This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  lover of no contact 1 week, 6 days ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #85514
     Dragon 
    Participant

    I just feel so low today, I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel so confused. My husband is now telling me that my gut instinct is wrong, the drip, drip, drip of constant ‘you’re viewing this wrong, you’re mad, you think the worst of me rather than the truth, all the ‘gas lighting’ but is it actually gas lighting. I can’t trust myself anymore. I feel crazy. All we do is argue. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am not sure that describing this as abuse has helped me? Now I feel like everything he does is abusive, but is it? I just don’t know. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to vent.

  • #85520
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Your gut instinct is usually right Dragon, please listen to it. I wish I had mine, I wouldn’t have wasted a good chunk of my life. It absolutely sounds like gaslighting and it will wear you down and exhaust you. I hope you feel brighter tomorrow, but in my experience you don’t feel true happiness when you’re in a relationship like that as you can’t be “you” and you’re constantly shifting your beliefs and ideas to match theirs to keep the peace. Xx

  • #85523
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    Yes you are right there. Everything he does, says and not says is to gain, maintain, establish and re-establish CONTROL. Every word he utters is self-serving to him so he can stay top-dog just not with you but with others. He will be the same in his work place, with his family and friends. All he cares about is having the power and control in all his interactions. One way he does this is by telling lies, even little ones to do with insignificant things; then he knows the truth but he’s told us differently so he has one up on us. Sounds like we’re paranoid but they really are like this. Every word they utter has a hidden agenda, motive or is said to manipulate a situation. One that my abuser boss does so regularly is ask questions to which she knows the answer. Then when I give her the answer and am forced to engage with her …she feels powerful.

    You’re not going mad. You’re just living with an abuser..a sick personality.

    Trust yourself. Don’t trust him. I know it goes against our nature as we always see and want to believe the best about others. You’re only feeling crazy because he’s engaging in crazy inducing behaviours.

    You hate the arguments; he loves them. He’s getting plenty of ‘fuel to pump himself up and feel Mr. Big’ from your distress, attempts to explain, make him see etc. Its a game to him..at your expense. He’s having a right laugh to himself. He gets off on your upset.

    See if you can use your Power to not be in the same room as him. Limit topic of conversation to the weather only. Don’t explain, defend, justify anything to him.

    He’s in the kitchen you go into the garden. He’s in the garden you go into the bathroom, lock the door and relax in there if you can’t get away from him. Try and implement No Contact strategies in your home while he’s there. This is a temporary solution but will help you not feel so beaten down by him. He wants you feeling beaten down and weak and this he does by having contact with you.

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