Feeling Rubbish

[Getmylifeback]

Hi everyone

Sorry if this is a depressing post, I just felt it might help to write my feelings down and I think you guys will get it!

Kids are with their dad (removed by moderator), he has them every weekend and (removed by moderator). I had our other child and we made a special tea and had a movie night and she really enjoyed it. Next week she want to stay a night too so i’ll have my first night on my own for nearly a (removed by moderator).

Today I’ve felt completely empty. A friend had asked me to meet up to have a look at some houses which are being build this year then have lunch after. I saw her (removed by moderator) and she said see you (removed by moderator) then I messaged her (removed by moderator) asking what time etc and received nothing back. At the moment I need people around me if I have a full day, I overthink if i’m on my own and it does nothing for my sanity so I was very disappointed that shes let me down. I’d be worried if it was someone else but she’s dropped out last minute once before so she’s probably just had a better offer 🙁

I went to look at the house anyway and oh my it was beautiful and I so want it. But theres only one left, it’s within my price range perfect area but I’ve tied myself in to rent until December. I’ve agreed a figure with the ex, well lower than it legally could be but I just want out, but I know its not going to happen in time which makes me sad also as it really would be our perfect forever home.

so instead of being out for dinner or working which I could also be doing and earning some overtime or time in lieu i’m sat feeling sorry for myself. And that makes me feel even worse as i’m not one for pity. I just have no motivation.

I don’t want to be with him, don’t love him and I want the kids to have a good relationship with him. but I know he’ll be moving on pretty quickly and will be in our old house with my kids making a new happy family. I really worry about losing my son, not so much my daughter as she’s a mummies girl.

he’s saying since I (removed by moderator) that I have emotionally destroyed my son and if he ends up like his dad, with a very addictive personality (which I do think my son has got) then if he turns to drugs or drink in his teenage years it’ll be my fault.

He was being extra nice when he was trying to get me back but now I’ve told him I want to sort the financies and moved on he’s back to being difficult.

He rang (removed by moderator) saying (detail removed by moderator). I’ve said no chance to this and as my kids are my priority I would always ensure they were looked after. He just sees it that its his money which will be used to buying my new house and that he’ll always feel he propped me up and bought me it.

[Getmylifeback]

Just to top of off (removed by moderator) comes back home in a foul mood, speaking to me like a piece of s**t so I ended up shouting at him to have some respect, daughter crying saying she doesn’t want to live with him anymore, he’s so angry . He was having counselling but just shut off and refused to continue.

[Lisa]

Hi Getmylifeback,

I can see this is a really difficult time for you. Don’t feel the need to apologise on here, this forum is specifically for women in your situation and the others on here will be very understanding of what you are feeling right now.
It’s normal for you to feel drained and lacking motivation at the moment. The amount of emotional stress you are clearly under must be exhausting. Try to start focusing on what information, advice, and help you feel you could really benefit from right now. Also try to not take in the misinformation and intimidation tactics your ex-partner is using on you right now, as it’s meant to make you feel confused, hurt and powerless. You have rights and options.
You can find your local domestic abuse service here. Rights of Women offer free legal advice. Corum are children’s legal centre focusing on the rights of the child and prioritising their welfare.
These are just a few to try. I hope this helps and you are able to move forward with the support you need.
Keep posting and take care,

Lisa

[Getmylifeback]

Thanks Lisa.

Tbh currently the ex is my least worries, I’m petrified of losing my son. He blames me for everything.

He’s being told by his dad that he’s trying to get the family back together and loves me etc and I’m saying to him it’s not going to happen. His dad is saying how he’s changed etc and to be honest he is making a good effort with the kids but since he left still threatened me etc and even if I can see some change j don’t want him in my life. But I feel powerless.

My son has sobbed himself to sleep tonight. He says he hates his life and our house and it’s my fault as j can’t be bothered to try with his dad.

I have no idea what to do. He seems to be getting worse whereas I thought he’d settle down and get better. I know if I discuss this with my ex he’ll use that power so I’m torn between this or battle on alone and hope his dad gets bored with playing father of the year.

[fizzylem]

Interesting that your ex blames you for these things and so does your son, sounds to me like he could be manipulating your son here GMLB, have you thought about calling the NSPCC or Barnardoes to ask if they may be able to support him? Get him some counselling? Clearly this is not your fault, you’ve done what you’ve done because you felt there was no choice staying, the relationship ended because of abuse.

Sadly these men sometimes pull their children into their adult conflict.

Re the rent, have you spoken to them to see what could be the soonest you could leave? Does it mean that because you’ve signed until Dec that you cant get out sooner? Or can you give notice? If so what would be the financial implications?

I get this is a worrying time and his influence over your son concerns me too; he’s not helping him here is he, but to start with you need to stop listening to his dad, he is not a credible witness, he is delusional, manipulative and tactical. You need to get other agencies involved with your son so that what is happening becomes clear and the way to help him becomes clear. The reason I mention the above agencies is because you tend to get a better service from them, because they get it, but you could go via the GP and get referred into CAMHS – lengthy process mind, but having your concerns logged with the GP and trying to get him to speak with the GP could help. Make sure you give the GP a heads up re what yo think may be occuring and then take him to see the GP as well.

It sounds to me that you and your son need a few discussions; why does he think you broke up? Is he old enough or in an emotionally mature enough place to be reasoned with?

[fizzylem]

If your son culd talk to a counsellor about how he feels, the blame, the counsellor would be working in a way to change this, help him to process his blame, as the counsellor knows its unhealthy for him to be carrying this around for many reasons; counselling would also help to boost his esteem. I’d log this with the GP and ask for their help but I wouldnt leave it at that, I’d explore other options as well, because you dont have the time to sit around and wait months for the service, be better to see if its needed at the time a CAMHS appointment is offered to you.

[Camel]

I agree with Fizzy that independent counselling for your son would be good. Regardless of the reasons for the break-up, it’s obviously very traumatic for him. (Chances are it’s not easy for your daughter either but perhaps she’s older and seen more?) You can’t possibly deal with his emotional well-being along with everything else. Have you spoken to his school to let them know what’s going on, find out if they offer any kind of support or counselling? He needs a private forum to manage his emotions.

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