- This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by
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Wasn’t sure where to post this but decided positivity rules!
If I was facing this a few years ago without my newly developed resilience I’d be crying and down. But I’m not. It’s getting to me but it’s not ruling my life and I’m annoyed and cross but I’m not frightened.
How as it taken me this long to realise he wasn’t as intelligent or organised as he led us all to believe?
I’m still in the throws of final settlement details despite separation and divorce having been quite a few years ago, and there are still a few loose financial ends to tie up. It will mean I have to pay him something but I knew that ages and ages ago, I’ve got the money set aside and it’s growing nicely in a savings account.
I’ve been waiting for the bill. And waiting. And waiting. But it’s never come so I wondered if I was mistaken – maybe there was no more to pay?
Wrong. There’s no bill as he has omitted to carry out the process to present me with it. Now it seems that’s my fault! How can that be? Man logic:
1. Because I didn’t tell him that something had been sorted (…. didn’t he notice the legal forms his solicitor got him to sign and he had copies of????? ) 2. I should have done this process not him (….. why? Not my problem but his – and actually I did try on his behalf but I can’t… see letter from Joe Bloggs on x/x/xx – as proof it states clearly he need to do this not me)
3. Why didn’t I send him x, y and z? (…… duh… they were sent way back in time I didn’t know he’d need them again and guess what no one ever asked me for them a second time – why would they? People usually keep important things safely. I can find my copies in 30 seconds flat).
And so it goes on….
When we were together he was always saying “where’s my….?” have you seen my..? ” usually they were where he’d put them last and I usually knew as I’d seen them. He never bothered to look. Eventually it turned to a nasty “where have you put my… ” what have you done with…. ” that got my back up and he had the “I haven’t seen it, sorry. Where did you have it last. Have you tried looking where you usually put it? ” I knew full well where it was – he just couldn’t be bothered to look. Same thing now.
Now it’s evolved into exchanges such as
Him: “You haven’t answered question 4 on my email.”
Me: “Sorry it wasn’t clear to you. Please see line 3 and refer to previously attached document 2, page 3, paragraph 8”
OMG this bloke until recently was doing a job where people’s safety relied on the process he was in charge of!!!!
I can’t believe he’s failed on this task too now and feels he can now push the blame onto me. Funny thing is I’ve got emails and solicitors letters from him relating to it from a few years back so I know he’s had all the inf, been made aware of the process and there’s even a statement to say he was “doing it” back then.
He can’t cope on his own. Mr Big and Powerful, Mr Superorgsnised, Mr Cleverclogs. Guess what mate? It was me all along who was the powerhouse of our partnership not you, you mean, miserable useless man. I just want to tell him to grow a pair!
He’s not changed one bit. Still nasty. Still vindictive. Still a lier. I’ve changed though. I’m me now, not what he wanted me to be. My emails to him are factual. Short. Bland and incredibly polite (sickly sweetly nauseingly polite). He’s had his first warning from me about the tone of his. They get sent to the email address I set up just for him can’t bear his toxic missives in my usual inbox!
I’ve been no contact for ages but my solicitor knows he’ll cost me 100s possibly 1000s if all messages and emails from him go to her so she’s there in the background being supportive on the cheap. He’s hating it but the only way I’ll allow her to act for me is if it’s through his solicitor and he’s running out of those due to his pig headedness and rudeness, and he won’t use any of his money to pay one so it’s stale mate unless he does it my way.
Will he get the message that harassment and derogatory comments are not aporopriate? I doubt it! If not he’ll just get reported – again. Police – again. Why can’t he learn I’m not going to be beaten. I’ve got this. I’m fine. I’m a survivor and I will not be intimidated by him. I will not allow abuse to define me.
So put that in your self righteous pipe and smoke it!Loving life again. If you’re reading this early after realising you’re in an abusive relationship, believe me it really does get better and you’ll feel stronger in the future so hang on in there xxxx
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Thanks so much for this. I’m in the middle of trying to get out and sometimes hard to see light at the end of the tunnel… this helps today!
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Your post did make me chuckle at certain points, LONC.
Yes, they do need to grow a pair. They pretend they are so powerful and so much better than us, but we were the backbone. We were the solid basis of the relationship. It was they who fed off us.
