27th August 2023 at 9:59 pm #161290
Please tell me others have gone through this! I am currently in the process of making plans to leave, but I feel so sick when I think about what I’m doing. He’s acting differently with the kids the last few weeks, seems patient and very little shouting. Even with me, he seems kinder. In my head I know this is him manipulating me, but I can’t help but feel angry that actually he can manage to be nice. I feel sick I’m taking his kids away. I don’t want anything from him, he can have the house, and I definitely don’t want his money, all I want is for him to not make his contact with the kids difficult, which will never happen. I also hate this limbo stage. I’m awaiting housing, and no idea when something suitable will come up. I want to keep distant, but it just seems to make him nicer. If I go back to being ‘normal’ I would hope he will return to his normal. For the first time I’m almost wishing he would have a blow up so I can say I’m done. Leaving whist he is being nice is so hard, and I guess as I’m writing this he probably knows that. Is he happy he’s worn me down, and that’s why he is being good with the kids, or is he wanting to show me he can be nice. Am I being manipulated. Am I overthinking everything. I guess if I’m honest I don’t think I deserve a different house, and the support I’m getting is overwhelming. I keep thinking something is going to happen and I’m going to be stuck here. He will deny abuse, and I can’t imagine people believing me over him.
28th August 2023 at 4:20 am #161297Better-daysParticipant
I totally understand everything you’re feeling. Although well done for getting so far and waiting housing it takes such bravery. I’m currently stuck in my relationship some days iv got one foot out the door other days the door just seems so far away. The reason your feeling of guilt are so strong is because you are a nice person who validated other people’s feelings but unfortunately our partners don’t they can hurt us to the core and feel nothing. I wish you luck with getting a house this is the hardest thing you will ever do but you will get there. X*x
28th August 2023 at 10:03 am #161302
Hi, i just wanted to say that I hear you. I’m in the same situation and the guilt is making me feel sick. It’s really hard but you can do this!
If you have noted down what he’s done to you, take some time to read it over. I have one thing in my head that I play over and over again when he is being nice or guilt tripping me.
Remember why you decided to do this and try to stay strong.
Do you really believe you can have a long term happy life together?
Sending you strength and hugs. Please take time to be nice to yourself. Have a cup of tea or coffee and a moment to also think about something else. You will feel better for it!
28th August 2023 at 6:31 pm #161308
Thank you GlassHalf and Betterdays. I’m just finding the guilt overwhelming, he has no clue, well I think he has guessed something has shifted in me, but I struggle to eat or sleep, all that is going through my mind is why is he being so reasonable at the moment. When I have freedom within touching distance and now he seems happier and settled. This is worse than the anger as I question if this is the right thing, but I completely agree glasshalf, we are never going to have a long happy life, and I will always regret not leaving when I have the chance.
I hope we can all give each other strength to get find happiness. X*x
28th August 2023 at 8:17 pm #161312
Yes, we can give each other strength! The nice, calm times simply don’t make up for the horrible times.
One piece of advice I’ve been given is : stop thinking about him and think about you. It’s hard to do that when we’ve been conditioned to put the other person first.
I realised also that i didn’t want to act because i was scared of how he would react. That in itself if so telling. That is not a life we should be living.
I don’t know if this resonates but I want you to know you are not alone. I know this is really hard. You are not being selfish. You are looking out for yourself, which you are totally right to do.
Protect yourself. Put yourself first. You have permission to do this. You will be happier for it. X*x
28th August 2023 at 8:18 pm #161313
Ps. If you can get counselling, it could be helpful for you.
28th August 2023 at 9:03 pm #161318
Hi GlassHalf. That is good advice. And so true. We have spent many years putting them first, pampering to them and trying so hard to keep them happy and it’s never enough. Days are dictated by what mood they are in, big events often ruined as they can’t be bothered. I’m constantly intervening early with the kids if they are doing something that might annoy him. I have absolutely no idea who I am, what sort of mother I am, as everything I do is dictated by him. Counselling if definitely something I will look into once I’ve left.
