Feeling Sacred

[Lotus20]

Feeling scared and unsure the more I think of leaving

I have been experiencing emotional manipulation and psychological control, this has got worsten recently and I was threaten that he would take my baby away from me. So I called the Women’s Aid last week and started reaching for help. Came to the decision that’s best for me and my baby to lave as soon as possible as I can not predict his next action and constantly worried if he doesn’t being able my baby back every time he goes out.
Whilst I didn’t get an emergency accommodations, I’m thinking to move to a trusted friend. I’m just getting very scared about the unknown and aniuy what would be his next move and what is going to happen to us. Please help.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Lotus20,
You have done the right thing in reaching out to WA and on here. It is normal to feel like this and I would encourage you to continue to contact WA for on-going support. Not sure which contact option you used to get some support initially but I’m going to put weblinks on how to access support below for you as a reminder for you:

I need help – information and support on domestic abuse

Domestic Abuse Directory

If you haven’t accessed local domestic abuse support, I’d encourage you to do so if you can- you can find this using the directory link above.

I think on-going support and advice from WA is required in order to help you to navigate getting out.

Please be reassured that you can also seek support from other professionals around you, e.g. your GP, Health Visitors etc. This will also build evidence if you require it once you have left. However, I would always advise accessing this support alongside the support from Women’s Aid and if you have a trusted and supportive family/friend member, perhaps attend any appointments with professionals with them. I know that there are strict measurements in place because of Covid, however, you should be entitled to support for appointments if you need it. If you have a trusted friend/family member, they can always advocate for you on your behalf to book appointments/express that you need support etc, if you are able to get a local Women’s Aid worker allocated- they may be able to arrange/attend appointments with you.

You need help and support to plan your next steps. Things like, you ring 101 when you leave and log with the police where you have gone and the address etc but for them not to give it out, so that if he rings the police to report you as missing- they are aware of where you are. I don’t want to go into too much of this with you though Lotus20 as it may get confusing and overwhelm you and I want to know that you have physically got professional support in place that you can speak to directly and who can help you to plan.

You need to be aware though that the period of time in building up to and actually leaving is potentially the most dangerous time for survivors as potentially the perpetrator senses a loss of control and so behaviours can become amplified. This is why I want to make sure you get on-going professional support to ensure that you are fully aware of how to protect yourself and your child’s safety.

You also need to be aware that many survivors who leave their perpetrators experience post traumatic stress disorder. I am not saying that you will but I do want you to be aware of this so that you can access support if you do, this is why I mention GP support as it may be beneficial to seek this prior to getting out if you can to help you to manage and prepare.

I sincerely hope I haven’t overwhelmed you with the above and made you feel more scared and unsure, my intention is to make sure you are forewarned so you can prepare yourself. It is also to communicate a clear message to you that it is important for you to continue to seek and access on-going professional support and build a network around you, including evidence that may be relied on at a later date.

How you are feeling is normal for the situation though and I wish I could actually do more to help you with that but I hope the above encourages you to take some steps that help you to manage these understandable emotions and move forward with your decision to get out/end the relationship- which is the right one given the abuse that you are experiencing.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Lotus20]

Hi Soulsearcher,

I can’t not tell you how much it mean ms to receive your message. I havd been very scared and emotional today, whilst I was doubting myself, a gee incidents happened and the tension raised again and then I was more determined that this is the right thing and soon after the apologies and the change.. I am really tird and really thinking mmay he something is wrong with me l, though when I put things together I am sure that I did not hurt him but got hurt again and again. It is very difficult to leave as well as I can’t see everything being destroyed and very worried for my baby too.. Every time I get to this point I feel stuck. It’s painful.
Thanks for your message again actually it’s very encouraging and I can see that I need an ongoing help and calling women’s aid is not a one off and actually very beneficial and I need it. I will call again on Monday. Also told my GP and I hope to be contacted and followed up soon.
Thanks for letting me know regarding the police, I did not know that at all.
I will be more careful, yes he has been very unpredictable and this is now my main worries, I can see him feeling desperate and noticing that I have not left much in me. This is not good, I am just trying to maintain some peace for the time being an looking after everyone, including him.

Once agin Thank you.

[Soulsearcher18]

Yes, this is a challenging time-to say the least, the bit before you get out. I can’t think about this bit on my journey too much as it is too frightening. But I did it and I am here to speak of it, so I hope that offers some encouragement and reassurance.

Women’s Aid have a 24 hour helpline, if that is any help to you and if you have any space to access it without him being around. The number is on the ‘I need help’ link I posted earlier on. Just in case you need to speak to someone before Monday. It can take some time to get through and I think that sometimes, calling later on at night might be less busy, though not sure if that is of use to you.

I have also heard through a few posts on here that the Samaritans are a really good and supportive helpline and they are available 24 hours a day on 116 123. I haven’t called them but a few times, especially early on in getting out- I had to call my local domestic abuse emergency helpline. Picking up the phone and speaking to someone isn’t always the way you want to communicate when feeling so low but if that is the only option available, at least having some reassurance that these services will listen and understand might give you the confidence to try it. I know that Samaritans are not a Domestic Abuse charity but they will be well trained I suspect on Domestic abuse and likely experienced in helping survivors.

