5th March 2016 at 3:32 pm #10994
I’m so easily triggered at the moment that I’m not reading many posts, and for that I apologise!
Just trying to get through each day is hard enough right now, and I often relate to the posts in the wrong way, for instance when someone is being encouraged to go no contact I find myself triggered by that, because I feel people are going no contact on me! Something triggered me last night and I’ve been feeling agitated ever since. I can’t even imagine being the person I used to be – when I picture all the things I did at work, and having friends who loved me. It all seems like a mirage. I’m trying to forget the happiest year of my life because it now destroys me to remember it, when for the last year it’s been the only thing that kept me going!
I’m also finding the more I am isolated, the more my hard work is being undone. I came through everything feeling ready to try new things, excited to take a leap of faith into a new life, but found myself alone and without the opportunities to do these things. I’ve noticed over the last couple of days I am starting to converse with my abusers again because I am so lonely. I am giving them more opportunities to get to me, and starting to take their opinions on board again. It’s hard not to when I have nothing outside of this!
I feel like a complete fraud because I believed in myself and manage to cut out the abusers words and opinions only because I had people in my life that showed me I was loved for who I was! For them to now be acting so out of character, to reject me – takes away everything that gave me my new beliefs, and reinforces that my abusers were also right, that I am not someone who will ever have a normal life.
I also have to turn down the holiday I was awarded as the deadline for claiming it is very fast approaching, but I have no one to go away with and it no longer feels like an achievement or a chance at independence. Now I can’t even have two days off work in a row without feeling extremely lonely and starting to abuse myself with negative self talk! So there’s not a chance I could manage my first ever holiday alone. It no longer represents what it did when I won it.
I was asked out by someone at my new workplace, and it flattered me at the time (I turned him down) but thinking about it since I’ve realised I can’t handle letting people into my life anymore. I can’t imagine texting someone, confiding in someone, telling someone how my day went when I had all that and it was all suddenly snatched away without explanation while I was dealing with homelessness, bullying and abuse. I honestly believe I will never trust again.
I worked so hard and everything seemed so achievable, but the longer I am isolated the less I feel able to go on. Warmer, brighter days starting to appear are just making my feelings of isolation worse. I go to work, I go to the gym and then I sit alone at home. What a pointless existence.
Sorry, feeling sorry for myself today!
5th March 2016 at 5:45 pm #10998AnonymousInactive
Feeling lonely is the worst, you’re probably having an anti-climax moment after building up and finding so much strength to leave the abuse. Try and be kind to yourself and remember that when anything bad starts to get better it quite often gets worse first. Maybe you need some support to not be alone with this- you might need some extra help to get over this transition- counselling or antidepressants if you’re struggling with feeling low. Could you have a chat with your GP? You’ve got through the hardest part of finding the courage to leave and you can always look back and see the strength you found, this difficult time will eventually become a story of something you over came and that taught you something. If you can face going on the holiday it might be a really good opportunity to create some happy memories and be a real boost, I don’t want to encourage you to go if it feels like the wrong thing or if you might be depressed as you don’t want to find yourself far away from home and suddenly in a crisis emotionally. Keep posting here where people understand what you’re going through.
5th March 2016 at 9:32 pm #11008martian29Participant
Hi Alone, I can associate with your feelings fully. Am I right in thinking it was your family and friends who were abusing you from the old forum? I have been were you are. I had to leave my family home as there was so much abuse in my family. My siblings were favoured over me. It seemed there was nothing I could say or do that would please them. I was bullied at work at the same time. Thankfully relationships have improved greatly with my family as I have grown older. I hope things will get better for you too with your family in the future
I understand fully that feeling of isolation and self-doubt you mention when I finally left. At that time, most of the friends I had were in relationships or getting married. They seemed to fall away one by one until I was left with nobody. I wondered if it was me. I now know years later, that they just felt uncomfortable about my situation and were too busy living their own lives, trying to establish themselves and find their place in the world. Not that it is an excuse. A really true loyal friend would stick by you whatever.
You have come so far and been so strong. If I could give you a hug and pat you on the back, I would. I really hope you find some friends who are more loyal and understanding. Things will get better, just hang in there. Next time you get asked out, why not accept? You may be surprised how much more happier you could be. We all have to take a risk of being rejected or hurt when we accept a date or make a new friend. You have to give people a chance. X*X
5th March 2016 at 10:42 pm #11012AyannaParticipant
Do not let this pull you down! You achieved so much!
Try to enjoy being free from the abusers!
I never feel lonely. I am so glad that I have a quiet home where nobody disturbs me and I can do anything I want whenever I want.
