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Hi everyone,
This is my first post, I’ve just discovered this forum. Sending love to all of you, first of all, because it’s awful to be eligible to be a member of the forum at all.
I split up from my ex partner this year, after trying for a few months. I didn’t really realise just how abusive the relationship was while I was in it… I feel so stupid for that. He was an alcoholic and an addict, emotionally and sexually abusive. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, my anxiety was sky high constantly, waiting for him to kick off and blame me for everything, and play the victim. He managed to twist everything I said so that it was my fault and used family issues to guilt trip me and manipulate me into backing down. He was suspicious and jealous, and lied about absolutely everything. I felt like I was going mad a lot of the time, because he would be awful and abusive, and then suddenly be lovely and apologetic and promise things would change. Then he’d flip again and be back at square one. He sexually abused me on at least three specific occasions and raped me when I had passed out at least once (that I know of.)
When I ended the relationship he obsessively harassed me and stalked me, to the point I’m constantly checking outside my house and I’m scared to walk near his house or be out after dark near mine. There is a police case against him currently, but he hasn’t be brought in for an interview as yet. He isn’t aware that I’ve reported him and he’s just living his life the way he wants to right now, while I’m dealing with having giving video evidence and all the emotions that go with the situation. I’m SO angry at him, I hate him so much, and I’m so incredibly lonely. I feel trapped by it all, it’s weighing down so heavily, and I don’t see any way to escape it. Sorry, this is such a ramble but I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and it’s eating away at me.
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Hi, what you’re feeling is all such a common reaction to abuse. Can you talk to your GP about therapy. Also your local women’s aid and victim support are great support organisations. Well done for reporting him to the police. Many of these men are serial abusers so you may well find there are other victims. Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas is a good book to read. Meantime be kind to yourself and take baby steps. One day at a time. You will get through this x
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Hello, I want to reiterate KIP, all that you feel is completely understandable having had the experience you describe. Reporting him takes huge courage, perhaps reaching out to your local DA charity or speaking to the National DA helpline can also validate your emotions and relieve some loneliness.
Take care, sending love xx -
Hi alchemistmoon,
I’m glad you’ve found this forum and well done for reporting him to the police. Have you reported the sexual abuse to the police too or just the post-separation harassment and stalking? I’m a bit concerned that with what you have posted on here that they are not treating this as a higher risk case and actively looking to make an arrest. What was the outcome of your risk assessment?
The police should have asked for your consent to refer you to the local DA services to contact you. This may take a bit longer over the Christmas holiday period, but you can also reach out to them yourself. This is specific help for stalking and harassment too if you search it online.
If you are living in fear at the moment call the officer investigating your case and ask for an update. If they are on their days off you may get fobbed off with waiting for them to come back on duty, but if one more incident of harassment, stalking or violence occurs then call 999 straight away and ask for the arrest process to be escalated.
xx
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Thank you so much for your replies all of you, I really appreciate them.
Yes, I reported the sexual abuse as well, but they’ve deemed it of a level that they’re going to invite him to a voluntary interview, but I don’t know when that will happen. I have been told to call 999 if he turns up at my house, which I have done once, but sadly he had left before the police arrived.
I was referred to WA when I made the initial report but I stupidly didn’t engage with them when they tried to contact me – I think I was still in denial and not yet come to terms with the reality of the situation. I know I should contact them now but I haven’t been able to push myself to take that step.
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Hello there as same again says they really do come out of the same mould! Power to you AM you have called time and set your boundary every time he steps over it put another one up it was the best advice I was given on leaving. A non Molestation order through the civil court the other best advice I was given. It’s really hard but you have come so far – it’s hard and you deserve support please reach out once more for support – the police not always the best at that… Try women’s aid? GP? Victim support? We are all here as well x
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