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Hi,
I left(Detail removed by Moderator)ago, since then he has moved on with someone else pretty quickly, moved cities to be with her and now living together.
I looked on his social media and they seem to be going strong and I don’t understand why. It makes me feel so sad. What if he has changed? Behaving better for her? What if it was all in my head and it was me that was the problem. I feel so low and can’t seem to get these thoughts out of my head. -
Hi, abusers never change. Once an abuser always an abuser. All that’s happening is the honeymoon phase which won’t last long. Then she will be doing everything she can to get that phase back. Sadly this was just a huge act to hook her in. I know if won’t feel like it now but you have had a lucky escape. Never look on social media. Tell friends and family that you don’t wish to know what he’s doing. Any contact is toxic and triggering. I can promise you nothing has changed with him. He’s just changed tactic but she will be in your shoes before long. They are emotional vampires who thrive off distress of others. They move on very quickly because they don’t know how to form healthy attachments. It’s all about their own selfish need to control and bully. Concentrate on your own recovery. Reading about abuse and the effect helped me get my head round it. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. (Detail removed by Moderator) It’s not you. It was never you. The pain will pass. It’s like a drug addiction. That’s the trauma bonding. I was with my abuser for decades and I getting stronger each day. Baby steps and keep posting x
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Thank you. I’m just questioning myself all the time. Wondering if it was abuse. He wanted things to move very quickly with me which felt uncomfortable, was quite jealous and possessive. I began to stop doing the things I liked because I didn’t want to upset him. We argued about silly things. He grabbed my clothing and threw my jacket across the room. He also grabbed my arms and shouted in my face. I was scared of him but worry I made him feel really stressed. He was stressed at work and he has left the job now to be with her. So he might be happier. He just said he wanted to be loved and felt like I didn’t. He was very kind and supportive and great fun to be around too. It’s difficult to know. Thank you for your response. It’s nice to get some reassurance.
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The speed with which he secured you and then replaced you is typical of an abuser. They work quickly because they aren’t building real, deep relationships.
He probably already has his eye on his next victim. They need backup because they absolutely cannot be alone; they can’t bear their own company!
Flower x
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Hi feeling sad, ive been with my husband for decades. Ive only recently been able to put a name to what hes been doing to me in all that time. I can’t even bring myself to say it never mind write it. I hate labelling people, ive tried to make allowances for his behaviour for years. I’m actually having conversations in my head now with his ex, trying to get answers to what i already in my heart know is the truth. My husband is an abuser, he abuses my trust in him, he’s abused my love for him, he feels justified in putting his actions above mine. The difficult thing to accept is how our nice, lovely, charming partner can have such a dark side to him! Im ‘lucky’ that I’m no longer in love or even love him. But i still can’t leave. WE are becoming toxic. He’s turning around how hes made me feel as if it’s me doing it to him. You’ve made a big step reaching out to us on here. Some of the ladies have such great advice, some of us give us the boot up the backside we need to wake up and see what’s in front of us.
I guess I’m still trying to deny the truth, not ready to give up on us, but he won’t change, he doesnt know how to. Something in childhood made him this way in order to protect him. He chooses to behave the way he does, why because we are brought up to be good girls, dont rock the boat. I found reading a lot of previous posts helpful and also unhelpful to. But the thing that gets me through, it’s that there is a common thread through EVERY post. Abuse of power and needing to control us.
It’s s..t having to realise what we’ve been shown is a lie. Im still not sure if it’s subconscious or conscious on their level.
But i can promise you this, once the scales start to fall from your eyes, his behaviour becomes less and less acceptable. Be strong, we have each other.
Welcome and keep learning. Information is power.IWMB 💕💕
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IWMB. The dark side you refer to is the real him. The charming side is the mask he wears to keep you hooked in. They have no empathy, no moral compass, no compassion and are selfish and single minded beyond belief.
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Hi kip, I’m just realising my husband has no morals at all. He’s kind and compassionate when he’s wanting something or people are around. He thinks nothing of trashing people’s property, tells me about it too 😪. If it’s not tied down its mine kind of mentality. I have so much i know about him, but with no proof there be no point telling the police. My word against his, I’d be afraid id come across as a spiteful abused women, making up stuff. Maybe i should start keeping note of what he does, where and when illegally too 😉
Hope your doing well xx
IWMB 💕💕
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