Feeling responsible for the stonewalling

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi ladies. I have not posted in quite some time. I’m seeking advice, support & an honest opinion. I broke up with my abusive ex several years ago & last year I started dating someone seriously for the first time. Everything in the new relationship was going so great up until recently. He was kind, considerate, consistent, generous, patient. We started talking about a future. Recently we had a disagreement (no yelling or anything like that) & afterwards he shut down and didn’t communicate with me for a full day or so. It was out of the ordinary because we typically communicate throughout the day. This time however my calls, texts, emails went unanswered for the entire day and it wasn’t until the next morning that he responded. The next day he finally explained he felt emotionally overwhelmed by the disagreement and had taken time to himself but didn’t intend to hurt me by doing this. I explained how hurtful it was, how the silence really was triggering based on the past stonewalling I experienced from my ex and much it had affected me. He was really understanding & kind & we decided to move forward.

Not too long after that the same thing happened again! We got info a disagreement (no yelling or cursing or anything like that) but by the end of the argument we were both pretty annoyed with one another. We decided to move forward but maybe about a day after that argument he did the same thing , he went silent. Again a full day passed before I heard anything and he didn’t respond to any of my messages or phone calls. The next day he sent me a very lengthy message explaining that he again had felt emotionally overwhelmed and had decided to step away from his phone so he could tend to his emotions. I ended up ending the relationship because the stonewalling (even though I don’t believe he did it maliciously) was way too triggering. My abusive ex used silence as a form of emotional abuse and would stonewall me for weeks sometimes.

My question is, did I overreact? I hear myself yelling “nooo” as I type this. If everything else in the relationship was good couldn’t I just have adjusted and in the future given him space for a day or so after an argument if I know that’s what he needs? Again I hear myself responding “no” and “but he never communicated that this was a need in the first place, why should you have to guess?” Also am I overreacting? The stonewalling felt awful and was triggering but now I’m second guessing myself and asking if it was really that bad? I do have a pattern of second guessing myself and convincing myself things aren’t as bad as they seem once I get a little distance from them. Also what if I was to blame? Maybe I was too pushy, maybe I did hurt him bad enough that he felt he needed to shut down. Again, there’s a voice inside me saying “not your fault”! Having other doubts as well.

I really appreciate you ladies for reading all of this.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I forgot to add that the second time he went silent I really emotionally spiraled a bit. Lost my appetite, couldn’t sleep, felt physically drained & even got sick to my stomach. I know it’s because it was too reminiscent of past abuse. But now I’m like, was I being dramatic? Shouldn’t I have been better able to control my emotions & isn’t there something wrong with me for being so distraught by his silence?

[minimeerkat]

just to say its completely understandable that his silence would be very triggering, because for example abusive partners behave in exactly the same way to ‘punish’ you – especially if you have had the courage to either stand up for yourself or confront them
i suppose the only thing that would have helped was if he had shown a little common courtesy or decency, by at least responding to you just the once to say that he needed time to deal with how things had made him feel. as i think this very brief communication from him would have allowed you to know what was going on instead of leaving you unsettled, panicking & triggered
its just a bit concerning if after the first time he was aware of how it made you feel? yet he still proceeded to do it again?
even i get extremely triggered by anyone at all who doesnt respond. its quite rude to be honest – its not asking a lot for just a few words is it x

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