19th January 2022 at 12:20 am #137369Whoopi5-Participant
So need to get this all out tonight.
(detail removed by Moderator) as usual my partner came in from an appointment, a doctors one (detail removed by Moderator) as he doesn’t work through ill health.
He pretty much went straight upstairs to the spare room where he stays 80% of the time. I asked why he was upstairs and he said he was tired and didn’t feel well.
So me and my child carried on playing, walked the dog etc and then began to make dinner.
When dinner was pretty much ready my partner came down and talked about getting (detail removed by Moderator). I said no because we’d made dinner etc.
from this it went downhill..
I was frustrated again as he was upstairs not joining in at mealtimes so messaged him to say this. He responded with well you hadn’t asked me if I wanted dinner etc and talked about (detail removed by Moderator). No I didn’t ask him if he wanted dinner because most of the time he says no and he always does his own thing.
Again it got to me the fact he is always upstairs in the spare room and doesn’t join in family activities so it brought the convo back to me being unhappy.
When I was grumpy after that and it again triggered how I feel in this relationship, so we argued. I tried to discuss the splitting up and well that was it he went down the road of you won’t have the dog, you can’t drive the cars anymore (he owns both) he won’t support me with money now ( I only work (detail removed by Moderator) days) and basically said things to make life so difficult and to leave me struggling.
He then came downstairs and took our little dog upstairs with him to show me he’s his dog.
This all might sound quite petty really but it’s this reaction that scares me when I talk about splitting up. He just won’t contemplate it and becomes threatening in the sense of punishment.
He has ill health yes, I feel for him yes, but do I have to live my life with him sleeping separately, eating separately and generally living like he’s a single man?!
I do most of the chores, look after our daughter and he never gets up before 11 most days and on occasions he can go all day in the bedroom and we won’t see him. He of course blames this all on his health.
Sorry for my venting at this time but just had to!
19th January 2022 at 7:56 pm #137411LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for posting to us, I hope it helped to offload. How are you today?
Keep posting when you can, there is support here for you from others who understand.
19th January 2022 at 9:22 pm #137415Whoopi5-Participant
Thankyou, I’m feeling a little better today.
I have discussed a separation and my partner has refused to leave but also can’t afford to buy me out and doesn’t want to sell.
Feeling a little trapped as now not sure what to do.
I’ve left a message with citizens advice so will wait to see what their advice is.
Thankyou and of course no it’s fine for you to edit as you wish x
20th January 2022 at 11:19 am #137449LisaMain Moderator
Thanks for your reply. His response is typical of someone abusive; it is likely that he will try to make separation difficult and delay any practical progress, all as a way of keeping some control. It’s understandable that you feel trapped, but there will be a way to separate yourself from him. I suggest not to talk to him about it anymore, but instead privately do your research, gather information and make your own plan for leaving safely.
It’s great that you’ve made contact with Citizen’s Advice. If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
You can access the chat service here:
Or you could contact your local service for some support. You can find your local service via the Women’s Aid Website here:
20th January 2022 at 12:31 pm #137453GerbilParticipant
Please don’t apologise on her for venting! I have found this forum to be totally supportive as everyone on here understands.
Your situation sounds very difficult and I can completely understand why you feel frustrated.
Take care x
21st January 2022 at 10:25 pm #137528cagedgirlParticipant
I am kind of same situation.
I have told him about separation, but he did not not acknowledg it until he saw me talking to my parents. His friend came up to me later to be a mediator. I told him I want to leave, he has spoken to my partner. My partner said to him he will accept if that is what I want.
But he just do not do any conversation about starting the proceedings. On top he is now demanding money (what he spent in rent, groceries in early stage of marriage,totally discarding my contribution).
He is threatening that he’d not let me leave.
I am still living in same house, it is a rented property. I am having pressure about rent as he doesn’t want to pay.
I am in need of serious legal help, but I do not know any good solicitor.
It would be great help if anyone could share any good solicitor details who has dealt this situation.
22nd January 2022 at 11:07 am #137545HereforhelpParticipant
Hi Whoopi5, it sounds like you are aware of the abuse and that you are unhappy (once you see the abuse you can’t unsee it). I also read, from your post, that you are hoping for a reasonable, rational reaction from your partner when you ask for separation, to talk to him? He will not EVER be reasonable or rational as he is abusive, he will NOT stop. He is refusing separation and is relying on you to feel sorry for him as he cannot buy you out and he is using his poor health as an excuse for his behaviours (when you are poorly do you abuse others? I bet you don’t).
Please contact WA, talk to your GP? He will always move the goal posts, that’s what abusers do. As Lisa said, read up on abuse, books, podcasts, knowledge is power.
My husband told me he would do XYZ if i went ahead with divorce (XYZ meaning lots of things so life would be harder for our children and I). He also was emotionally detached from us, it was a very lonely anxiety filled period of my life.
Keep posting ❤️
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