Feeling numb – is this normal?

[starryeyed]

It hasn’t been that long since I left my ex and during this time of being physically apart we have been in contact on/off. I am still doing no contact and trying my best to fight the urge to get in touch with him or get back onto my social media before it is fully deleted.

I’m going up and down a lot in terms of feeling like I’ve made everything up and also feeling like I am still in love with him and miss him a lot. In his last few messages, how he has worded things has made me sound and feel very cruel and I am struggling with this.

But one thing that has been troubling me is aside from these emotions, I feel very numb and empty. I sometimes have these little urges to cry, but no tears. I’ve not had this issue before, I always thought I was more in tune with my emotions, but numb is definitely how I would describe being right now.

I am struggling to sleep at night and dread the nightmares and when I wake up I have anxiety in the pit of my stomach and he is the first thing on my mind. I’m struggling with remembering things as well.

I’m a bit worried that suddenly I’m just gonna burst into tears or it is all going to hit me really intensely and I won’t know how to deal with it.

When I last went into Women’s Aid, a few women were talking about how they couldn’t stop crying…I feel like I’m a bit odd, or maybe I do lack empathy like my ex says, maybe I am cold and maybe I’m the (detail removed by moderator) one.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is there a way to start feeling again?

[Indiansummer]

Hi Starryeyed,

I think I know what you mean – I felt quite numb for the first couple of months after separation. I was just doing what was required to save myself and my children: sorting out a new home, bills, getting some furniture etc. And only after things got settled more or less, it all hit me.

I can’t say that I cried uncontrollably, but quite a few times I was getting upset out of the blue.

That’s when I started CBT treatment, and it’s helping me a lot with my anxiety.

It’s great that you’re going to the group sessions. Don’t feel that you have to feel in a certain way. Just accept your emotions and be kind to yourself.

Sending you love ❤️ x*x

[Tiffany]

I was completely emotionally numb for about a month, and even after that my emotions only came in sort of bursts, with lots of emotionless patches. I think it is quite common. I didn’t cry much at all. Even after I stopped feeling numb I didn’t cry much. I think I had done that when I was being abused, and I didn’t feel the need afterwards. After years of crying daily it was a relief to discover that that wasn’t my character and that I didn’t have to cry continually.

[starryeyed]

Thank you for your replies Indiansummer and Tiffany, I appreciate them. I think I cried a little when I was in the relationship, I remember times when I was at work and on my own over weekends/evenings and when I broke down in front of him. Some of my memory feels really hazy of the relationship too – I almost wondered there if I ever did cry in front of him, how could I forget? Of course I did, I remember now, and he would say I looked tragically beautiful which made me feel uneasy. Why is my memory so bad? It doesn’t help me feel any less mad. I’ve been told that my patchy memory is because of the trauma? But was my trauma really that bad :3

I had nightmares last night about my ex, he was writing a letter to one of these girls he was ‘friends’ with and it seemed that she was his next focus…the timescale felt like it was happening when we were still together…and even right now when I am awake I feel pangs of upset that I’m not good enough, comparing myself to her, I remember what she looks like and I feel like I”m judging myself against her. I wonder where this came from? I guess parts of it are true. Trying to tell myself it is just a nightmare but it is pulling me towards contacting him again…he must have found someone new now because he can’t have any contact from me anymore so he must have moved on and that thought…I can’t describe how that makes me feel but it isn’t relief and it isn’t freedom. I hate that I still want to get in touch with him, he still effects my life.

I also spoke to a friend yesterday and she had been very supportive through all of this but she said that it seems like it was more control than abuse – maybe parts were abuse like the spying, hiding, shouting, put downs, hiding my key – but everything else was control. So this has been on my mind…is she right? Or is this minimising what happened? Isn’t abuse all about control? So the other things that happened were abuse?

Feeling muddled and oversensitive again and like maybe I really did mess this up. He said that I am just not being aware of my own feelings about him and am scared to do this, and if I did I would realise things could be easily fixed and he was afraid that by then it may be too late. I’m so worried this is true.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starry,

Control is abuse – unfortunately a lot of people are very ignorant about domestic abuse and don’t understand the dynamic. Your friend saying that is unhelpful although she might not mean to be. Actually I remember one of my friends said the exact same thing to me about my relationship. If you look up the power and control wheel it will help explain how control is very much a key ingredient of abuse, and remember that coercive control is now a crime.

Foggy head and memory loss is totally normal, its a sign of trauma and also depression. I have it a lot, big and small memory gaps. Emotional numbness is also v common and could be your mind protecting you until it feels you’re ready to process it all, like being in shock.

Finally look up triangulation- it explains how your ex us using other women to try to draw you back in. It’s a very common abuser tactic, my ex did it too and it was horrendously painful and makes you obsess over them even more. It gets easier with time, try journaling or drawing your thoughts and feelings and nightmares as that can really help.

