Feeling sick to my stomach

[iwillbeok]

I saw his response to divorce petition. He’s twisted it all around and acusing me of abuse, gas-lighting, of being controlling and fabticating the rape allegations so I could ‘play the victim’. And just like I’m back to square one. Wondering if it was all me?! Am I kust deluding myself?

And the gut churning, heart pounding feelings are all back! I was able to talk to a lovely lady on WA number and while I was talking it all made sense again. But now I’m alone again the thoughts keep swirling and I feel so lost again.

I’m shaking like a leaf. I cant stop crying. I’m hungry but I can’t eat – I’ll throw up.

I have support but I feel so, so alone… I’ve got so used to decades of pushing the feelings under and hiding from the world that I don’t know that I could start a conversation with my friends…

In years past I used to imagine in the middle of the night just walking out into the snowy fields, and just keep walking, as long as I could and no-one finding me for days. But by then the misery would be all over… I don’t want to harm myself now but I almost wish I had back then.

Iwillbeok. I will. I will. I will… but when?

[Good samaritan]

I often imagine just driving off and never stopping just so my life can feel as though it is moving forward from the past. I bet I’m not alone in wishing we all knew when we would be OK again. My abuser also told me and the police and anyone else that would listen to him that I was the abusive one but when he was on the phone to me after I had broke down to a mutual acquaintance he would ask if he was really that bad. I hope you find some contentment and the haze lifts for you soon so that you can refocus and enjoy life again x*x

[iwillbeok]

Thank you Good Samaritan,
I’m feeling a little bit calmer after talking with a good friend.

His words just blindsided me. Being no contact for so long and feeling so much better about myself then to be hit with the accusations and vitriol. Such hatred. I could hear his voice again. Its like a sticky, slime that is difficult to shake off.

I am going to do my best to get some sleep.

Thanks again for your kind words x

Iwillbeok

[Good samaritan]

I can completely understand. I had moved on from my ex and was loving life working and having no contact when I plucked up the courage to end the relationship. Then out of the blue one of his most vicious lies ever completely blind sided me and brought my world crashing down. He has turned the tables and made me feel like the abuser and a criminal which has left me incarcerated in my head because the police facilitated him by issuing a harassment warning against me with no investigation. I don’t know who I am most frustrated with my ex the police or his new girlfriend that assisted him with his most recent psychological attack. So glad you could get some perspective again xx

[Freedomfighter]

Hi I willibeok
I can empathise with your post, I’m going through the same thing at the moment.
It is so hard hearing them twisting everything and rewriting history, making out they are the victims and had to put up with so much etc.
I write everything down that he says and then write my version underneath.
I used to think that he just couldn’t handle the truth and what he’d said and done, couldn’t admit he was in the wrong, he’d have to apologise and accept responsibility for himself. I thought he was a weak man who was always trying to act like the boss, but really felt insecure.
I’m starting to realise that he isn’t, he believes he is justified in treating me any way he chooses because I’m his wife, his belonging. He thinks he’s entitled to teach me to be the wife he thinks he wants. The end justifies the means.
He says nice loving and supportive things whilst stabbing me in the back, believing I deserve it for betraying him.
It’s very hard, really scary at times seeing what he’s capable of. I’m divorcing him for the sake of our sons as much as for myself. It gives me the courage to keep going, keep forging ahead step by step.
Stay strong and positive. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. Don’t give up now you’ve come this far.
Keep talking to Women’s aid and posting here. Maybe try writing down the reasons you are leaving somewhere safe and keep reading it when he makes you doubt yourself.
They have to blame us for everything because they can’t handle blame, can’t have blemishes in their faultless characters, have to be seen as perfect and hide behind their mask of lies.
I wish you luck, stay strong and believe in yourself. You know what happened deep down, you lived through it and survived. You will survive this too. It’s a tough ride but we can do this. We can be free. We deserve to be treated with respect and be safe and happy.
Together and with support we can be free of their abuse
Hugs and best wishes

[iwillbeok]

Urgh that’s awful GS! I was initially supported by the police then sorely let down by the next lot. Thankfully my can’t-be-soon-enough-ex husband has not tried anything like. Though he claims in his vitriolic rant this is to avoid giving me any further ammunition in my false accusations!

