick myself up. Part of me wants to go to the police but the incident happened in private and most of everything else that has happened has happened in private. It will not be straight forward to have him arrested and then he knows where I live, his family know where I live etc and he knows a lot about my life as I trusted him. I don’t want all my things to be dragged into it if I go to convict him as after the incident I called his mum a lot and left a lot of messages for my partner as he ignored me the following week after it happened and I was traumatised and looking for answers and closeness from him because I couldn’t believe it. I don’t feel the way I did about him anymore and I don’t think he should get away with what he did but his parents have been very good to me and my partner to an extent has done a lot for me in the past so I am torn but at the moment I am very angry and feel broken. He was the love of my life and I would have spent my life with him and now he has turned into Mr Hyde.

[Cheesequeen]

I’m so sorry to hear your pain. Being trapped in fear is very painful and I hope you can find something to jolt you out of it.
Have you tried ringing any women’s helplines? I am considering doing this today if I get some breathing space as I really need someone with a clear mind to help me process all the volume in my head.
You deserve more than anything to live a life free of fear and confusion. It is never ok for someone to make you feel this way. Xx

[diymum@1]

Contact womens aid -this is horrible, what a shock for you -this has been confirmed now, still a harsh reality to face. From my experience (I had  years of it) the longer the exposure the harder it is too heal. I’m not sure if I can heal my trauma tbh. Break free now, as hard as it is -if you don’t he will destroy who you are -no one is worth that xx 💕 DIY mum xxxx 💕💙💪

[KIP.]

Don’t minimise his behaviour or that of his parents. You owe them nothing. He has abused you and they are enabling his behaviour. You can speak to a domestic abuse officer about how you report this. It’s not your word against his when he has previous convictions. There is a time limit for reporting assault so please don’t miss the deadline if you’re determined to take it further. He will never change. Women’s aid are a great support so start there. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Hang in there. One day you will realise you have had a lucky escape. My advice is zero contact and try to keep a journal x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Peacethroughhealing, you have the added support and belief from the disclosure through Clare’s Law, so try not to worry too much. You will be believed. Just be glad someone reported him so you are really confirming the report(again) that he’s still being abusive💜. This is something I’ve been struggling with but thanks to your post I’m definately going to fill one out for me too. We just have to know don’t we, and if it turns out his ex wife or previous partners didn’t, then at least I’ve put out out there that he’s abusive to me, and who knows if anyone sees it, they might add their story to it too.
Please dont feel torn. His parents may have been good to you but they haven’t really, because they’ve allowed his behaviour to continue and hurt you too. Abusive men aren’t always abusive, that’s why we fall head over heels for them, make future plans with them. They steal that from us when they decide to abuse that love.
Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet, they’ll listen to you and believe you. Confirm what you already know. Anything you decide to do is done at your pace, no-one will push you to do anything you’re not ready to, abusers do enough of that. If you can’t get through on the national helpline try your local one instead. The local WA usually have solicitors they use who are versed in DA and can give sound financial advice to of needed.
You are not alone in this sweetheart, everyday we speak to each other on here, many times throughout the day. There’s always someone to chat to, to vent to.
Take care. It’s utterly exhausting being in the midst of the storm but it will get better, it has to, right😘
IWMB💕💕

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thank you. I have spoken to Women’s Aid and they have been very helpful in just even listening to me. Aside from the abuse itself the biggest thing is feeling so floored by it all. I tried to understand and go to him and try to make things better and I realise now some things that you just can’t understand. I’ve been overthinking it trying to work out why and have been brought to my knees by it. I am so tired, it’s drained almost all of my energy and he’s withdrawn everything at a point in my life where I have so much change. A new house, a change in my job, my dad isn’t well. I know he’s pushing it because I am so vulnerable. It takes a lot for me to pull away but he’s been texting me and I have stopped myself responding. I’m staying at a friend’s house this weekend in case he comes round as we haven’t seen each other much recently. It’s hard to comprehend what has happened and I feel so numb.(detail removed by moderator). I’ve almost lost everything and am so behind in my work and mentally and physically I’m just drained.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Peacethroughhealing, it’s good you’re at a friend’s, going no contact is better in the long run as it helps break that trauma bond. even this short time away is giving you breathing space. Has anyone mentioned the FOG of abuse to you yet. It stands for fear, obligation and guilt.
The realising literally brings you to your knees, I’ve never been so low in my life. In the beginning weeks, I couldn’t wash, brush my teeth even (and I’m paranoid about my teeth), had no appetite, could’ve slept the clock round, but as I’m still living with my oh you can only go so far down. I’ve NEVER been one for dressing down, joggies were for the gym, I was living in mine when I wasn’t in my pjs. I didn’t care what I was wearing, how I looked. I no longer work,but between his finding fault with every job I’ve done and chronic pain I gave up a few years ago. I hope once I’m away that I’ll be able to work again even if it’s only p/t, and that some of my symptoms will reduce or go as I’m sure they’re part of the abuse itself.
Is there any way you can get time off work or do less hours, you have to be kind to yourself, this can cause us to burn out.
Being numb is the body’s natural way of coping with what’s happened to you.its protecting you. Your brain will have sorted a lot of what’s happened away too, so much that you’ll have forgotten a lot of it. Once you start to remember things, breathe. The brain allows us to remember what it knows we can cope with.
Remember you’re doing great, you see him for what he is, you’ll know what’s best way for you to proceed. Mine is to do practical things. Get rid of stuff I won’t take to a new house. Shred old paperwork, change passwords. set up new bank account. I took my savings out of the bank and have them in a safe place just in case I need to up and go, plus he won’t get half of them when we divorce.
Keep safe my friend.
IWMB 💕💕

