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Hi everyone
I’ve had an awful few weeks since I was last on here – not just the aftermath of the marriage ending and separation really starting and all the associated emotional abuse that went with that; but everywhere I turn I seem to be faced with challenge and set back. I know it’s probably linked to how I feel in general but even my friends can’t believe my ‘bad luck’.
My (detail removed by Moderator) year old has a disability and I’m really really struggling on my own with him. And just lately I’ve started to feel overwhelming regret at the separation and want my husband back.
He has made it clear he has absolutely no interest in ever having a relationship with me again ( he was very smug about that).
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so s**t about myself and so low and so lost.
Lots of my friends have failed to make contact and his family have basically treated me like I died. I feel totally erased and exhausted and like I have nothing in my future.
Sorry. Very low point today.
Has anyone else had the awful yo yo of emotion that makes you think you want him back?
WND x
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Hi
I’m still in the process of separating but not there yet but I just wanted to say that it must be difficult. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You’ve clearly been brave to get this far and you will know the reasons why you did. They are no less valid now. Its always disappointing when friends don’t show up in the way you hoped but you’ve done so well to get this far. No-one knows what it’s like unless you’ve lived it so I think some friends just don’t really get it and they are lucky for never having suffered. Stay strong. x -
Hi Wavingnotdrowning,
It can be really difficult and extreme highs and lows are very normal as you struggle to break thectrauma bond and adjust to your new situation. Further down the line, you might find that the ups and downs become less extreme until you start to find yourself on a more even keel.
It’s really hard when friends fall away. They tend to side with one or other of you or just vanish completely. It leaves you with a gap in your life and in your support network and it comes just at a time when you are flailing around trying to work out who you really are.
This can be a really good time to take counselling. As you start to work through your new situation with a counsellor, you might find that what you crave can be found elsewhere and it’s more genuine.
I lost absolutely everything material and financial when I left – including my job. I also lost friends. They honestly turned out not to be friends worth keeping. But I did walk away with my two sons and a small group of solid friends who saw me through.
Eventually, you start to find your real self and once that happens, those gaping holes in your life start to fill themselves in. It’s a tough road and it can take years but you will get there. You can do this. xx
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Yes, I think from reading posts on here over time it’s a common stage/feeling for several reasons.
As Eggshells said, you’re learning who you are all over again after years of being told what you can/can’t do/like. You’re breaking that trauma bonding and our bodies get addicted to the chemicals released during the highs (dopamine & seratonin) and the lows (anxiety & stress related), so you’re also going through a withdrawal. Let’s not forget you’re also going through a break up and whilst it’s right to leave the abuse, you’re still going through a break up! You’re missing the good, the ‘what could’ve been’, the companionship and the future dream.
Like you my ex has cut me clean off with no chance of reconciliation which is good but boy does that coldness hurt – like you didn’t matter all those years. His family has ghosted me, no loss but again you sit there and think thanks/why?! I think only 2/3 maximum friends have said anything to me about him, the rest it’s just like life has carried on and I sit there thinking jeez, I’ve been through so much and not even a hug?! Then having to listen to their woes thinking ‘if only’. I’m torn between they can’t relate to what we’ve been through, they have no idea what we’ve been through because actually we’ve kept it all secret for years or that they’re not my people after all. That last one is kind of liberating as I think good, you’re recognising relationships which aren’t beneficial to you vs how on earth do you make friends as an adult and ditching ppl will make you more lonely, can’t win.?
On top of all this, you’ve got your child and associated health challenges. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say you’re doing a fantastic job and need to be kind to yourself. I thought my house, me, the kids all needed to be ‘perfect’ straight away after leaving but how unrealistic is that,we all need time. You’re still on a rollercoaster with highs and lows, reach out for support when you need it, you deserve it x*x
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Thanks so much everyone that’s exactly what I needed to hear.
The coldness – yes! I’m to mother of your child and we were/are MARRIED?! Did that mean nothing.
It is literally like I don’t exist… I’m in counselling with a therapist and she’s great – I told her my goal was really to understand what makes me happy as sadly I don’t know anymore….
I’m just finding everything so b****y hard. And have these awful moments where I think an abusive relationship is preferable to this awful void of nothingness…
The what ifs are awful. And I feel so rejected and discarded like I was/am nothing. That really really hurts…
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I saw a post by Narcabusecoach on Instagram that said if the abuser cuts you off cold, take it as a compliment because they’ve recognised how strong you are and that you can’t be manipulated by them any longer. That hit home.
Those years and memories meant something to us, he can’t erase that. Don’t give the power to ruin the good times x
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