[iwillbeok]

Hi FreedomFighter,

After reading his retort I printed it and began to ‘correct’ in red pen. It is now covered in circles and arrows to words like ‘bull****’, no!, never did.

In the cold light of insomnia I have processed some more and a few truths are becoming clear.

I think your statement

I used to think that he just couldn’t handle the truth and what he’d said and done, couldn’t admit he was in the wrong, he’d have to apologise and accept responsibility for himself. I thought he was a weak man who was always trying to act like the boss, but really felt insecure.
I’m starting to realise that he isn’t, he believes he is justified in treating me any way he chooses because I’m his wife, his belonging. He thinks he’s entitled to teach me to be the wife he thinks he wants. The end justifies the means.

is absolutely spot on. I guess a small part of me, the one that hung on for 10s of years, hoped that there might be even a glimmer of remorse. But his statement shows that he feels totally justfied in his treatment of me. And that hurts. That he really was this dysfunctional, evil monster, not a lost soul I could ever help.

The issue I think is that mixed in with his version of events are elements of truth – I did lie, I did try and cover up my errors, I did ignored problems in a vain hope that they would magically go away. But this came from a place of fear. Fear not of external consequences but fear of him. Coming home each day, walking into a room with him in it was like walking into the principles office!

I’ve learnt since leaving him to trust my gut. And my gut, while reading his statement was shrieking at me the same as it when I had him arrested This is not right!

I had best attempt sleep again,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and support.

Nite nite, iwillbeok X

[MsTaken]

Hi iwillbeok, I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. After reading your posts this morning I feel like I’m in exactly the same situation. For years I was made to believe I was abusing him. I was scared to death of sleeping in the same bed as my ex. Sex would always leave me bruised bleeding and a crying wreck. Everytime I said I didn’t want to but everytime he’d force himself on me and tell me I don’t love him enough and I should prove my love by performing better. For over a decade I thought it was my fault because I wasn’t loving him like a wife was supposed to be. Obviously over time his accusations got worse. He stood in front of his mother and told her I’d been hitting him, I was absolutely shocked at this lie but for some reason I couldn’t defend myself, I just stood there and said “what???” What he was saying just didn’t make sense and instead of fighting my corner I was left thinking “did I do that?”. He was so angry all the time and I felt so bad for it being my fault. And yes I found myself lying too. The lies I told were just to save myself in that moment, they were not well thought out or clever, so when he proved me wrong or I’d forgotten what I’d said it gave him more ammunition to say I was abusing him again. By the time I left him I hated myself. My family stayed away from me. I had no friends. And my children would call me awful names just like he did. I truly believed I deserved it all. Years and years after leaving him I’m only just getting myself together. He tells the children I was abusive and manipulative and I ruined his life and sometimes I start to believe it again. It is really hard. I’ve lost everything and he’s still got his life and career and family. He tells everyone he’s got PTSD but after being diagnosed with it myself I can see he shows no symptoms at all. He just plays the victim Infront of everyone but I struggle to open up about my experiences so it always looks like he’s worse off. I do feel like I’m slowly getting better but it is a very slow process. I hope one day we are able to ignore these men. You are not alone hunny

[iwillbeok]

Hi MsTaken, thank you for your support and kind words. I am sorry to hear you have faced similar to me. I hear you on the accusations that are juat a ‘What??!?’ reaction. And there was nothing I could say – silence was an admission of guilt, likewise if I reacted he had supposedly touched a nerve so it must be true! No win situation.