As a friend of mine once put it ( I’ve quoted this before): “You’ll do so much better without that strangulating weed.”
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I posted this 6 weeks ago. Nothing’s progressed. Not one thing. He’s still not done what he’s meant to. He’s still mithering on about how he didn’t know about needing to do it…. how he’d never been told he had to do it (funny that as it was in (Detail removed by Moderator) he signed)… how I must have the paperwork he needs. Yep and that’s the same paperwork he’s been sent previously – twice. Can he really need it 3 tims? I’m not sending it again I’ve hhstvtold him date and time of last email with it and if he’s deleted it well tough!
I’m getting just a little bit bored now. Toying with the thought of court to get the loose ends sorted – at least that way I’ll get to see the end of this and from what my solicitor has said the number of letters she’s sent and the number of emails chasing him up the likelihood is judge will not be amused and just force him to comply in a very short space of time and may get him to cover my costs. Trouble is that would mean raking through old emails full of abusive comments in order to provide the evidence of his failure to comply and probably being in same room as him. But it would also show the contradictions (lies) in his statements as he’s let things slip that have been denied or not disclosed previously.
The question is could I maintain my tough controlled attitude when he’ll have the opportunity to throw his poisoned words at me yet again? I’m not entirely sure I can. His behaviour to friends and family has been atrocious recently and he’s using the specific contact we need to have to try to get thus sorted as an opportunity to hurl abuse at me, and threaten me, which he thinks will weaken me and that I’ll give in and do what he wants not what’s legally correct. Actually all its doing is making me frustrated at his sheer stupidity and angry that I’m still having to remain polite in all correspondence. I’d love to play him at his own games and tell him where to stick his demands. Uuurgghhh.
I’m still feeling strong. I’ve not cried once (heaven knows how I avoided that!)
(Detail removed by Moderator)
I’m sure I’ll be back on this thread again. It would be good if it was just to say it’s all sorted but I doubt it! -
You could threaten him with court and tell him he will be paying costs. Give him a deadline. I hate having to go through old correspondence and I know it’s triggering but if it’s one final time to end all contact then dig deep. You’re much stronger now and it would be good to finish with the upper hand on your terms. Take back the control.
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I agree KIP. I feel I still have control as I’m falling back on legal process and count order all the tine whereas he’s dragging his heels.
(Detail removed by Moderator) Now stuck again. He’s like a teenager with a school assignment. Needs constant prodding and cajoling, a few good hard kicks up the backside and the threat of a detention before he does the work!! His school report: “Could do better. Needs to listen in class in order to understand the tasks. Still needs to work on his ability to listen to the opinion of others and show respect to all but particularly to those in authority. Progress this term continues to fall below class average”.
An ultimatum has been given, with a deadline that is rapidly approaching so it looks as if my weekend will be sent sifting through old emails and documents and printing off evidence of his failure to progress (and his ongoing abuse!). I think I need another printer cartridge…….
Is there any guidance available on line of process? I don’t really want to be forking out on more solicitors fees than needed. -
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Agree with kip.ring rights for women. Look on line. You sound like you have all the paperwork you need.
Why do you feel it’s your job to sort anything out. If he hasn’t pursued his money why not just leave it. Tell him he has had all the paperwork twice and not your problem.
I have done court both ways with solicitors and witbout towards the endcwhwn I knew all his tricks and wasn’t intimidated by his superior intelligence and had realized he wasn’t too bright. (Court detail removed by moderator).
O read a book called splitting about how to handle high conflict exes in court.
I don’t know what yours is like but Mine was so arrogant and felt so superior intellectually to me he didn’t bother to prepare or bring or read court orders.
(Court detail removed by moderator).
My experience is if you feel strong enough use solicitor for advice. Keep it cheap. Again why do you feel you need to do anything? Not your problem. Is it because you want to finish things off? Is it because it’s stressing you out. Just my opinion. I would say please refer to all previous comms. This is in your hands. I will await your solicitor. Let him waste time getting his own b****y paperwork. Let him waste his money on solicitor. I would not be helping him anymore. Is this not just another way to harass and upset you. I think you are stronger than you know.
When I beat him in court without a solicitor I felt b****y great. Like facing your lifetime bully and thinking why was I scared of that fool x*x good luck x
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