feeling so alone

[terribleheadspace]

I am struggling with honey moon period, was so strong in my resolve to leave.
Now I’m back all confused again.
Even in the honey moon period he says things out of turn, but cos they are so subtle I’m brushing them under the carpet- I know this.
I just dont know why my feelings have to come flooding back again.
Why am I so vulnerable to this.
I’m worried those in support of me will get upset with me for not leaving and being back in a state of confusion instead of strong resolve.
I’m tired of feeling stuck in this, stuck between my emotions, head and safety- I feel like whichever way I look it’s painful.
I honestly dont know how to get out of this situation mentally.
I just really dont understand why I cannot get rid of these feelings… Why is it so hard.
Ironically if I wasnt scared I’m sure I would have ended it long before now, but fear kept me in, now feelings growing again.
Does anyone know any information on why abusers abuse?

[Hawthorn]

Hi there,

So sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. The honeymoon phase is so difficult and painful when you become aware of what it truly is; the means an abuser uses to keep us trapped in the abusive relationship. In my mind it’s nearly worse than the bad phases as it proves its not that they can’t control themselves or don’t know how to treat us well- it’s that they choose not to. They will be just nice enough (no more) to make us question ourselves enough to stay.

We don’t leave an abusive relationship- we escape it. Our brains crave what’s normal to them and fear change, even if that normal is abuse, and change would mean safety…and our bodies become addicted to the hormonal surges of the highs and lows caused by living in fear. And so escape is like breaking a drug addiction.

Your feelings are normal, but try to listen to your head. You are aware you are frightened of him. Loving him won’t make him change or make you safe. Try to be gentle with yourself, yes leaving will be painful, but gives you an opportunity for a happy ending…staying is also painful as it means more of the same and the sad thing is abuse almost always gets worse, not better.

As to why abusers abuse; because they can. They feel entitled to have their needs met and crave power and control over their partners- not a reciprocal relationship. Imagine living in a world where you were never wrong or made a mistake, where everything that went wrong in your life was the fault of someone else. What possible motivation would you have to change? Those are the beliefs held by those who abuse others, and the reason why they almost never change. If you haventvread Lundy Bancrofts Why Does He Do That I can’t recommend it highly enough. Its available to read for free online.

Reach out to women’s aid and your gp for specialist support if you haven’t already. The confusion you feel is a normal response to being abused. Sending a big hug xx

[terribleheadspace]

Hi Thank you

I read a sample of why does he do that. Where can I find the whole book to read for free?

[Author]

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