Feeling so angry

[Sungirl]

For the past few days I have felt so angry. I know that this is part of the process and it is partly helping me to see my husbands true colours. I am trying to go non contact though and this is really hard. I almost called him the other day as I was so angry and upset by what he has done that I wanted to scream at him. I didn’t, but I did send a tx message. This never works out well though as he then replies with a long tx and I get more upset and angry as he shows no remorse or empathy. I know this but I keep falling back into this pattern. I just want him to own what he has done and show some care for what we need. He is ignoring me now, and my requests for him to leave the house. I know I need to just focus on myself and the kids but it’s so hard

[browneyedmum]

Big hugs Sungirl,

I’ve lived a long time with anger. I often use anger to fuel some of the very uncomfortable things that I need to do as well. Anger can be applied in positive ways, potentially. It can hone your attention and help make the bigger priorities stand out, if its focused in the right places. But then it can be very destructive too, if that energy isn’t pointed in directions that benefit your kids and benefit you. Reframe how to use your angry energy towards outcomes that your children will benefit from.

In your shoes, I wouldn’t expect to have many great responses from him, period. He won’t own what he’s done. I don’t know if anyone has recommended Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” — and it is available online for free if you know where to look … but that book has helped me understand his mindset. He’s not going to own it, and you might have to let that go to keep the kids and yourself safe alongside of better focusing where your energy needs to go.

Also in your shoes and a practice I have for myself is, recognising that every interaction that can be recorded via writing/typing, becomes evidence. So write your messages with that in mind. Let him be himself in responses, if he responds at all. If he doesn’t respond to reasonable requests, especially on behalf of the children, that becomes evidence too.

Document everything.

Sending you strength xX

[minimeerkat]

browneyedmum has given some good advice, especially regarding the noting everything down – even requests that are being ignored, especially if its concerning the children
i know how infuriating & frustrating it is when dealing with this type of person, learning the hard way that my responses to these feelings were the wrong ones. it was allowing someone to continue controlling me & giving them immense satisfaction with how i was responding
unbeknown to me at the time it was keeping the trauma bond going & just causing me more pain
and it was also giving them ‘evidence’ that i was actually a crazy & abusive person. so even when your emotions threaten to take over try & bear this in mind if you can
we have all wanted genuine apologies & admissions of accountability but unfortunately they are never ever going to admit responsibility or be to blame for their behaviour
hopefully you are in contact with your local da service to access their advice & support with how best to deal with this from now on. stay strong x

[Sungirl]

Thank you so much your relies are so appreciated I have got so much advice and support from this forum

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