Have you made plans to leave? I hate we are both in the same situation, but it’s comforting to know we’re not alone. I just feel exhausted today, and the dread of what is coming is overwhelming. I just keep reminding myself, I’m leaving for me, what contact he chooses to have with the kids is up to him, and how he spends that time is up to him. I will hate every moment the kids are away from me, but I’m hoping as they get older they will realise why I did it. I hope you are doing ok. X*x
29th August 2023 at 7:14 am #161322Better-daysParticipant
I tried to leave before by telling him, this went awful he threw a bin at me was screaming in my face I go and leave the kids. The hardest part is having the kids involved in this. Someone on here told me you don’t leave an abusive relationship you escape it. They’re no reasoning with my partner. And like u I’m worried about the kids cooparenting ect.
28th August 2023 at 11:15 pm #161319BananaboatParticipant
Yes I remember that stage well, if you have any old posts or a journal read it to remind yourself of the bad times. Also look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Throw in some trauma bonding and a good mix of him using tactics to keep you hooked too. Stay strong, he hasn’t changed he’s just playing, if you stay it won’t get any better xx
30th August 2023 at 12:16 am #161345
Bananaboat, thank you!! I took your advice and I wrote down some of my recollections of instances in the past, and I carry the notebook around with me. I know I have some episodes that stay with me more than others, but I’m finding it hard to remember the more frequent little things. I remember sobbing uncontrollably a couple of months ago, but I cannot remember what happened, or how it was resolved. I am sure he slapped me because I went to hug him and he said no, but I wish I’d realised that even though it didn’t happen in a fight it’s still abuse. I was too scared before to write things down in case he found it, and he would deny it all anyway so I’d feel confused. I’m just having a bad few days, thinking about walking away from the family home, what I should take. How will access to the kids work. How long will it take for a house to come up. I’m waiting for a lot of appointments and confirmation from solicitors, it just feels a lot at the moment. I did a lot of crying last week, this week I just feel numb. Normally this is how I feel after one of our ‘arguments’ and after me apologising and begging for a few days he eventually hugs me and I feel like I can breathe again. Now I don’t have, or more like I don’t want that comfort. Putting on an act 24/7 is hard and I have no idea how much longer I have to go. I worry about him having the kids, as I know he’ll want to punish me for leaving, it’s just hard. I want to look forward to a future with my kids without the restrictions we have now, but I’m so worried to be hopeful in case something happens and I just can’t go through with it.
Thank you again for your post, reading up on the FOG and trauma bonding definitely brought home what I’m feeling. Xx
30th August 2023 at 8:30 pm #161366GalabeeeParticipant
Oh I hear you and relate to so much of what you say , the feeling sick , the confusion, the waiting, the “hang on he’s being ‘nice’………..what is this??????”
the replacement of feeling like you can breathe after an argument to then feeling like you are somehow “faking” things until you are out.
I don’t have many words but you are absolutely not alone .
Take care, reach out where you can too – have you had a chance to chat/ phone women’s aid? they have been very very helpful
23rd September 2023 at 9:26 am #161910StrongLifeParticipant
Stress/medical issues are not uncommon in leaving. It gets better in time. It’s difficult time. Do you have a trusted dr? Plus domestic violence counselling. Try a number of counsellors if first one does not suit.
Please be safe
24th September 2023 at 8:54 pm #161949
Galabeee, how are you getting on? I am very lucky I have a support worker from woman’s aid who is helping me navigate everything. Unfortunately he lost his job due to his aggression and now he is home 24/7, and although not quite questioning everything I do, seems to be suspicious of me. Whilst at the moment I am managing as the kids are at home, I do worry about how it will be when they go back to school. The small jabs at me are reoccurring now, but he’s still being so nice to the kids, and I find that harder as they will miss him more now when I finally get away. How can I keep up the momentum to go when I have to be around him all the time. It’s clear I’m being manipulated, as he seems to be ignoring a lot of things I do that never would have been ignored before. All I want is for him to loose his temper so I can see it’s been an act.
StrongLife, thank you. It’s reassuring to know it gets better. Thankfully I have a great GP, who has added in some extra medication to help me, I am now on 3 different types of Antidepressants just to get through the days, and I’m still jumpy. I feel like I’m in a constant state of alert, always making sure I have my keys close in case I need to get away. However now everything is just more difficult as even going for an appointment I have to make an excuse and I’ve never lied before for fear of the consequences. Now I feel like I’m sneaky and lying all the time and it makes me question if I am the abuser. I’ve never spoken badly about him as I wanted to protect him, but now explaining his behaviour is hard as I keep thinking he’s going to find out and I will be in huge trouble. Xx
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