Feeling so lonely

[colouringinfairy]

I haven’t felt this down for a while…just feel so sad and lonely. My best friend whom I live with is now in a relationship and it sounds bitter but I just hate hearing about it and seeing them flaunt it in my face (I know that’s not what they are intending but it’s how it feels). Somehow she always manages to find a nice boyfriend, and I have just spent so many years of my life loving someone who didn’t even exist. Yet I miss him. My dreams have upped the ante and every time I close my eyes I dream about him. Even if it’s just a nap. I know it’s trauma bonding etc, logically I get it. But emotionally and mentally this is draining, exhausting, heart breaking and soul destroying.

I feel so empty. I don’t know how much longer I can carry on. It’s been years of loving him and being unable to move on. I so want to feel love for someone else, to connect with someone else. Surely I deserve that right? Maybe I don’t. I’m so tired. I just want to go home and cry.

Sorry to just unload on you ladies, I just needed to tell someone how awful I feel.

[Liquorice]

You dont sound bitter at all, that must be very hard to live around another couple. Big hug, hope it helps a little xx

[Yellowflower]

I can really relate to how you feel. You are happy for your friend of course you are but it’s so hard at the same time to see love all around you. Like you i believed my ex was everything the one I’d been looking for. These men sure hook us in. Please don’t be hard on yourself you’ve gone through such a traumatic experience and need to be kind to youself. Of course you are worthy of love and when the times right it will fall into place. You need to build yourself up first. Know your self worth and know what your boundaries are moving forward. Those good guys I believe are out there. I’m sure you know people who have fantastic partners not all men can be bad. But also remember that what you see from the outside isn’t always what it’s like at home. We know that only too well. I know how much it hurts to miss someone this much. I try to write lists of things that come into my head that he has done to hurt me. It’s taken me months to remember it all I think I blocked a lot out. Whenever I feel that pull I look at them and they are all the reasons not to go back to him. I deserve love and so do you one day it will come. We all deserve someone to adore us as we do them. Keep going one baby step at a time and be kind to yours self❤️

[colouringinfairy]

Thanks ladies. It is just so hard. I was meant to be going to an event with my best friend this weekend and now her boyfriend is coming too. So I said I will go to my parents instead and was honest with her why – she was really sad and begged me to come too, said they both want me there (which for some reason makes me feel worse). I feel so bad bailing on her just because I don’t want to be around a couple, but I’m doing anything I can to protect my own mental and emotional health, and it’s just making me feel so depressed. I just want to feel happy again, and I miss the companionship. I miss him so much but I know he is awful. I always listen to voice notes I sent my friends throughout our relationship where I sound so hurt and in so much pain, so it helps banish thoughts of a reconciliation but it’s all just too much sometimes especially with a court case looming over me 🙁

Why do we have to go through this and they just carry on with their lives like nothing has happened? It’s so unfair.

[Lisa]

Hi Colouringinfairy

I can see you have already had supportive replies but just wanted to show you some support.

It sounds like you have done the right thing in being honest with your friend. It is more important for you to look after yourself and not to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

It’s good that you are posting about your feelings around this. Please consider speaking to your GP, Samaritans and the helpline for support.

It will take time to heal but you will feel happy again.

Take care

Lisa

[Author]

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