Feeling so guilty

[foggyhere]

I’ve started to feel so guilty for the way I treated him. He witheld sex for 2 years, under the guise of not being able to, and when I found out this was not the case, he told me it was easier than saying he didn’t want anymore children, because my reaction to him saying that would have been too difficult for him.

Now, he’s right that I would have been very upset, given that we had shared a dream of life with several children. But I also would have understood, because he had been diagnosed with a life changing illness. One of the reasons I was so upset was I had agreed to move hundreds of miles to be near family and in an area very far from work for me, as this would support our plan of growing the family.

I was devasted at the way he’d done this. I said there must be something very wrong with our relationship if we couldn’t communicate about something so fundamental to a marriage. I begged and begged him to come to couples therapy, because I couldn’t find a way to ask him questions or explain how I felt without getting emotional and angry. He told me I was threatening him with rage, so we didn’t go. I told him I’d try so hard to forgive and move on.

Problem is I couldn’t. Every disagreement escalated into me raging and being highly emotional. I became very depressed. I ended up becoming overly dependent on him. None of this behaviour is pleasant, and I think it’s abusive. He clearly thought so too, because he tried to get me diagnosed as borderline – he recruited his family in this too, and at the same time drove a wedge between me and my family, claiming it was the fault of my parents that this had happened. He said that this was why he couldn’t tell me he no longer wanted kids. Maybe he really felt that – I am more argumentative than him (he cannot bear confrontation).

The therapy I received for borderline was extremely helpful in putting a stop to my behaviour – so much so the therapist wondered whether I really was borderline. She urged me to get him into couples therapy. We talked about me becoming less dependent on him, and he was advised on how to encourage this. He didn’t take that advice – it was more a case of drop everything on me at once, then when I got overwhelmed saying that I was not able to cope and that he felt really badly put upon.

I started to get better, I started a business, it was going really well. Every now and then I’d gently suggest couples therapy. He said he’d changed his mind about children. I told him I’d need to have a serious think – I wasn’t sure our relationship was one we should bring more children into.

Then he completely sabotaged my business by setting up his own, using my tax allowance so I’d have to pay higher rate on anything I warmt – a pretty strong demotivator. He took work hundreds of miles away, thereby cutting the amount of time I could work because of responsibility for our daughter. I asked for an au pair so I could work. He convinced me instead that we should have a housekeeper, because I wouldn’t cope on my own.

He walked out, just before Christmas. Now he’s showing little interest in our daughter – likes to see her once a fortnight and she adores him. But outside of that he’s really not bothered – given how I’m supposed to have been so bad at coping on my own, he’s not made a single check on her welfare, and he’s not interested in how she’s getting on at school or whether she’s coping well with the change. He’s bullying me with finances. I think it’s clear that his behaviour is abusive and it’s a very good thing indeed that he lost interest in me. I strongly suspect that he actually didn’t like it when I got better and started to assert my own opinion on the issue of children and whether I worked.

I cannot shake the feeling that I was really bad to him. I should be a lot more upset than I am that he’s gone. Is he the callous person that discarded me once I no longer fit his needs, or am I?

Wish I wouldn’t keep on getting stuck with this.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Well done for coping so well after he left, see u r so strong, we just dont realize how strong we r, i think after they leave we always ask our selves question was it me that caused his behaviour, i ask myself maybe i shouldnt of said no i dont love u any more, but hey he shouldnt of beat me up then i wouldn’t of needed to say it , they choose there behaviour and actions and use us an excuse that we provoked them, we reacted badly, well u know what it wasnt us, so u had emotional issues , that was prob cause of how he was treating u , again he made u think it was u, h ejnew u wanted kids and used that as your weakness, thx god hun u never had kids with him, my ex knew for long time i didnt want to be with him, was he desperate as hell to get me pregant with a third child, consttantly purposley having sex with me on and around my period to get me pregant, these men r just vile hun, dont feel guilty, he was trying to make u out to be wrong but u wasnt, reflecton how he treated u and ask yourself if that happened to some one else how would they of reacted, in abuse our emotional side is off balance but cause of abuse, wheni was in early stages of abuse id cry for what felt like no reason, but it was him playing a game with my mind, so dont feel bad hun , but do talk about your feelings so we can help u understand them , they use us like anything,

[foggyhere]

I do have the one kid with him. It was when we started trying for a second one that the trouble started.

[Savingmyself]

I did not like the person I became around my abuser but it was my fighting spirit and it all gets twisted with their abuse and then they want to make us out like it just all came from no where .. I don’t think so
It’s like it’s their goal to damaged us and then say we’re crazy
My ex is with a sweet quite girl now who is in denial not some one who is aware of his game playing and will stand up to him like me
He was abusive to me one night and when I saw a text he sent here he said I was going on crazy . And I ask him why he said it was me and it was him
I can’t remember the silly excuse he said to me but I knew he was setting me up as the abusive ex to her to hook her poor him and all long it was really poor me
Don’t feel guilty it was him not you
Big hugs xx

[Author]

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