3rd April 2016 at 8:51 pm #12895
I am fine for a few days ,then I have days where all I want to do is cry because I still feel so much hurt. My chest feels tight and aches constant like proper heartache. I loved my ex so much . It is so hard trying to stay positive because it’s been months and this feeling has not got better. Is it trauma bonding because how can you love Someone who hates you. I have read so many books on this but I am so confused
3rd April 2016 at 9:16 pm #12901AyannaParticipant
I am away from him longer and I had no sad feelings of getting rid of him for a very long time.
Such sad days only started to occur a few weeks ago.
I wrote down pages and pages of how he behaved towards me and what he did. When I have an attack of sadness I take my writing and read in it. The result is that this sad feeling stops immediately and I appreciate that he is out of my life for good. He was the love of my life once.
Maybe it could help you too to write down why you left him? x*x
3rd April 2016 at 10:09 pm #12913NemoParticipant
Great advice Ayanna 👍
I do a similar thing to Ayanna, whenever I feel sad about the loss of the ‘idea’ of our marriage I picture in my head the worst thing he ever did, and I immediately feel better that I am now nowhere near this man.
Often the idea of him and your relationship together is harder to grieve than the actual reality of him and what was your relationship together.
Maybe even try to do some work on differentiating between the two if you feel able to…
Sending you hugs ❤
4th April 2016 at 1:09 am #12933Escaped not freeParticipant
I totally sympathise. I feel tearful daily and anxious and panicky about the man I know in my head didn’t exist but my heart still believes he does. I too have a list but it’s like looking at two different men, the monster and the soul mate. I went to my doctor who has prescribed diazepam in the short term I mostly take half the dose he suggested when it gets overwhelming and it does help take the edge off. The feeling doesn’t go but physically you don’t fall to pieces because of it….maybe this could help a little. I’m not really a believer in mess but I couldn’t go on like I was. I’m hoping it passes and I don’t end up on antidepressants. But if I need to then I guess you have to do what gets you through. Talk to your gp. Sending you a hug because I know you need it and I understand how you miss the hug from the pretence of the nice guy that never really was. X*x
4th April 2016 at 1:14 am #12934Escaped not freeParticipant
Do u ever just wish u could lock him in a room, give him some kind of magic truth serum and ask why he said all the things he did to make you love him, why he did make you feel like a princess but then why he took it away. I would desperately live to know why. Is it genuine mental instability or is it just badness? Did I make love and give all my heart and hope and future dreams to pure evil? Why did he want it from me if I so clearly didn’t measure up in any way at all? X
4th April 2016 at 8:59 am #12957
I do feel like I want answers but I know that will never happen. He said I am only person he has ever treated badly because he doesn’t like me , his nice to everyone else but not me he said every week to me for years . I just put up with it , I use to shut myself off around him but I would still do anything he asked and then have a good cry when he wasn’t around because he would hurt me if he see me crying. Nothing is helping me at the moment. I still feel like his The only man who can make me feel better but I know it would only be a few hours fix that’s it!! He has seriously messed me up mentally. I’ve been to the doctors weekly but she just tells me it will get better x*x
4th April 2016 at 9:18 am #12960SerenityParticipant
We gave these men too much credit. We believed their initial lies. We projected all our hopes and dreams on to them and believed they were quality men.
The painful truth is, they aren’t who we hoped they were. They are much more shallow, selfish, msnipukative and immoral than we initially believed.
The beauty wasn’t in them. It was in our own minds. The beautiful thoughts were ours. The wonderful dreams and hopes and ambitions were ours.
It all came from our own inner beauty. It was a reflection of our purity and wonderful outlook.
It wasn’t a reflection of who they were.They aren’t ‘all that.’
Though it feels like he is now, because he managed to get I sure your heart and mind and even soul through his varied abuse – and believe me, I know what trauma bonding feels like, and what it feels like to have been ‘played with’ by someone like that ( it’s like you’ve been raped on every level, mentally, physically, emotionally ), time away from him and peeling back of the layers of abuse and the gradual healing process will help you to see what a weak and insignificant individual he is, eventually.
He won’t loom large in your mind like he is now. He won’t be in your head 24/7, taking over your headspace. He won’t seem powerful, or wonderful, or that he has untapped potential. He will seem to you like a small ant, that you can squash underfoot.
You will realise that you sold yourself short by bring with such a poor human being, that you were worth much more than him.
You will get to this stage if you keep on talking, keep on letting it out, getting support and advice.
I promise that in the not too distant future, you will begin to think of yourself as a separate individual to him. The invisible cord that is binding you to him will have withered and broken, like a dried up umbilical cord dries and drops off eventually. You will begin to feel yourself again, and will be able to say hello to a friend you haven’t seen for a long time- yourself.
You’ll start to dream about things you want to do in the future- which don’t include him. You can appreciate qualities in other people, qualities that he didn’t have. You will relish being around people who are very different from him- because they seem so comforting and normal to you!
I know you probably don’t believe this. But it’s true. I was curled up in a foetal position in bed at night with the pain, and I was shaking and sick every day for over a year. Now, I see him for the worm he is. x*x
4th April 2016 at 10:49 am #12967
Thank you for all your replies and I hope they help many others of you. I hope that I also am able to help others on my path of recovery. Serenity I really hope I do see him for the worm he really is ((( hug ))) thank you
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