16th July 2023 at 6:50 pm #159958AlwaysinthetubParticipant
It’s taken me months to strike up the courage to write this, but I’m so tired.
I’ve spent years blaming myself and my struggles with anxiety on my partners behaviour, but a recent exchange which happened in front of a colleague has me now questioning if what I am experiencing is abuse?
I have been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) years, we have children also.
I am constantly on edge and walking on eggshells in case I upset him, he has only ever been physically violent towards me twice around (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, but it’s how I feel mentally which is affecting me the most.
As I write this I am lay in the tub, silently crying because once again we have gone from normal conversation to me receiving the silent treatment, where I am left wondering what I have done wrong.
I work full time, I have a successful career, I have a child with additional needs, I am always complimented on my home and my children, yet my partner tells me endlessly that I am fat and lazy, and that I bring him down.
He repeatedly accuses me of being unfaithful or being secretive, none of which is true. For instance we were out shopping and a stranger (male) said good morning to me, I then spent the next hour being told I’m a s**g and an embarrassment.
The incident that has made me question everything happened when he called (detail removed by Moderator), I had gone to the loo and my colleague said that I had popped out. I called him straight back and he proceeded to scream down the phone at me, demanding to know where I had been, he was so loud that my friend heard this and she took the time to listen to me, I spoke about so many different incidents, it was like verbal diarrhoea, I couldn’t stop myself, and she stated that his behaviour is actually abusive, both emotionally and financially. I feel pathetic in asking for help, as there are people who really suffer violence, but I am at breaking point and finding it harder and harder to paint on a smile for the world, and I am now seriously questioning if it’s me and my mental health making me feel this way or my husband’s behaviour?
Any advice would be appreciated, as I feel so incredibly lonely in a world full of people x
16th July 2023 at 8:52 pm #159965BananaboatParticipant
Welcome to the forum, it sounds like you’re in the right place. We hide so much from family & friends that it can be a shock when others see what we actually deal with. I found Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’ so helpful. You can buy a copy or find free pdf versions online. It helped me see so much of my partner’s behaviour was abuse. Emotional, verbal, financial abuse are all as damaging. I also started keeping notes secretly and this helped me notice the patterns, as well as clearing that fog that I was somehow at fault when he flipped or I got the silent treatment. Read posts on here and you’ll probably recognise so many similar traits. Enjoy your bath, try to enjoy his silence and head to bed with a book or watch some telly tonight, nothing you say or do will bring him out of this mood right now so do you. There is hope, hang in there xx
18th July 2023 at 5:35 pm #159997AnonymousInactive
His behaviour is abuse and the emotional toll it can take on you is real x*x
15th October 2023 at 6:03 pm #162388AlwaysinthetubParticipant
Thank you for taking the time to respond, I am sorry it’s taken months to respond, things have gotten really bad and it’s left me in an incredibly dark place. I have realised that I don’t deserve to be treated like this anymore and I have followed the advice and started to secretly keep notes of behaviour xx
16th October 2023 at 2:53 pm #162406HappybelleParticipant
You absolutely do not deserve it at all. I need to read this book. I don’t understand why they are how they are. All I know is my blood pressure through the roof and I now have a dread going home to this behaviour. My heart rate increases on my drive home and that’s not healthy. Hope you’re alright x
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