Feeling so alone

[wildgeese]

I feel so alone.

When you are in a codependent relationship, you are so used to living for him, to make them happy. You are so used to living for them and now I am living for myself for the first time. I feel frozen. I do not know what my next step should be. I feel so anxious with no family support, I’m in a new area because I left and so I have no one to lean on or get help from. I’m just realizing how much I am on my own. And it scares me and makes me very sad.

I’m just so afraid that I can’t do this. Life. Because I’ve been so badly hurt by family and my long-term abusive marriage, I feel like I haven’t got what it takes now to live happily. I feel too damaged.

Because I’m totally on my own, I’ve got no one to concentrate on. In the past I have always focused on the needs of someone else. With my ex, I always focused on how I can make him happy… but now it’s just me. For some reason, it doesn’t feel enough that I can live just for me. It feels so much easier to live for someone else. Even though I got hurt in the process, at least I didn’t have to examine myself too closely, because it was all about them.

When I look at myself now, all I see is a big emptiness. Like there’s nothing there. And that is very frightening.
So all I can do is focus on all of my physical symptoms.

I feel like I need other people’s approval that I’ve done the right thing in leaving. I’m finding life so difficult, it feels like all I want is people to remind me that I made the right choice. I don’t know what there is now. I feel like I kept myself going this whole time, moving area, made it till Christmas, but now I don’t know what life there is. I’m continuing my volunteering, doing exercise…but I don’t know what life is anymore. It feels so scary.

I think I’m having to face my biggest fear: being alone. In the past, if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I was always dreaming or hoping to meet the next one. Whereas now, I don’t want to meet anyone. Which is so strange.

I’m exhausted.

I’d like to hear if anyone else has been through anything like this since leaving. I don’t need any solutions, I’d just like to know if other people have been through this and got to the other side.

[Babyface@]

Yeh this is normal there is a huge void. Its very different when an abusive relationship ends to when it’s a healthy one. They intentionally leave us isolated and without support its anxiety provioking. What you’ve done is brave. What you did was the right thing. It took me about (detail removed by Moderator) years to feel better. Then I met someone else and fell into the same trap! So I guess being vulnerable still we can choose to quickly. I hind sight maybe it’s best to be alone I’m not sure it does get better though with time its been (detail removed by Moderator) years for me and I’d say I’m over him xx

[wildgeese]

Yes I agree it’s a huge void, really it is. I was heartened to hear that you are now over your ex.
It seems that I need to be patient and not just expect things to get better quickly. Thanks for reaching out.

[Allornothing]

It is very hard and it sounds like you are doing the right thing by volunteering as it is getting you out and meeting people. It is very hard to make conversation and chat to people that will bring any form of friendship, I honestly don’t remember how to make friends! But this has got to be better than the positions we were in.

I also have the need to feel justified in the actions I have taken, I think we end up doubting ourselves and feeling guilty when we did nothing wrong. We didn’t want any of this but by standing up for ourselves, educating ourselves we still feel alone. It’s a long road, but keep going and reach out to any support networks out there. I have recently been assigned a stalker advocate who is putting me in touch with a social prescriber – I’m not even sure what that is but I am willing to give anything a try. Unfortunately I need to leave my past life and some friends in the past, I need to find a new life just like you but we have to keep strong. Sending you lots of love xx

[wildgeese]

Thanks for these words.
I am sad that you are isolated too. It sounds like it’s hard for people in general after they have left abuse.
You sound strong and I hope this social prescribing helps you.
I have just been told about a new course for survivors in my area- a chance to get women who are isolated in touch with other. This made me happy! I shall go along and hopefully it will give me the chance to feel part of something. And also to be among people who get me. I think it’s so important for my healing.
Thanks for responding to my post.

[Miosotis]

Hi, I think that you are feeling the way many of us feel! I will also be leaving, no family at all in the UK, so I will be completely on my own. In this case I protected myself and my love for him is long gone, but in my last marriage I felt like you and I loved him for a very long time. I probably still do. I feel so damaged too and like you I don’t think that I will ever be able to build a long lasting, happy relationship, which is very sad, because we didn’t do anything wrong. I now suffer from Complex PTSD. But I know that once I am out of here and have started a new life that I will hopefully be OK and I hope you will too! I used to have my (detail removed by Moderator) to focus on, that is gone now, which is very sad, so I have turned into just a pensioner waiting for the end to come.

I recycle everything in my head, for fear of forgetting details and not being able to show what has happened here, especially to services that deal with abuse and which don’t really understand the damage psychological abuse does. Sad that these men are not made understand what they did… And they will probably do it again, like my husband, I am almost 100% sure did to his ex-wife. I am utterly exhausted too and I ask myself often why life had to be like this. I am a good person… but that wasn’t enough!

I hope you start to feel better soon, I hope we all will! Take care………….

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