[starryeyed]

Hi SunshineRainflower,

Thank you for your reply. It was really helpful to read that abuse is control. I feel like I knew this already but my thoughts are so confused at the moment and I am in so much denial, I question myself with everything. My friend definitely meant it from a good place, she went on to say no one should be treated like that – but I agree with you, domestic abuse is really confusing and hard to understand. I will look up the Power and Control wheel, thank you.

I think I want to learn more about how trauma effects us – do you or anyone have any good suggestions with what to read or listen to?

I’ll look up triangulation again too, I did have a read of it but I felt that maybe it didn’t relate to my situation. Now, I’m not so sure? My ex would say he didn’t like some of my friends (some he had met, but barely knew) really for reasons that seemed to be fear of them leading me astray and as a way to stop me from seeing them or going out. When I was about to make a new friend he would also talk badly of them, so I never felt I could continue building the new friendship. I should never speak to friends or family about any worries about my relationship with him – I should only talk to him because it isn’t normal to not. When I had left him he then said that it was my family making the whole situation worse than what it was and skewering my view and I shouldn’t listen to them. Is this any form of triangulation?

In terms of my nightmare and ‘other girls’ it seems a bit more complicated to me. Maybe even silly, and maybe overreacting. So on a social media site I saw that he was ‘liking’ a lot of other girls photos – I didn’t know who they were, he never mentioned them before and they were all selfies and they were in sexy revealing clothes. I used to have selfies on my social media and photos of myself with friends and he got very angry at me for comments from other men – although I knew these men and most were friends…he sent me numerous screenshots and swore at me demanding who they were. I was very on edge and then deleted all my photos because I felt awful and guilty – I ended up privately sending them to my ex. I could see his point in a way – it isn’t nice to see comments from other men on your girlfriends photos of herself, it could be flirting, not appropriate when in a relationship – I could see his point of view…but I didn’t like how accusatory he was or how he dealt with it…but I could see his point. He told me he didn’t follow accounts where people posted photos of themselves – but I could see that he was liking these other girls photos! I had a bad experience in a previous relationship where my ex cheated on me online, so I felt I couldn’t just brush this off and I felt really anxious about it and comparing myself, my self-esteem plummeting even more. So I decided I would mention this to my ex – I did and he firstly was defensive saying why was I watching him, which girl was I talking about…well there were many, but I explained one girl in particular and he said she was just a friend but she annoyed him a bit and they barely speak anymore. I let it go, and I didn’t see him liking her photos anymore but he was still liking other girls photos. And then it became he was following and then unfollowing accounts of girls that were glamour models/camgirls/fitness models .etc. I would see he was following them, but then he would unfollow and I felt like I had made it all up. But their account would be on my history…so I knew that I had actually been on there, and not for my own purpose! It sounds daft, because I know it is just social media and it doesn’t mean much…why did I care, he was with me .etc. but…he knew how much this effected my self confidence yet he continued to do this? And I never understood the following/unfollowing? Surely this was conscious? And why support other girls, even if they were his friends, online when he didn’t want my photos on there and didn’t like other men doing that to me? It seemed so hypocritical, such a double standard. Why did he decide to do this? Is this another form of triangulation?

The effect on me was horrible, I became paranoid and constantly judging myself against these girls – some of whom were totally airbrushed, some of whom were alarmingly young. This is something I am still dealing with, still on my mind – clearly, from my nightmare.

Thank you for your help x*x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starryeyed,

You wrote:

“My ex would say he didn’t like some of my friends (some he had met, but barely knew) really for reasons that seemed to be fear of them leading me astray and as a way to stop me from seeing them or going out. When I was about to make a new friend he would also talk badly of them, so I never felt I could continue building the new friendship. I should never speak to friends or family about any worries about my relationship with him – I should only talk to him because it isn’t normal to not. When I had left him he then said that it was my family making the whole situation worse than what it was and skewering my view and I shouldn’t listen to them.”

This is a classic example of isolation, one of the abuser tactics. They do it because it weakens us, reduces the help friends and family can give us and makes us dependent on them, increasing their control. My ex started to tell me not to look at google and to ask him everything instead! He also told me not to talk to my mum about our relationship, and questioned me suspiciously about my male cousin (!) and about one of my friends. Abusers are angry, jealous people and don’t like other people in our lives as it threatens their control.