I was going to say this is my ex playing the victim but I think he actually believes his own BS. It fits in so well with his mysoginism, blamelessness and superiority complex.

Take care,

Xx iwillbeok

[KIP.]

My advice would be to concentrate on getting a divorce. Not on his utter nonsense designed to hurt you further. You could reply that you absolutely deny all of his allegations but your main concern is getting divorced so for the purposes of the divorce you will not contest his response. Although I instigated the separation and divorce proceedings it was actully himmthat divorced me. I don’t care what the paperwork says. I’m free of him. Just play the legal game to get rid of him as quickly and cheaply as possible. Writing backwards and forwards trading blows is costly and toxic. And he will be having the time of his life. Enjoying every minute.

[iwillbeok]

KIP you are amazing! You are so right. I am not interested in exchanging toxic c**p with this man. He will not see. Nothing I say will make a difference – it didnt in decades of marriage that’s not suddenly going to change now! I just want to be done. To move on with my life!

Xx iwillbeok

[MsTaken]

My ex was the same during the process of arranging contact for my children. He bombarded my solicitors with accusations about my mental health, the people I exposed my kids too, how I treated the kids, lies about what id done in the past… my solicitor was great and told me to ignore everything and just state this was only for arranging custody for the kids. The things he put were awful and made me look like the worst person in the world. In the end I had said nothing and the courts were not interested in what he had said and I was awarded custody. Now I have my kids and a big file of solicitors letters that prove what an awful man he is. Next I’m going for my divorce and like kip said, I’ll probably just agree to anything just to be rid of him as I know he’s going to put loads of rubbish on there anyway lol

[Freedomfighter]

Hi.
I agree it’s totally pointless arguing with these men. They will never accept responsibility for any wrongdoing, just use the opportunity to cause us more pain.
At the end of the day you know they are all lies. Even when they have a grain of truth to them they twist and contort the truth until it’s unrecognisable- lies!
They will never admit that, but you and anyone who knows you well will know it’s just vicious BS.
I have found over the years that ignoring him or just giving him one of my
Pfft! Looks- with the tiniest hint of a smile and continue what I’m doing upsets him far more than any words I could say, plus I don’t have to feel guilty about saying nasty things back to him.
The best thing you can do is divorce him as fast as possible and make a success of your life.
They believe we can’t survive without them, depend on them completely and are hopeless fools. Let’s show them we can not only survive (we’ve been doing that for years), but we can also thrive and become the strong independent women we would have been if we hadn’t met them. United we can forge better lives for ourselves and surround ourselves with a strong network of decent human beings!
Love and hugs. Keep fighting 😊

[iwillbeok]

I can’t wipe the smile from my face! I’ve had so much great support on here and in real life. I feel so strong. His words while they hurt at the time have not laid me back low to the point I was a year ago (though they may hurt when I read them again). But for now they have fanned the flames of my strength. They have shown me that I was right! I was there and I know what happened. I believe my story and I trust my gut. I’m free and I’m safe.

Any remnant of a hint of ‘perhaps he’s sorry’, any tiny thought of maybe I misread/was too sensitive/ was my fault are gone. I really and truly feel what I’ve been telling myself for a long time now – that I no longer care what he thinks, feels or does (only how those may impact my children). He can go jump.

😁😁😁

Bless you all. Xx iwillbeok

Ps I reserve the right to fall in a heap, cry and scream at the next hurdle, but then to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. I know its not going to be plainsailing from here on in but I’m going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts!

[MsTaken]

I love that! Haha! Well done you x

[KIP.]

