Feeling on the edge..

[DreamyFighter]

I’m sorry in advance for the very long post but writing is the only thing that is really helping me right now.
I want to make the call but don’t have the courage.
I have been married with my husband for (detail removed by moderator), and have a beautiful son. He had some episodes of abusive behaviour even before getting married which made me leave him for a while and went back to my country. He then seemed changed and I came back to the UK and finally got married. Everything was fast, the marriage, the pregnancy as we were trying to sort his immigration status out. But after I got pregnant things started to go bad again. I remember one day, almost due to have my baby, sitting on the floor of my bedroom, not allowed to get out or else threats, crying so much for feeling so miserable. it was another discussion about something probably “stupid” ( I easily forget the wrongs he does to me, I think is a protection I have developed during adolescence after my parents separated), but it ended up with insults and when I told him I would call the police, he took all the phones away from me and left me in my room. After my son was born things were a bit better, but now it’s starting again. we both agreed that it would be good for me to start a new career and get a degree, but because I am from EU I have no access to maintenance grant or any childcare help which made our financial problems even worst. Now I always get insults, I am told I am not good in everything, I am selfish because he is sacrifing for me and I can’t even “keep the house tidy/take care of our child/find a job” (everytime there is something) Even a dish not prepared accordingly to his taste can bring an argument. (detail removed by moderator) he told me to apply for a job he found on the internet and I told him that I was also thinking to apply to another one I saw. He ignored me and when I told him that being ignored is painful he got up like a fury, shouting and saying that he ignored me because he was respecting me , as I was saying stupid things and didn’t want to insult me. I am a very patient person, I understand he comes from a family where abusive behaviour was normal, now they are pressurising him because they want more money ( sometimes we send them money even if my father is sending us some because we don’t have it), and I know it is a hard situation we are in. But when I try to talk about this behaviour he says it’s my fault cause I push him because of my attitude.
And I get so upset because everybody thinks I am leaving a beautiful life with a husband that every woman desires, as he is so loving and sweet in front of people. He is able to make you feel like you can break the world beside him but you’d better not upset him or you will face hell.

I really don’t know what to do, I want to run away but at the same time I am afraid. I keep on justifying him saying that it’s just a bad period, but evreytime there is something wrong he puts it on me, like it’s my fault. I have lost self-esteem, any motivation, joy. The only thing that keeps me alive is my son and UNI.
If I leave I would have to probably go back to my country, as I don’t know anyone here, can’t provide references for a new job as I only know people who are “his friends”, I would have to leave uni as I won’t be able to afford childcare on my own and basically every hope I have built since I came in this country.
I also don’t know what it might happen to his residence card if we separate, I don’t even know how to go back to my country since I have a (detail removed by moderator) debt on my credit card, plus all the bills on my name (detail removed by moderator)
I feel stuck in a cycle that will never break, and feel like I am destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. Everything you are feeling is what happens when you’re trapped in an abusive relationship. Abusers trap us with Fear Obligation and Guilt. Google cycle of abuse. Cognitive dissonance. Trauma Bonding. You are right about your self esteem and your self confidence. The helpline is great and also it you could find your local women’s aid and pop in there. They can help you with housing, refuge Place and help. I know it feels daunting speaking to someone but you need help to get out of this situation and there is no point in arguing with him. He will just gaslight (Google that). And leave you feeling even more confused. They are great liars. Do not believe a word he says.

[DreamyFighter]

Hi Kip,
thank for your reply.
I loved the aspect about cognitive dissonance, I have made my own researches but that was new to me.
He seems to be very good at twisting my feelings, cause when I expect him to burst, he will turn into a loving and understanding angel, but at the end, no matter what I do, turns out to be my fault regardless of the situation. I will take the advice and courage and call the helpline too explore the options.

Thanks

[KIP.]

Mine was exactly the same. I wasted decades and he ruined my mental health. Keep fighting to get out. There is lots of help out there. You’re not alone x

[SunshineRainflower]

Your partner sounds very abusive, I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through. My ex was the same, somehow everything was always my fault and I found myself apologising when he had done something cruel to me. They have warped, twisted mindsets, lie pathologically and have no empathy. Don’t give up, the helpline and your local DV service will understand the dynamic and will be able to help. You could also perhaps ask your university student services as they often have good support services for all types of things and will want to help.

[Tiffany]

My ex borrowed money ‘for his family’ from me regularly. Even though his job paid twice what mine did and we split the rent and bills down the middle. It turned out after I had decided to leave that none of the money was going to his family and that he was spending it on himself.

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