You wrote:

“So on a social media site I saw that he was ‘liking’ a lot of other girls photos – I didn’t know who they were, he never mentioned them before and they were all selfies and they were in sexy revealing clothes. I used to have selfies on my social media and photos of myself with friends and he got very angry at me for comments from other men – although I knew these men and most were friends…he sent me numerous screenshots and swore at me demanding who they were. I was very on edge and then deleted all my photos because I felt awful and guilty – I ended up privately sending them to my ex. I could see his point in a way – it isn’t nice to see comments from other men on your girlfriends photos of herself, it could be flirting, not appropriate when in a relationship – I could see his point of view…but I didn’t like how accusatory he was or how he dealt with it…but I could see his point. He told me he didn’t follow accounts where people posted photos of themselves – but I could see that he was liking these other girls photos! I had a bad experience in a previous relationship where my ex cheated on me online, so I felt I couldn’t just brush this off and I felt really anxious about it and comparing myself, my self-esteem plummeting even more. So I decided I would mention this to my ex – I did and he firstly was defensive saying why was I watching him, which girl was I talking about…well there were many, but I explained one girl in particular and he said she was just a friend but she annoyed him a bit and they barely speak anymore. I let it go, and I didn’t see him liking her photos anymore but he was still liking other girls photos. And then it became he was following and then unfollowing accounts of girls that were glamour models/camgirls/fitness models .etc. I would see he was following them, but then he would unfollow and I felt like I had made it all up. But their account would be on my history…so I knew that I had actually been on there, and not for my own purpose! It sounds daft, because I know it is just social media and it doesn’t mean much…why did I care, he was with me .etc. but…he knew how much this effected my self confidence yet he continued to do this? And I never understood the following/unfollowing? Surely this was conscious? And why support other girls, even if they were his friends, online when he didn’t want my photos on there and didn’t like other men doing that to me? It seemed so hypocritical, such a double standard. Why did he decide to do this? Is this another form of triangulation?”

Yes this is all triangulation, and gaslighting too as well as an example of being controlling (ie, angrily reacting to comments on your photos online so that you’d remove them). Like you said, it is indeed extremely hypocritical which seems to be how all abusers are – one rule for them, another set of rules for us. My ex was similar in how he used social media. He was following an actress on social media, and she came up in a film we were watching. He pretended he didn’t know who she was, I didn’t say anything. The next day I checked his social media and saw that he had unfollowed her. He also followed this young hypersexualised ‘sports star’ who basically does cleavage and short skirt shots and is followed by millions of pervy men. He was always really possessive with his phone but ‘casually’ tilted the screen towards me to show me her when she ‘accidentally’ came up on his social media feed. I can see now that he deliberately engineered it to make me jealous and insecure, especially as I remember seeing his ‘dupers delight’ smile when I admitted I had felt insecure, fat, old and ugly when I saw he was following her since she is 10 years my junior.

They LOVE to triangulate us because it makes them feel powerful, wanted, needed, sexy, attractive, in demand etc. Picasso was famous for triangulating – they deliberately pit women against eachother then act innocent, but they are the one engineering it all. A normal healthy man wouldn’t be doing all of this. He might watch porn on his own, but he’s unlikely to shout about it or even admit it because he won’t want it to upset you. Whereas an abuser will either obviously or subtly ensure that you see it because he knows it will slowly wear down your self esteem making you feel jealous, insecure, needy, desperate and crazy.

In terms of books I really recommend ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft as well as Psychopath Free. If you look on amazon a list of related books will come up and there are a lot of good articles online which explain it further.

P.S You’re not overanalysing, abusers tell us that we are overanalyse, that we are ‘imagining things’ or are ‘too sensitive’ because it enables them to get away with all sorts whilst we are silenced. A sign of a healthy relationship would be the absence of all of this analysis and detective work – I read that if you have to play detective in relation to your partner it is a very bad sign and usually means your gut has sensed they are up to no good.

[starryeyed]

P.S. Please do tell me if I am overanalysing or overreacting about the online/other women stuff. Is this normal male behaviour? Am I being too sensitive about it? Should I even be bringing that up in this forum?

I suppose the thing is he never followed accounts like that to start with, when I first met him – he followed a few on old social media but I thought that was when he was younger! And he said he didn’t like that type of thing, equating women who do that as slutty really. So I don’t understand why he then did this? So confused, feels like there are 2 different men in my ex.

[Tiffany]

He did it to make you jealous and insecure. It was one of the few things that didn’t work on me – but my ex tried it on me especially with using online dating while we were together ‘just to make friends’! Can’t understand now why this didn’t make me jealous. But there is no limit to what these men will do to hurt us.

[Tiffany]

You didn’t imagine it. It was probably worse than you remember. I didn’t start remembering things clearly for a couple of months, which I think was maybe the amount of time it took for the gaslighting to wear off for me. And I still have blank patches in my memory from the trauma.

[Ayanna]

I am still numb a few years after it all happened.
For some it lasts a lifetime.
That is what abuse does to us.

You need to be very kind with yourself.
Do not expect anything, just try to enjoy the little things every day brings.
Life will improve, but you might have changed.
Embrace the changed you.

[starryeyed]

Thank you for your replies <3
It feels painful to know that he knew my insecurities and my reasons for them, but he still went ahead and used them as a way to manipulate me.
It is scary to feel like you don’t know who you are anymore and to think that you may have changed.
Everything is taking a long time to digest. I can’t understand why abusers would break people like this or how it appeals to them.
I went to the GP and they said that it sounds like PTSD.

Sending lots of love and strength to everyone <3 x x x

[Author]

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