Feeling low

[Confused123]

Hi ladies

This is my third attemopt to post, each time it gets deleted just as im about to post, hopefully this one stays. So i was saying i received e form (detail removed by Moderator) from ex solicitor. HAs just left me feeling low s it states he is depressed cause of my behaviour, and is in debt cause of me , I feel so bad and guilty. His statements reflects he is in debt, still drinking and has a job. But i feel so bad that this debt is cause of me. Yes when we had business togehter we both worked together, in addition to me having an extra job but i had to walk away from all of it as the beatings, mental, emotional tortue was so bad, yes in end the he was going to kill me so i was left with no choice to walk empty handed, so why do i feel bad that he has these debts, i feel so bad for wanting to pursue my goals in life and start again , i know he offers no support to me for the kids, ok he has lot of debts so i try to overlook it, but why cant he just give what is mine without me feeling bad, its mine anyway by entitlment of marriage but i feel so guilty for his scenario. HJow do u ladies overcome this, im not after symapthy for the beatings i took, i just need to understand why i feel low

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

Mine sited that I had made him ill and that the children were worried about him because of me and that I had also effected my sons health. In truth I’m the one with stress ulcers.

Abusers never take responsibility for what they have done they are always the victim.

If you were there of not he would have run up debts, mine kept us in the red to control me financially.

Sometimes I think if I had did things differently we would have had a good life. But the truth is what ever I did would have been wrong he would have pick fault.

Time will help.

You deserve a life and so does your children.

FS xx

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

I was wondering how you were.

Don’t feel guilty about wanting happiness and success. That is what he wants you to feel- so that you won’t go after what is yours.

Don’t fall for the ‘poor me’ act- it is all manipulation. These abusers know how to survive. They put their own survival first, at all times. Make no mistake, they know how to look after number one.

He is working, so he can’t be that badly affected. Many of us victims are left so damaged, we are unable to work.

You need to think of your kids and your future. A female solicitor who I saw once reminded me that my ex’s ‘projected earnings’ were huge, even if he was claiming fake ill health. (He does have a health issue, but it certainly doesn’t stop him working.)

These abusers won’t put their hand in their pockets for their kids in the future. If they did, it would be a bribe.bhe will withhold financial help to punish them for having a relationship with you, etc. As their mother, you know you would always help them out if they really needed it. You need to fight for your own and your kids’ financial stability.

Yes, he was left with debt, but he is working, and he is paying nothing for the kids, and he won’t in the future. All that he earns will go on himself.

If he’s anything like my ex, he has heard that you are doing something to further yourself in your career, and he wants to sabotage this by landing you with a massive bill. He wants to ruin you out of spite.

The e-forms are an upsetting read. I only glanced through mine- I could hardly bear reading them.

dont let him make you feel guilty. You are entitled to happiness and good things.

Our abusers brainwash us into thinking we should be unhappy and have nothing. As if we don’t deserve more than this. But you deserve happiness, peace and success. X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Confused, a lot of the abuse books that I am reading say that these men know your weak points and will exploit that. He probably knew what to say and how you would react. You have wrote that you feel so bad and guilty and I bet that he knows this. The Power & Control wheel has a section on blame, its has its own section on the wheel of emotional abuse. In all of the HG Tudor books he talks about blame being utilized as a standard manipulative tactic. Blame enables them to offload their issues onto you, thus making them feel a lot lighter and you feeling terrible. When I broke up from my ex he blamed me for the whole world and its problems and told everybody was a nasty person I was. He came up smelling of roses & i’m left dealing with mental trauma. If I were you I would ignore the letter. I know it is hard, maybe it will help you to read up on Empath personality traits, abusive men target people with empathic traits, apparantly we are easier to manipulate.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi confused, sorry you’re feeling low. It’s horrible to have to hear their lies again, very triggering. It took me a very long time to stop taking responsibility for my ex, I was so conditioned to accept blame for everything. Remember that if he hadn’t chosen to beat and mentally torture you, maybe you could have made a successful business together. It’s entirely his responsibility x*x

[Confused123]

Hi Ladies

Thank you for all the lovely replies to make me think of things from a different presceptive, you have all individually really striked on the important points, as you said in time maybe i will learn to take on his responsibilties and feel guilty for it , sending love to u allxxx

[Author]

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