When I want company I go to the pub.
For the summer I already booked some festival visits. I live in an area with great cafes and restaurants to go to, that also have music events. I always ensure that I have something to look forward to.
I never want to talk to those people again who said they were my friends. They are abusers too and I kicked them out of my life for good. There is no return to old habits.
My job keeps me very busy. Even when I am off work I need to do things for work. This is probably good because I do not have much time to dwell on things.
I am always on my own and I do not feel that I want to change that. I have changed a lot due to the abuse and I seem disconnected from emotions for myself. I do not mind anymore that I am like this now. Life is also possible that way.
6th March 2016 at 2:05 pm #11036missgiddypantsParticipant
Alone I know how you feel ,I stayed with my abuser as I not want to be on my own ,hated it before I met him so just took all the c**p he gave me until he left me for someone else ,then I couldn’t think straight couldn’t stand the emptiness I felt ,I had to move as He wanted the house sold ,the stress of that was unbearable ,but I’ve made a life for myself ,twice been away on holidays with a well known coach company first to Spain then to Italy ,was good as I talked to people so was never on my own ,as I have 2 dogs it’s expensive putting them in kennels and with the single room supp can make a hol very expensive so I bought myself a small camper van and go off away in it whenever I can ,in fact just been away only 1 night as I work late ev** and early mo** so can only go on a Sat ,when I’m away I am by myself but as I am surrounded by other people it doesn’t seem so bad ,a lady I word only the other week I wish I had the guts to do what you do ,and I have never stopped to think about it just got on with my life ,of course there are meddlers that think I should be with someone but they don’t know what I’ve been through it’s my life not theirs so difficult as it is and at times I just sit and cry I feel so lonely I cope the best I can
12th March 2016 at 11:54 am #11321
Sorry for my delay getting back here, I am working six days a week atm and absolutely exhausted. The few hours I do sleep still bring nightmares with them, and atm most of those nightmares are apocalyptic. The world is always ending, and I’m always running for my life and trying to save others. It’s hard work, working all day and then saving the world at night! At this stage of exhaustion I’m just happy if I turn up to the right job in the right uniform! (I have two jobs, if that was confusing lol)
Thank you for the replies, the first responder it says ‘anonymous’ so I’m not sure what name to use, but I don’t have a GP at the moment. When I started getting bullied at work, I went there seeking practical help, and whilst there I revealed the abuse at home for the first time too and I wasn’t believed. He said things like “you pay your family rent??” in a disbelieving, judgemental tone and wouldn’t give me the letter I needed for my employer. I received a call a few days later that made it clear he thought I was fantasising worst case scenarios that would never happen. Well they did happen, I became homeless for a bit! He just wouldn’t believe that there is abuse in families, and that someone going through that could be getting bullied at work also. So I am never going back there. I am planning to register with a new GP at some point but I haven’t had a chance to look into them.
Thanks Martian. Yes it is my family that were (are!) abusing me. My friends, in particular my best friend, did stick by me for a long time. He offered a lot more support than I ever expected anyone to, and it was only when he had things going on himself that he started to pull away from me. I tried to offer him support, but he wouldn’t accept it. Perhaps because he knew I had my own stuff going on, I don’t know. But it was as I was starting to attend meetings and look into resolutions for my situation that he suddenly disappeared without a word. He never knew I dealing with it all, I was trying to do it alone secretly so I could surprise people with good news. I know I messed up in some ways, for instance I went through a period where I felt I had to answer every single one of his texts within five minutes. So I would rush replies, which meant they lacked my personality and cheekiness, and of course instant replies to someone puts a pressure on them. It took me a little while to realise what I was doing, and I started to space out replies and really think about them, even if that meant taking days. And as my whole life was falling apart, I was so scared of losing my best friends as well that I kept telling them how much they meant to me. I know people don’t need to hear it all the time, but I was suffering being abused everywhere, and at that point I knew I was about to become homeless and I was trying to hide that from my friends. I have admitted and apologised for mistakes in a letter, but I have also realised now that I am human and with everything I had going on (I am shocked when I take the time to sit and list them!) I couldn’t have been expected to be myself. That wasn’t fair.
Being asked out made me realise I haven’t come as far as I thought I had, I really can’t face anyone trying to get to know me. Once I got through the meetings and everything I was excited to discover who I am, and I thought I was going to do that with friends, to try new things and find my likes and dislikes. Now that I’m completely alone it’s more difficult. Now instead of focusing on moving forward, I am having to shuffle forward, whilst trying to get over the new upset of abandonment and dealing with the PTSD it’s left me with. I felt quite creeped out by the way he chased me (literally ran after me) and he didn’t attempt to get to know me or have a full conversation first, so it’s just not for me.
