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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Ineedcoffee 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #103811
     Ineedcoffee 
    Participant

    Hi this is my second post on here, (detail removed by moderator) I couldn’t find something and I asked my partner, what it is isn’t important, he grabbed me (detail removed by moderator)

    and pushed me over to it, he has never hit me or been physically violent, but I find him emotionally/ mentally abusive. And I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I’ve been recommended to use the live chat but I never get a chance during the times that it’s available, I feel so stuck, we are together 24/7 the only time I’m alone is when I use the toilet or have a bath, I feel so drained, I also have depression and came off of my medication because he said it’s a good idea, and then calls me crazy when I feel low or can’t stop crying, I feel fine since being off of them, however when your constantly called useless it makes you doubt yourself a lot.

    We’ve been working at jobs and there’s been other people there that hear the way he speaks to me and I get so embarrassed, one person tried to stick up for me and he was rude to them to, then when I went outside had a chat with me about things, I didn’t think it was that bad he’s been worse, I’ve tried to speak to him about it before and I was very gentle in the way I approached it and just said I don’t like the way you speak to me could you be abit nicer, his response was (detail removed by moderator), I am planning on leaving I’m just not sure how and when. I guess right now I just need to be able to talk till I get the confidence and a plan

     

     

  • #103814
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi there,

    This is an abusive relationship. The grabbing your neck and pushing you is physical abuse. The terminology was changed a while back from Domestic Violence (DV) to Domestic Abuse (DA) because so many women were living awful lives with abusive men but never got a mark on them because he never ‘hit’ them.

    The name calling, the pushing and shoving, the undermining us in front of others, the ridiculing of our thoughts and ideas, the challenging of our decision making, the taunts about things we do or say, the dislike of our friends and family, the not wanting us to go out alone, the questioning about how we spend our money, the wanting to know who we are phoning/texting… All of these things that our partners do to us is abuse. If you are becoming fearful of what you say or do in case it provokes a negative response, if you are changing your behaviour and own sense of self to avoid conflict with him, you are suffering abuse. These behaviours come under Controlling and Coercive Behaviour (C&CB). It’s the stuff our partners do to micromanage our lives and have complete dominance over us. It really crushes us, destroys us, makes us doubt ourselves, and he’s so good at making us believe we are mad, it’s all our fault and we are so lucky that we’ve got him as no one else would want us!

    It’s great you are planning on leaving him 🙂

    Now we need to work out how.

    Do you have somewhere you can go to?

    If you are struggling to get some space to make private phone calls to make plans, Boots the Chemist have some sanctuary rooms available for victims of DA. If you are allowed out of the house without him and can make your way to your nearest branch of Boots then just speak to a member of staff and explain your situation. This was announced on the news a few weeks ago, so I popped in to my local branch the next day to see what they were offering. My local branch had a room with a telephone to offer and the phone numbers of our local DA services to hand. They said they didn’t offer any support as they’d had no training etc, but the idea was to give a lady some privacy in a safe space to make calls and obtain help.

  • #103830
     Ineedcoffee 
    Participant

    Hi wants to help,
    I didn’t even realise it was physical abuse, he’s only done it the once, I very rarely go out on my own, and (before lockdown) I can count on one hand how many times I’ve actually seen my friends, And even if I did get to see them I’m not the same person anymore, I feel like I’ve lost myself. We literally do everything together, he gets to go out and see his friends while I’m left at home, he normally tells me what he want me doing, even done to what he expects when he gets home, I think I put it on my last post aswell if it’s not 3 times a day he gets grumpy, even when I’m on my period me expects something sexual, I feel like sometimes I just need afew hours to myself to even do nothing, maybe read a book or go for a walk, I’m not very good at writing and explaining, so I hope I made some sort of sense
    Thank you again for replying to me

  • #103831
     Ineedcoffee 
    Participant

    Oh I forgot to say probably my parents, but the catch there is when I left my last partner because he was similar but stalked me, I moved back with them and (detail removed by moderator) he was in the kitchen with my mum and dad having coffee, so I’m abit scared that he will find his way back into my life, as they are still friends with him, and my current partner knows what he was like and used that against me

     

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