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    • #131649
      roadtohealing
      Participant

      Hi, I have just returned from (detail removed by moderator) and I feel so alone.

      My son moved out over (detail removed by moderator) ago to start uni, and during this time he has been of no help whatsoever. A (detail removed by moderator) before my son was due to move out, my son and I were involved in a road accident, and since then I have been going back and forth with insurance companies and garages trying to get my car fixed and back on the road. When the accident happened He didn’t even ask if either one of us were alright, despite it being quite a big accident.

      My son’s friends and my family helped us move my son to uni while He stood back and did nothing apart from criticise everything I did and brought for my son.. He has not once even bothered to even (detail removed by moderator) let alone actually visit the town he will be studying and living in, not even wanted to see his room.

      Today I saw so many mum’s and dad’s moving in their children, carrying their belongings, and there’s me by myself as a single parent when in actual fact I’m not one.. There is absolutely nothing wrong or negative about being a single mum, but I am married yet I am living like a single parent, I’m in limbo all the time not knowing who I am or what I am. I have all the negatives of being in relationship but non of the positives aspects of being inn a relationship with someone.

      I fought back the tears on the drive back in my (detail removed by moderator), I felt so empty with nothing to look forward to, my son was the only one in this house that bothered talking to me, only he made me feel worthy, my heart is aching so much right now that it’s almost like physical pain..

      I’m sorry for sounding so glum and sad, but I just felt the need to put down my feeling here as I’m often too ashamed to share these thoughts with my family, and over the years I have become so isolated I have hardly any friends left to talk to.

      These last (detail removed by moderator) have been a big change in my life, I am learning to adapt to living without my son at home, I’m coping with an empty nest, I walk pass my son’s empty bedroom, his photos around the house, I still see his snacks in the kitchen cupboard, his drinks in the fridge, all this and more is so hard for me, and not once has he asked me how I feel.

      On top of the years and years of verbal abuse, I am now seeing how cold and heartless He is and I feel so scared for the future. My son was my anchor, my strength and now he has gone I feel so broken. I am so proud, happy and excited for my son and would never tell him how heart broken I am because that would be so selfish of me, but facing the empty nest is hard enough I would imagine for those in a loving, caring relationship, let alone for someone like me in a shame of a marriage. Everything just seems so much harder when on top of all the other issues life throws at you, you have to deal with someone who is heartless towards you when all you’ve ever wanted was to be loved and raise a family and be happy like everyone else around you.

      I keep thinking of past memories, happy moments with my son as a way with coping with my loneliness, I go for long walks, I practice meditation and yoga, I’m trying as best I can to get threw each day as it comes, all I can hope for is to find some inner strength to make positive changes in my life, how or when I don’t know, until then I’ll just keep myself going as best I can, and posting here too will I’m sure be of help to me. Thanks for reading my post.

    • #131656
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey, now your son has flown the nest and is becoming independent it’s now your time to Find your wings too. You owe this abusive man nothing. Show your son that you too can find happiness and freedom, talk to your local women’s aid. Get some legal advice. Looking to this man for happiness will never work and you are not responsible for his actions. You can’t change him but you can change yourself. Take some baby steps and gather support around you. Taking baby steps away from abuse x

    • #131677
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi roadtohealing,

      Bear with me on this, it will have a point…

      I grew up in a loving home with two parents. I had a wonderful childhood, never witnessed any violence between my parents, but they did split up a few times and get back together again during that time.
      As soon as I became an adult and was working full time my mum left. At the time she was a middle aged woman. She just upped and left one day when I was at work and she rang me that night to explain that she’d gone, that she still loved me, would still see me, but she was not happy and had not been for a long time and she’d only stayed for my sake and was waiting until I was an adult to leave. She had nowhere to go in particular, she’d not met anyone else, she still loved my dad, but she just couldn’t ‘do it’ any more.

      It took her over a year before she got a home of her own. I was able to visit her where she was staying. I saw her become a different woman – a stronger and happy woman who started living her life to the full. She didn’t meet another man for years, she just reconnected with female friends and had SAGA holidays and joined singles groups. I stayed at home with my dad for many years until I moved out to buy my own house.

      It saddened me in some way that my mum had stayed in a dead relationship for years just for my sake. She’d tried to leave him so many times when I was young but they always got back together because I was a child. It turns out there was mental and emotional abuse but I’d been protected from it all by her.

      My mum was so brave. She walked away from our family home with nothing and she went on to have an amazing life. She taught me so much. Little did I know that one day I’d follow in her footsteps and have to do the same thing when I got in to an abusive relationship. I don’t regret leaving either.

      Your son has flown the nest to start his future life. You can do the same now too.

      • #131701
        roadtohealing
        Participant

        Hi Wants To Help,

        Everything you have written here has really made me think, pretty much what I already know but I just don’t have the courage to do.. But your last sentence, really got to me, it really made me emotional because when we were driving around my (detail removed by moderator) and surrounding outskirts I was looking at the lovely country side, the new surroundings, the new life awaiting my son, and without realising I said out loud, (detail removed by moderator)  This was met by an awkward moment by those in the car with me at the time, but it was just something that came out of my mouth without even thinking..

        So yes you’re right, it certainly is time for me to flee the nest just like my son, I only wish I was brave enough to do so..

        Thank you for your post, take care.

    • #131686
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      My oldest has just left and i feel so alone without him so I know how you feel.
      I will never ever leave well i cant see how i can leave whilst my ither 2 are at home.
      To me now i am growing learning fighting and maybe even planning on when my 2 at home are old enough to leave Maybe just maybe i will too.
      I dont want to be here living this life but I cant go yet until my kids are sorted with thwir lives. What Im trying to say is Now is your time now you need to concentrate on you just you.
      Be safe but be strong your son will support you he will now he is an adult. You really do need to now think hard about what you want and fighter harder than ever before to get it.
      You got this sweetie xxxxx

      • #131688
        KIP.
        Participant

        Be careful of staying in an abusive relationship with your children. It affects them too and can destroy their future. They learn from the abusive parent and are far more likely be abused in later life. My son learned and sided with my abuser and on and on it goes x lead by example and show them nobody should be allowed to abuse them. It’s okay to walk away from abuse. Abusing the mother is child abuse and it stunts the growth of children. Talk to women’s aid x

      • #131694
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @kip Thank you x

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