You mentioned in your post about it being difficult to leave because of seeing everything destroyed and being worried for your baby. I wasn’t sure if you meant your home/belongings being destroyed, or generally your relationship and family unit? Whichever it was, either way- living in an abusive relationship is soul destroying, for you and your baby. You won’t even be able to see it all clearly whilst you are still in it but there is no managing/glossing over an abusive relationship, the abuse is insidious and it will creep into every part of you and your baby’s being. The only way to make it better is to end the relationship and for you to go zero contact with your abuser so that you can begin to heal and recover and you can re-programme/learn how to live instead of exist under controlling behaviour. You could live in a mansion and have all the material things in the world but if you are existing in an abusive relationship, as opposed to living, it won’t mean anything anyway. You might as well be incarcerated. Sorry, I have gotten carried away there with a memory of my own- I don’t mean to be insensitive as that might be hard for you to hear right now.

I am wondering if the Survivors Handbook from Women’s Aid might be useful for you to look at, if you haven’t already. I will put the link below for it.

The Survivor’s Handbook

Remember, if you feel unsafe and at risk of immediate danger at any point- you dial 999. No hesitations.

Take care, will keep checking in on you.

Soulsearcher

[Soulsearcher18]

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline

http://www.nationaldahelpine.org.uk

[Lotus20]

Hi soulsearcher,

Thabk you again for your words and encouragement.
I was close to breakdown today, called the police and I feel he also played with the and manipulated them, I hope they would see that, but is hard to see how he says hurtful things and then says is either my interpretation of them or because I did something wrong. I worried that I can not prove this when it comes to his games and psychological abuse. When he uses everything including our baby to play with my emotions and he does not care about her wellbeing and then he pretends that he cares so much. I nearly think it’s me who is going crazy and I can’t belive this. I hope I can find my way through this with some help from the professionals and the authorities.
Thanks again
I will also call the Samaritans when I can get a chance to talk.
I called the women’s aid a c national abuse and is hard to get through and I only get some chances to call on the phone.

Once again thank you for being there for me.

[Soulsearcher18]

I’m sorry to hear that Lotus20. If you called the police then I take it that you should be getting a follow up from a specialist Domestic Violence worker from their service. Did they offer this to you? Did they give you a chance to speak individually with them?

Abusers will twist truths and lie to you and professionals- that is their game. They will do and say whatever they need to to maintain power and control.

If you have a safe way of keeping a log of incidents, this is helpful but do take care- it needs to be secure so he can’t access/find it.

You can dial 101, the non emergency line to log incidents I think. You needn’t have to let him know about it, or call them out necessarily but I think that you can do this. Some of the other women may be able to confirm on here.

I hope that your GP gets in contact soon too as you can log with them regularly too.

It can take time to get through the the National DA helpline, I gave you Samaritans so that you have a back up number to try if you need to talk. It would be worth using the directory to search for your local Domestic Abuse services and try to contact them too. Obviously I realise this is easier said that done if he is there and that you need to choose times when it is safe to call etc.

Soulsearcher

[Lotus20]

Hi Soulsearcher

Thanks again for your support. It has been very difficult.
I was talking to my advisor when something else came up as I was opening up. This concerns our baby and she called the police on my behalf. They came two men asking me questions, and of course I’m already scared and stressed and lots my own memory and could not oriant myself.
Anyway when I wanted him to be removed, they asked him and he said that he has the same concerns around me, meaning can’t leave me alone with the baby. I can’t belive he is pushing my psychological bounderies and then tell the police that he has the same concerns and he wants to be with our child. I can’t belive that the police beleived this.
They even asked if I want to have a chat with him in front of them and of course I thought yes, but didn’t consider the fact that how he can put his charming mask, so that was it. Everything is good again. The police left and I was feeling stressed and alone and I feel betrayed from the people that iasked for their help. But I only blame myself.
I can not believe myself and I’m scared. I’m allefy thorn apart, caring for him, wanting to trust him but deep inside I can not trust him.

Once agina thank you.

[Anonymous]

Oh Lotus20, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I have to say that in my experience, female officers are so much better at dealing with domestic abuse victims.

I can’t believe they asked if you wanted a chat with him! It seems as though they have made your situation worse, not better.

Can I suggest you speak to Women’s Aid again and tell them what has happened?

Don’t get put off of leaving by this one single episode; you can do this.

[Lotus20]

Hi losrforever

Thank you for your support. I definitely feel worst than before. I have been alarmed and stressed by him and he has pushed me to my limits and then instead of getting support I felt I was left with a lable that I am the one who is not feeling well and need to take a break. It seems takht they can manipulate the police. I also have my own anxiety with authority figures specially the police and can you imagine that they sent 2 police man and him in the house making me defending myself. It was an horror and I just blame myself for not being able to speak up and to clarify things and not being able to just say what is and not be able to show them the through.
I fee very confused and manipulated.
I did call my GP again and I really hope some kind of service and help and hear my voice.
One other problem I have is that it seems that I still care about him and some parts of me wanys to belive that he can change. But every time I tried to open up and to keep things together, specially to keep the family together, he used whatever I said against me, either accusing himself for what he has done, promising things are going to change or accusing me that it was a reaction to me
I need help from professional who can see the situation clearer and go underneath the mask and see things in the context.

I am going to hang on there to get some professional help, but do feel worried, strssed, tired and betrayed, angry and confused. You can see so much happening.

Thanks a lot for your support.

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