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thank you so much for telling me it’s normal to feel this way with what I am going through. I feel the same, I am really struggling to take care of myself as the realisation has floored me. He did everything for me in the beginning. He is sending me texts and I am ignoring them now. I called 101 as Women’s Aid said I should ask for a marker to be put on my house in case he comes over and tries to see me. I can’t believe all of this is happening. I am so behind in my job and I can’t take time off. It’s a very competitive industry and I am freelance. No way is he destroying that for me. After the terrible incident a little while back (because I can’t name dates) I went straight into work (detail removed by moderator)as I couldn’t believe it and the only way to carry on was just to go through my day as normal as I could. I feel so unwell and (detail removed by moderator) it’s just me and my dog. My ex partner has let me stay at his for the weekend as he is away and we are on good terms. I don’t want to be at my own home. I have to work all weekend to try and catch up on some of the work I have missed but I am so exhausted all I want to do is sleep. So many things have been coming into my head of what he’s done to me over the months that I ignored and brushed under the carpet. He has been convicted of this before so I need to think carefully about what I am going to do as I don’t want him to get away with it. When I called 101 the girl was very helpful and she persuaded me to have officers come to my home to tell them what happened. She said it wasn’t me putting things down in a formal way but discussing it with them first. He works in the same industry as me so I can’t even get away from him there and there is no guarantee that if I want to go ahead and make things official that anything will happen to him as I was told that his previous conviction will not be taken into consideration as he has been convicted and tried for that already. I have wasted so much energy on this and at the time it all got worse I had just moved into a new house, changed my job in the company I work for and my dad is unwell and he knows this and he’s made things worse for me to the point that I feel I can’t go on and mentally I’ve gone down hill. This is the first few days that I haven’t wanted to have anything to do with him as I am starting to see him for what he is and the police telling me what they did under Claire’s Law has opened my eyes further. I only hope that it is not too late for me as I feel I am sinking down. It’s all too much to cope with and comprehend what he is after all the support I have given him. He is a recovering alcoholic and I have been with him every step of the way through his recovery to almost a year sober now and this is how he repays me. I don’t worry if he starts drinking again now as he is destroying me after all the times I have been there for him holding him close to get him on the road to sobriety.

[KIP.]

If you haven’t already then get to your GP. Log all this with them, it’s great evidence for court if needed. Try to arrange some good counselling. It may be PTSD you’re suffering which makes us feel incredibly exhausted. It’s the up and down of adrenaline spikes too. You can get through this just take all the professional advice. Keeping texting you is harrassment so don’t reply. Just report him to the police. If you reply then the police will just see it as an argument.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi again, firstly who said his previous behaviour wouldn’t be taken into consideration? (Only when in a court environment, will previous behaviour/misdemeanors not be addressed, until after the current behaviour is found guilty or not guilty on, in order to sway a jury. I think someone is getting their version of the law mixed up a bit).plus if his behaviour wouldn’t be looked into why are we getting disclosure forms now, why was an act passed on 2015, fir it to be criminal to commit coercive behaviour. I’d agree that as he was found guilty previously that that wont be used against him if you go to court, BUT his behaviour leading up to that conviction is probably the same and will be helpful to the police.
It took me weeks to pluck up the courage to go to my doctor but I’m so glad I did, I’ve logged with her, his behaviour, things he’s said and done(that I remembered), she too advised me to speak to WA and a solicitor. (Which I have since) I also asked her if she could get me someone to speak to and I was given a preliminary meeting with a psychologist to ascertain what type of councelling would best suit my needs. It was decided as i was still with my oh that any councelling would not really work as it would be counterproductive, but when I left to get back in touch and they’d have no issues in organising me something them.
It was that lovely lady who said it was normal of me to be having these feelings that anyone would be feeling like this, living in a crazy environment and that it was testimony to how strong I was not to have become clinically depressed.
It’s the utter desolation, the down days, when lifting your head of the pillow, washing, interacting with people is impossible. I’m’lucky’ in that I no longer work, I have no reason to put the face on, pretend everything is normal, but I did that fir over a decade, I just don’t have the energy. But there’s days that, I’m wearing my wee skirts again I’ll pull on my long boots, I’ve even half heartedly painted my nails, might be one hand, but it was a start.
We do what we do to survive and each acknowledgment of his actions is one step further away from him, it just doesn’t seem so at the time. We are so much stronger than we realise, we have every woman who has gone before us, behind us, willing us onwards. We are standing on their shoulders and we will be heard.
Much love and strength to you mo charaid
IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Hi Peacethroughhealing,

I just wanted to show you some support. I am pleased to see that you have already had some great advice and care so I don’t have much to add but I just wanted to say that it sounds like you are doing the best you can, please be kind to yourself and take each day a day at a time. It is perfectly normal to be feeling how you are. I hope that when you spoke to Women’s Aid they were able to put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid group and also to hopefully talk to you about some safety planning. Please be careful as it could be a dangerous time for you particularly when he realises you are not going to return to him.

Please remember you can always phone the helpline again if you ever need some more advice and support. You are doing great, be proud of yourself.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thank you Lisa. I feel like the rug has been swept away from under me and it’s all I can do at the moment to just keep going each day. Everything else has been put on hold and I’m just trying to hold down my position in work. I am so tired but having the weekend on my own with my dog helped me to start relaxing a little bit with a clearer head. He has already been texting and calling me. Today it’s been about getting help for the both of us like I have the issue. In my head I don’t want to see him again because love isn’t feeling this way.

[Peacethroughhealing]

I really did love him so much and would have spent my life with him. I just feel so lost and abandoned after everything he did for me for months. He’s just stripped it all away and I also feel he’s lying to me now and I don’t trust him. My gut tells me that but it’s not easy when you have loved someone and supported them for months and you think you have found the right person to spend your life with. He’s just deceived me.

[Author]

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