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Feeling so low tonight, have been offered a place on a freedom programme and still in two minds as to whether or not I need to go. My domestic abuse worker has said she thinks I will benefit from it, but I go through phases of believing I am being abused to thinking he’s just a jerk and it’s not abuse.
I apologise to everyone who posts on here. There’s a part of me that wants to type out replies and give back the support I am so freely given, but then I question what input I am qualified to give, and I delete my comments.
With my partner, we are in a good phase at the moment. It’s almost like a cycle but like the idiot I am, I am relishing the good mood he is in and lapping up the attention before it changes again.
We had a big arguement a week ago when I told him that I wanted to be treated as an equal financially, that he didn’t need to waste money for no reason and that I wanted to be treated with respect. He somehow left me in tears as he told me that as I had never contributed to the relationship financially I couldn’t be an equal. He then berated me for the fact that I borrowed money from our savings to do something he nagged me into doing and to buy the kids Christmas gifts – and haven’t paid it back so he’s had no choice but to write it off. He had told me that there was no rush to pay it back, which is why I hadn’t and I had been paying back my credit card from having to pay for the whole of Christmas! So somehow he has turned it all around from him getting himself into even more debt for no b****y reason into me not paying back a few hundred pounds! He went off sulking and I – like a d**n fool – went up to him hugging him and sucking up to him to make him forgive me! When I haven’t done a d**n thing wrong! I feel bereft – which is pathetic.
Sorry for the pity party. -
And I have been home raising our kids most of the time – I have worked but it’s never been much and HAVE paid into the house when I’ve been able. It was always his idea to keep me home to raise the children and for him to support me. I worked full time, earning good money before I met him.
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I can relate to this. Isn’t it weird how when you are going through the good time of the cycle you question everything and wonder if the bad times are just in your head and if you can make things work, yet in the bad part you are so broken and low it’s like you see things for what they are yet you are so low you don’t have the strength to do anything about it. I wish I had the strength and optimism of the good times when things are bad. My husband also uses financial control to get to me. I used to be strong independent and earn good money until we had our children, I never used it as a power trip or to make him feel like he was a lesser person or owed me for it. I now get told it’s ok for you you’re not the one paying for it, you don’t have to work, or you get everything you want,or if you have sex with me you can have xyz. The children are told this costs money that costs money I have to work for that, if you don’t have me how will you have presents etc etc. He says go to buy things then throws it back at is with the above comments. He refuses to buy things for himself and then says it’s because he puts us first, but it is all a guilt trip. He is usibg a lot of money soon to do things he wants and he also sends money home to his family to support them regularly which I’m not allowed to question, he did this even in times when we were struggling to eat. If I reacted to him like he does me he’d be so angry ! Nasty comments silent treatment etc. It’s so hard feeling trapped. I completely understand where you are coming from, I hope this makes you feel less alone and that’s it’s not just you. Sometimes it’s so confusing you think you’re going bad or just not thinking straight it’s so hard. X
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Dear Timetomoveon,
I don’t have very much time tonight to answer your post but one thing I must say, GO TO THE FREEDOM PROGRAM!
Please, please, please, I was the same as you thinking no this is not for me, and even the first time I attended, I came back with plenty of doubt, but I stuck at it, I rarely give up, I always give time for things to prove their worth and Oh My Goodness was this a revelation!!!!???
So please if I am allowed to insist again, please attend the program. It may take a few weeks for you to make sense out of what you will hear and how you will react, or it may just click. It took me two sessions and I understood what no one else had ever been able to explain to me. You will understand this previous sentence too!
Please! Make sure you go…
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Time to Move on… I have just posted a topic as I am an infrequent visitor to the forum, I too feel that I am unable to offer any valid advise as I am still in my relationship and therefore not qualified to comment so you are not alone in that thought of mind!
I have also mentioned living with the Jekyll and Hyde character,the okay times are so much better than the horrible phases. When things are ‘nice’ you park the much more frequent horrible times because you don’t want to spoil the moment however what we think of as the nice times aren’t actually that great, they only seem great because just for a moment we can stop walking on the eggshells as he is in a better mood but again it is his mood that is controlling us.
It has taken me such a long time to see things as they are, but everything is controlled by them. I have never contributed as much as him financially so he still makes the decisions because he has worked harder and earned more money than me. For (detail removed by moderator)years I have gone along with everything, I have never made decisions for myself and if anything crops up that under normal circumstances would be discussed and decided equally, I become mute or my contribution is instantly dismissed.
You are not pathetic, your actions are of someone trying to survive an abusive relationship, this is a normal survival tactic used by all DV victims. I am becoming stronger and dipping my toe in the world of sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I haven’t found it easy or something that is natural to me but I will stick at it. xx -
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