Thank you Ayanna. I’m not fully free of abusers, I still live with them, but I have my own room/space now, when before I lived in the corner of a storage room. I’m mostly free of the bullying at work because I don’t care as much as I did before, but he still tries. I’m just not taking any of his nonsense and put him firmly back in his place if he does say something! I’m finding it so hard to adapt to being alone, the way my life is really isn’t what I want from it. I have two jobs and unfortunately they don’t keep me very busy. Before the bully demoted me, like you, I was constantly working, even at home for no pay. But now I dislike both jobs and find them both so easy that I am constantly in my own head thinking all the time, which is the last thing I want. I keep getting put to work alone because I am good at managing things, but it just means more isolation for me! I’m waiting for news about my upcoming redundancy, and once I have all the facts I am hoping to work out the steps to take to end up in a job I do want.
Hi missgiddypants. Yes I agree it’s brave to go away and do things alone, it’s far too easy for people to make excuses when they don’t have someone to go away with! People never know what has happened with others, or how they feel or how things affect them so their ‘helpful’ comments aren’t as helpful as they think. People may tell you that you should be with someone, but you know what is right for you! I’m definitely going to lose the holiday I was awarded, I literally have days to book it and won’t be doing so. I am working every day and don’t have a day off until the deadline passes, and I really do not want my first holiday ever to be all alone. As the first poster said, I fear it would leave me vulnerable in a strange place. I’m thinking I might write to the charity and explain things to them, I doubt they’ll offer me an extension, but I guess I lose nothing by writing to them.
12th March 2016 at 9:42 pm #11372SerenityParticipant
Is there anything that you would like to do that would really make you feel alive? Something that even those you know wouldn’t be particularly passionate about, but which really encapsulates you and would make you feel like you are being the authentic you?
I was lying in the bath today ( I do my best thinking in the bath! ) and suddenly the idea of horticulture and flower arranging came into my head.
Some people might think that very uninteresting, and I’ve never done anything like that, but one thing that has kept me going- and it might sound a little weird- is keeping the house with three or four healthy plants dotted about.
Choosing the pretty plant, seeing its beauty, placing it in a special place, watering and caring for it and having that little bit of beautiful nature inside the house has moved me more than I can say. I always loved gardening, but not engaged greatly with it of late due to other stresses, but nurturing plants and getting my hands covered in fresh mud makes me as happy as, well, a pig in mud!
Is there any wild and wacky thing that you would just adore to do?
I think by radically doing something to be the true us will move us on leaps and bounds. Enough of questioning ourselves or being scared about fitting in.
Doing something to stop you thinking so much,something you can get ‘lost’ in, may be therapeutic for you. It needn’t be far or too big a group. Something that doesn’t stress you out too much.
When we are truly ourselves and happy,we attract the right people.Xxxx
12th March 2016 at 10:13 pm #11378SerenityParticipant
PS I was sent into a panicky spin this week when I was ‘accosted’ by someone who made a move on me. I literally felt sick and shaky. So I am where you are with that.
We’ve got a lot of healing to do ourselves before we can think of trusting and giving out to others romantically, it seems!
18th March 2016 at 11:57 am #11780
Hi Serenity, I’m the same, I call my bath the problem solving bath tub lol. Many times at university I would be stuck on an assignment, take a bath and suddenly answers would flood into my brain. Works with life problems too sometimes 😉
I’m trying to do something just for me, that’s why I started going to the gym. Unfortunately it is an outdoor free gym as I can’t afford a gym membership, so there is very limited equipment there. I am trying to build up to running again but it’s taking a while as I can’t go to the gym daily anymore. I also need to find money for new trainers and clothes suitable for running.
There’s so much I want to do – I want to work out storage and organise my new room (currently have everything on the floor), I want to lose more weight then work out what style of clothing I like, I want to try everything that I’ve never been allowed to do/try. It just all costs money, which I don’t have atm and is all tied in to memories and promises made by people who are no longer in my life, so not the escape I’d like it to be.
When I was truly myself was the time I met those who ended up giving up on me. I will never forgive myself for losing them. I’m trying to learn to become and accept being a loner, I don’t ever want to go through this pain again.
18th March 2016 at 3:09 pm #11785missgiddypantsParticipant
hi ALONE hope you are ok feel for you as I’m like you not like being alone that’s why I stayed with my abuser ,try looking at the deals LIDL do when they have offers on running stuff and try charity shops
for some new clothes BBC are currently doing a shop well for less programme at the moment and they get some nice things from charity shops ,
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