Isn’t it good when you can see right through them. When they can’t hurt us they way they used to. When all their nonsense lies and fabrications become crystal clear. You have cleared a major hurdle. Yes, you may trip and fall again but you don’t have a nasty abuser holding you down or pushing you back down. The playing field becomes even and after a while you will actually have the upper hand because these abusers are so arrogant, they cannot help themselves. The pathological lies they tell often trip them up because they cannot remember what lies they previously told. Such is their determination to discredit us at any cost. I found from one letter to the next he contradicted himself. Proving he was a liar. Try to just sit back and enjoy the show x

[Good samaritan]

KIP you are so right. In all the communications between myself and ex and myself and his new gf you can see the lies and contradictions in plain sight. That’s why he tried to steel my phone. Now I have had no more contact from them and had support from some great people on here and elsewhere things are becoming far more clear. The haze is lifting I’m concentrating better and take comfort in knowing I did absolutely nothing wrong. No matter how bad he treat me I remained faithful and I never rung that woman. I was loving my job too much to even return his advances when he saw I was enjoying my job. He didn’t like it when I defended myself and made contact with his new girlfriend because he knew I always told the truth as he knew I felt ashamed about lying when he forced me to claim benefits and also keeping it away from my family about his passed conviction. He took advantage of everything about me my kindness, my vulnerabilities, my consciousness about my body image. Guilt tripping me into having sex with him even when I was ill or tired. He made it feel like a chore there was never any romance or caring came from him. Even after the truth had come out about his affairs which he admitted to me a week later he tried to make out he had never confessed to me. I look at the conversations on occasions just to remind me why I ended the relationship. He turned me into his slave and a prisoner in my own home and my own head. I’m breaking the shackles in stages though and can feel my confidence levels rising again now. I know it’s going to be a long road but each day is getting better. I know now I don’t ever want him back in my life.

[iwillbeok]

So, I have re-read his response in an analytical manner, trying to put to one side the emotional reaction it flairs up in me. The struggle I have is my reaction to some of the true accusations je makes of my behaviour. In saying ‘well, if I was so abusive you could have done x, y or z’ could I just sound exactly like someone saying ‘well you could have just left him’ to me?

I know that the very fact that I am looking closely at my behaviours and regrets on how I handled things, while he denies any wrongdoing shows me that I wasn’t the abusive one. I’m still struggling with my misdemeanors and laying all the blame at his feet. I hate the term cognitive disonance as this was one of his favourite terms when he was doing one of his word-salad lectures – but I know that’s what it is on a logical level.

I am feeling very angry and indignant about what he wrote but still very confused how to argue my point (not with anyone but with him in my head) and him just swiping away any argument with how I didn’t do the right thing… I’m not making much sense.

It’s like I feel I need a single summing up statement that would convince anyone that he was abusive. But its all so much more complicated and convoluted and ebb and flow and subtle digs and seemingly inocuous (and some not so subtle) ohrases. Its so much about tone, entitlement, atmosphere and expectation. The egg shells. The self editing. All the things he is accusing me of. Its a right brain f**t!

It always seems to come back to he sexually controlled me, he raped me, therefore I can justify to myself that he would not have felt that entitlement, that belief that he could break me if not for all the years and years of conditioning. He denies the rapes, he therefore denies the abuse that led up to that point, and lays the blame all squarely at my feet. I’m rambling again – not making any sense.

Things are so much clearer but at the same time, there still seems to be a blind spot. A what if? What if I got it wrong – and it was his reaction to my abuse of him?

Sigh… so much still to work through.

Xx iwillbeok

[KIP.]

Arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon. Even when they lose, they will knock the pieces over sh*t on the board and strut about like they’ve won. They are pathological liars. There is no point in engaging with him. It will just give him fuel. You can be the most articulate person in the world, write the best response in the world but he’s just going to rubbish it and justify his behaviour with lies in the most outrageous way. Completely trampling your response that’s if he even bothers to read it. My ex didn’t address many points I made. He just ignored them and moved the spotlight back onto my so called behaviour. It’s pointless, time and energy and financially consuming. Don’t waste your time trying to disprove his lies. I know it’s frustrating but his lies mean nothing. Empty words designed to rile you and trigger you and keep him in your head. He’s just another abusers trying to justify his despicable behaviour.

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