Feeling low

[Chocolatebunnie]

Well Weekend I couldn’t get out of bed for long I didn’t want to be here anymore I felt so low. I tried to function but it all stemmed from how it was with husband when I woke up.

I woke up to my husband saying I’ve changed I’m distant I don’t love him, he needs sex I’m not interested and he has had enough. He thinks someone is influencing me.

He blames my family history as I grew up in a abusive home he blames my previous relationships and now I’m starting to wonder if I’m branding him the same as I’m expecting it same.

He said he can’t live without intimacy and he will leave.

I feel pressured into having sex, I’m low I don’t feel like it, I’m exhausted and we haven’t got along so great.

The fact the kids say he’s too angry when trying to talk about sensitive subjects makes me feel hostile towards him and I blame myself for being damaged that I’m not protecting the kids, but he’s good in some wYs and maybe misunderstood?

I can’t help thinking he used to have a go about housework but he doesn’t as kids and I explained how bad his behaviour and anger was so now he’s moved into something else to get st me in a different way. It’s only going to be between us do no one else will be involved or see or advise.

Anyhow he’s putting pressure on to have sex I’m giving in as a feel guilty and obliged but it’s not what I want. I just need space to feel better again he appears the nice guy he smiles and seems to care is it that he’s misunderstood?

It’s making me so low, I don’t know what to do. I can’t think clearly.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,

I remember the same and I too gave in as there seemed no other way. The only advice I can give is to ring Women’s Aid and tell them. They will guide you in this as in my case it was not as simple as saying No . And even if my no worked the situation would crop up again and my abuser’s wrong treatment of me killed any sexual desire for him which was normal and totally natural. Its a horrible situation to be in and a friend of mine has just recently told me the same so I hope she will contact Women’s Aid as they will have the experience in dealing with this as they see it all the time. Its part and parcel of being in a relationship with an abuser.

I used to get ‘the lecture’ from my ex-husband (abuser) when we were in the bed. He’d go on and on about the fact that my family were dysfunctional (he’d never allude to his family’s dysfunction ah no they were perfect lol) and that’s why I was the way I was. It was all negative, negative, negative..about me and how his needs weren’t getting met…and it was all my fault…and he was trying… but it was so hard ..for him… etc,etc,etc. No wonder you feel low. I would feel drained and helpess and I remember once running from the bedroom and locking the bathroom door and crying so much. Little did I know he was delighted that he had reduced me to this state and made me feel so low. He probably had a brilliant day after this..all powered up at my expense while I was low and my poor children could sense their mum was not in a good place and they would too be affected by it all. He was the only winner in this.

All I can say its not your fault. Its not you..its him. Ring Women’s Aid about his sexual coercion. And keep posting on here for support.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi chocolate bunnies
I agree with Lover of No Contact to give Women’s Aid a call and to say NO! To your husband about absolutely anything. Especially in the bedroom. NO! Sleep somewhere else, it is worth it. Try to make him sleep on the couch. If not you sleep there. Don’t let him touch you at all. Call the police if he does. NO means NO.
Try to not get drawn into his non-sense drama and discussions, stay clear of it, go grey rock with him whilst you make your plans with WA.
Sending you strength, you’ll get through this!

[Chocolatebunnie]

Lover of no contact you are describing my situation quite clearly, I say no and then its a yes due to pressure and so on. I’m having a problem in excepting whats happening to me in all areas and its like I know and Im posting on here as theres nowhere else to turn. Everyone is so helpful.

But then I read your replies and Im feeling relief as Im right and he’s wrong but then its like its not me or its not real or I push it aside, when will I deal with this?

Im scared to contact Women Aid, Im already in touch with local support worker, waiting for counselling I have explained to her whats happening.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Last night I put kids to bed, (detail removed by moderator). Now I immediately feel awkward so I shrug. I don’t know what to say. He puts me off by jokingly saying (detail removed by moderator)  I say no feeling cornered.

During the day he was so awkward the negative vibes between us, I felt chocked, at points holding back my tears, trying to smile for my kids and I just didn’t want to be around him, I think its the feeling of walking on eggshells, its nothing he says just something in the air. So the rest of the day does get better as he gets stoned. We get along, but its nothing great, no affection just polite chat.

Now if we were cuddly during the day and happy his suggestion would be ok, but as the day had gone the way it had I really wasn’t feeling “romantic” and he got the message, to which he said I have changed I would’ve been up for it once upon a time, etc. He doesn’t cuddle me often, he grabs me, this puts me off, but I think its more the lack of emotional connection which makes things the way they are.

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