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    • #128998

      Hi, I dont know what to do, and I dont know why now, maybe because its an anniversary of leaving, maybe because he’s started up again but from a distance and its opened it all up again. Maybe its the weather. Maybe Ive just had enough. Enough of thinking about it. Enough of trying to get better. To learn how to not get involved with a n********t again – which for me means starting from scratch, as it turns out pretty much every friend Ive ever had was a n********t and guess what, not one of them is around now supporting me in the “afterwards”, surprise surprise. I’ve tried self care, Ive tried eating properly, I take anti-depressants, i exercise, people have been saying I look well and happy but inside I feel the worst Ive ever felt. I don’t know how to get out of this hole. And most of all, Im not sure I even have the energy to do it. Im so near to just walking, when my kids are at his, just leaving, never coming back to this life. I can’t see anything but massive hills to climb, more massive fkn hills, and Im bone tired of the hills. Cant see the point of going to the GP I dont want to take more anti-depressants, and not long ago I was thinking of starting to come off them as I was feeling well. But all of a sudden Ive spiralled beyond any place Ive been before. I feel really dark, really broken and really tired, so tired of it and him and all the damage and all the damage Ive got to fix with my kids, and one of them has started talking to me like he did and im thinking, whats the point, its going to be tough for a very long time, maybe they just go there, live with him, be like him, because im not going to be able to solve it, to compete, hes trying to break me, and I think me going away is going to be the only way he will ever stop. Dont know what to do. Counselling finished. Thought it had been good but then it all started and I cant seem to cope. So tired. Never felt like this before. Sorry not sure of the point of even writing it here, its Freedom day I should be happy, but i just cant find it anymore. Not sure I ever will.

    • #129000

      Hi there. Can you muster the strength to ring women’s aid? I can tell you that I had to walk away from my adult son to preserve my own sanity. You need to get your own oxygen mask on before you can help others. He was behaving in ways that his dad did and it was triggering and exhausting. It sounds like you need a break. Could you leave the kids with him longer? Feign illness? Until you gather your strength. I also discovered that a friend and family members shared some of his traits and I believe that’s part of the reason why I stayed as his behaviour was familiar and now I know it was wrong and I was left facing the fact that he wasn’t the only abusive person in my life x

    • #129012

      Just pm’d you. xx

    • #129015

      Hello, I have been in a similar place to you very recently. Feeling more powerless than ever, back caught up in legal stuff again abd at rock bottom and thinking I should just let him have the children because that was the only thing left he had to hold over me. Things are still very challenging but I have started some counselling via The Nurturibg Coach where all the therapists have at some point been involved with someone with the personality problem you refer to. It’s really helped me cope with things. Google it abs there are free resources abs a Facebook group ( I haven’t joined this so can’t comment). Don’t give up…. Our emotions can abs do change… you will feel stronger again.

      • #129023

        I was thinking of doing that, I think I might, just need some headspace to try and recover. Thank you.
        It helps to know others have been through this cr*p. Its started to make me feel crazy again, the strange sense of entitlement he has, he fully believes everything he says and does. Realising how frightened I feel, frightened for the danger I was in for so many years, which I know sounds strange, as we’re not there now, and we’re safe, its the realisation of having lived with a complete psychopath that is freaking me out. Thanks for being there KIP, you’re always so insightful for everyone, I hope you are ok and its not triggering for you, hearing all the same stories. xx

        thank you, I’ve never heard of them, I just looked it up, everything of the website I was going “Oh yes” “Yes!” “YES!!” “YES thats ME!” to all the questions. Going to book in for the free session. Thank you for heads up. I hope you’re feeling more grounded? Thanks for helping. x

    • #129024

      Hi, it’s not strange. The brain processes the danger you’ve been in when it feels safe enough to do so. Try to work on zero contact with him and using a third party or a contact centre. No it’s no longer triggering but as you rightly point out it’s the same stories for many women which simply confirms that it was never me. I was never the problem in the relationship. Any contact is toxic x

    • #129166

      Hi iliketea. So sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad.

      Not sure how I can help except to share I was feeling very similar not very long ago. Timings probably about the same as you in terms of leaving and coincidentally when the lockdown restrictions were easing. So both could be a factor for you too possibly?

      It was the worst I’ve ever felt in this whole time. Like you coming to the end of counselling with Women’s Aid which has been brilliant but it meant I went from numb to having ‘feelings’ – overnight this whole abuse experience was just consuming my every thought and I just felt terrible and hopeless and wanting to run away. There was nothing to look forward to as I felt I had no friends and my family are far away and each week, he had a new trick up his sleeve to make the panic set in. It was the first time I considered anti depressants as I felt so bad.

      I can’t really say what’s happened to change but I think it’s been a number of things. I truly believe for me that awful period was like poison coming out of the wound after counselling. You feel awful but then it’s gone and it’s gone for good. I also got crazy busy at work and I just didn’t have the time or room in my brain to obsess over him and his shenanigans with the divorce/finances. I went to see family when I was on my own for a weekend, the first time in almost a year, and just had fun- no talking about him or my situation just to give myself a little holiday in my head. I’ve joined a meeting up group (nothing to do with dating mainly women) so when I’m on my own I’ve got people to meet with and just enjoy myself and have a chat. I’ve also started doing a vision book of all the things I want to do/am going to do now I have my freedom. And there is so much to look forward to.

      I’m definitely not saying that you don’t need medical support but just sharing some stuff that appears to be working for me.

      I’ve still got it all going on. Taking me to court now and I have to self rep as no more cash in the till. But I just don’t care anymore. I have my child, we have our health (fingers x) and I’m working so can afford to live. Whatever happens we can survive. For the rest, what will be will be. They are always going to try and make life difficult – it’s our response to it that can change.

      One thing I say to myself iliketea is that a little over a year ago, I would’ve given anything to be where I am now and although it’s hard I bet you do too. It’s been a long hard road but you’re still standing. 💪 Power to you xx

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