Feeling low today and need a hug

[godschild]

Im feeling low and tearful today, maybe partly hormones i think, but yesterday we went out and had a resonable time, ime tired today and feel stressed and tearful, so I am craving a hug and some kindness from him, I can just remember the times he has been nicer or false which ever im not even sure now and feel so so much that I want im to hold me. But he came into the garden where I was and asked me if someone had died, because he could see I was tearful, why on earth should someone have died for a woman to feel tearful,his attitude was horrible and I feel I am yearning for him to be nice but I have been so strong in not geeting close to him. How do other ladies cope and overcome this yearning for affection from the very one who abuses you, Last week I felt I was blocking things out a bit, a bit over active to keep busy a bit , but today it all is so real, how he treats me and I fel so upset just want to sob my eyes out over the reality of how he treats me

[Peaceful Pig]

My heart goes out to you Godschild, and my admiration. It must be so hard living with him. Yet still you manage to be such a kind support to others. I was very much in denial when I still lived with my ex and minimised things to get through it. It’s so hard to face their cruel lack of empathy when they can see us suffering and we are dependent on them. Sending you huge hugs, virtual but safe x*x

[Falling Skys]

Hi Godschild and a genuine hug from me xx

Do you still live with your abuser? I am, till the house sales.

I keep time of being in the house at the same time as him to a minimum. I craved for him to show me kindness and affection, but it was never really there. Kindness was only shown when he could get something from me or to keep me under control.

FS xx

[godschild]

Thank you both for your replies and hugs , very much appreciated. I do still live with him as I have severe phobias and am dependant on him, Ive emotionally cut off from him for the past (detail removed by moderator) + months and have been feeling stronger, its just today I am feeling this way, I can see so clearly today there is no kindness there and it really hurts x*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Godschild, I am sorry that you are feeling so awful. It is terrible when you desperately want kindness, a smile, a hug or just to know that you are loved. In stark contrast you have someone who is cold, dismissive and cruel. It is heartbreaking, I am not sure what I can say to make it better other than a lot of the women, myself included have been in this siutation with such a cold, distant person. If you can reach into yourself to find a small bit of happiness & peace, when I have a problem i normally find somewhere deep inside lies the answer. One of my favourite books is called Guide for the Advanced Soul. It is full of quotations, one of which you will find which will rid you of this anguish. One that I like is called Love Your Suffering by Hermann Hessee. Its about accepting rather than denying how you feel, as when you accept it, the pain lessens. XXXXX

[Serenity]

I am sending you a huge hug ((💛))

I can sympathise. I remember feeling starved of affection. I even began daydreaming about an affectionate imaginary man, just to get through the day.

I don’t know why these cruel abusers can’t find it in themselves to be gentle and kind. And yet they can invest such energy in mind games and power tactics. Is it a deep seated fear of intimacy? Is it a need to negate others?

I know you say you can’t escape him. So I think we must help you by sending you our love and affection ourselves ( you are a wonderful lady, so kind, and we all feel great affection for you ).

I read a quote yesterday:

“The less you respond to negativity,
The more peaceful your life becomes.”

It’s hard when you live with an abuser to switch off, and you can’t always stop responding or being affected, but on our Pattern Changing course it said that our abusers want our minds to be completely filled up by them. The answer is to fill that headspace with something else.

This forum is one good thing. It is supportive and kind. Are you able to engage in something else that will help you to cut off from him at times and focus your mind somewhere else?

These abusers have a lot to answer for.

Keep posting xx

[godschild]

Thankyou Ladies for your kind words, they mean so much, thankyou for the book suggestion healthyarchive.
Serenity I do so many things to distract myself from him,now but he hates that, he has to have my attention , but ive cut off so much from him, its just today i have those feelings of needing affefction but i may as well dream as you did Serenity as he will not fulfill my needs he is too self centered and blind to them.
My dreams of him and picture in my mind are dreams really as it never lasted if he was nicer, and it always has selfish adgendas to it, now i dont pamper to what he wants more of his true nastines shows thro I have to to try to face more of the reality bit by bit and keep reminding myself of the real him.
Being on here has helped me so so much, having a voice on here and being able to offer support to others, i dont feel so isolated anymore and get validated with the truth not his brain washing lies ,bless you all xxxx

[Ayanna]

Big hugs, Godschild. I hope you feel a bit better. x*x

[Courage157]

I really feel for you. I was in the same situation as you. I felt like a stranger in my home, I kept quiet so as not to provoke an argument and I felt obliged to do what he wanted. I dreaded him waking up at the weekends because I just couldn’t relax around him. It got to the point where he would force me to go for a walk with our baby and one time I just felt so sorry for myself seeing how spot everyone was outside, seeing the love. I had tears streaming down my eyes but kept it hidden under my hood (it was winter). He had also made s comment to me “you look like the worlds ended” I just remember thinking to myself how can he have no heart? How can he not see how much he was hurting me. We saw one of his friends on this walk and I tried to hold back the tears and kept my head down like a shaking dog, but he noticed and gave me the biggest hug ever, this simple act of care and kindness just made me feel so safe. My own husband didn’t care yet a stranger to me but his friend cared enough to not care about his loyalty to my husband being his friend. I told my ex once that a nanny was better treated than I was. He cut me off from everything and told his family everything we did in particular his mother who controlled everything. They made him get an industrial safe to hide everything from money to laptops. He stopped sleeping with me too saying things like “I can’t love my wife if you don’t love my mother” and “I’m not sleeping with you because I don’t want another child” just so you know, I never tricked him to have a baby. I got married and pregnant on my honey moon and only lived with him full time after I got married. His mother had warned him not to sleep with me. I left my home after he locked myself and my baby boy in the house and refused to let me leave for (detail removed by moderator) hours, all while arguing in front of my son.

I am out but now I am fighting to save my son from these people. I have gone through so many emotions, like wishing I didn’t leave because I was the only protector of my baby (now I am facing handing him over for (detail removed by moderator) hours once s week), the courts have been unfair to me as my voice was not heard. I will fight because I do feel victimised.

I know it’s easier said than done, and no matter what anybody says, you are the one that has to wake up one day and say that’s it. All I can say it that we only have one life, do you want to live it being controlled or do you want to have a voice and be free? Don’t live your life regretting anything. These men do not care about us. ❤️🙏 X

[godschild]

Thankyou courage 123 xx

[Starmoon]

Hi gods child. I hope you’re ok. You are so so strong. Sending you hugs from me! They are our abusers and saciours.
It’s natural that you should want affection from him. I miss my ex so so much at the moment and it’s really easy to remember the nicer times.. I know it isn’t a huge comfort but when you’re lonely we are all here for you! Stay strong. Xxxx

[godschild]

Thankyou starmoon, its so good to be understood, people think we are crazy for wanting them after all they do to us and its worse for me because I see the nicer him some parts of the day, but still resisting, hope you are ok x*x

[Starmoon]

It must be so hard to not give in and accept his love and comfort. But what they offer is just scraps and only on their terms. Like serenity, I imagined a loving and constant man.. I begged my ex for love and it’s just an extra rejection when they won’t give it. try to be proud that you are making the choice not to depend on him for This too. This is something you are taking control over xxxxx

[godschild]

Thankyou for encouragement starmoon, yes I am taking control over this and other little things bit by bit and he does not like it but its him having to stew in his own juice that he has made for years.
All we yearn for as Women is to loved, given compassion and kindness but they cannot give it as you say we get the scraps when it suits them, I see and hear my husband give so much kindness (albeit a false persona in my opinion) I beleive to others and on the phone, but they dont know the real him behind closed doors. x*x

[Author]

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