Feeling pressured

[Darknessallaround]

I’m at the bottom of a very dark hole. I don’t know if I have the strength (or will) to climb up and pull myself out of it again. The miniscule reward at the end doesn’t seem worth the enormous effort required.

I’ve been speaking to a counsellor on the phone. She is aware of some of the details of my home situation and I know she only wants to help and wants the best for me, but…
I know nothing will change if I don’t take action over my situation, but I need to go at my pace not hers. I’m feeling quite a lot of subtle pressure to make the changes I need to in my life, namely, leaving my marriage. She said she knows it isn’t easy but that she did it and now lives perfectly ok on her own. The difference is, she has close family. I no longer have anyone and if I left now, would be totally alone. I don’t think someone with loving family and friends, in short, a support system, can comprehend how terrifying this prospect is.

I was put in a similar situation a few years ago by another counsellor. Except that time I took her advice and eventually left. She then withdrew support and I was left to just cope with everything on my own. After some considerable while, I returned home and slowly over the past few years things have got bad again and I’m back to square one.

My fault, yes I know. I feel like because I’m currently choosing to stay in this situation, that I’m being told I’m bringing the depression & anxiety on myself.

[KIP.]

Please explain how you feel to your therapist. Read your post to her. You can only leave when you are ready so try to start building support around you as if you’re going to leave. Can you contact your family and re establish contact with any old friends or try to make new ones. Join some clubs. Start preparing for life away from your abuser then you might have the confidence to leave x

[Darknessallaround]

I don’t have any family.
Going anywhere to meet people isn’t an option. It hasn’t been an option since the first lockdown last year. I’ve not been able to go to any appointments, do any shopping, meet up with anyone.
Life has just basically been stopped.
I am completely isolated.

[ISOPeace]

Darknessallaround, I just wanted to say that you’re absolutely right – you need to go at your pace. Any advice from charities on how to help someone in an abusive relationship always stresses that putting pressure to make the person leave just adds more stress to an already incredibly stressful situation. I’m sure you counsellor means well. I agree with KIP that you should tell her. She might not realise how you feel. If she continues to pressurise you, she may be lacking the empathy needed to give you the support you need.

Building up a support network is important but I understand that it feels impossible at the moment. Are you able to contact your local women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline? They should be able to help you with an action plan. Sending love xxxx

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