Feeling trapped and so confused

[Shazza]

I’m sure i’m not the only one feeling like this but i feel so trapped and confused. One minute i think i am being abused and the next i have conbinved myself that i am the problem and that it is all me. I convince myself that he doesnt know what he is doing and that he wouldnt intentionally hurt me. But he does hurt me. He repeatedly hurts me and i still make excuses for him. Why cant i accept that?
I feel like i have no options. We have a child and he would fight me for custody. I couldnt risk him getting joint custody but i have no proof of the things he does to me, it would be my word against his and it wouldnt be safe for our child to be with him and not me due to his alcoholism which i also dont know how to prove.
I feel completely trapped and like i have no options. Part of me just feels sorry for him and then i worry about how upset he would be if i left with out child. Why do i still care about his feelings after all he has done to me and continues to do to me. I really feel like me doesnt think he has done anything wrong and it is messing with my head

[Shazza]

*our child not out

[Bananaboat]

Take it one step at a time. Some things that will help you start to feel in control – 1) start a log of his behaviour, words, actions, how you’re made to feel.

2) If it’s safe to do so keep photos of the alcohol he’s drank or mine leaves empty bottles, lids, rolled up notes etc lying around where kids could get to it. You can hide photos on an iPhone but like I say, only do this if safe.

3) do some research and start to understand abusers. Great books I was recommended on here are ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and ‘living with the dominator’ by pat craven. It’ll help you to stop trying to justify his actions, blaming yourself and expecting him to change. Watch Dr Ramani (and others) on YouTube.

4) reach out to womansaid and refuge through their online chat service or their phone lines.

Above and beyond anything else, stay safe. We don’t have to put up with this but it’s a journey to get out. One step at a time.x

[Shazza]

Thank you Bananaboat. Sometimes it feels so overwhelming and his complete denial that there is anything wrong with his behaviour and actions is making me feel crazy.
I am keeping a log of events.
I did start taking photos of all the alcohol, its trying to do it without him knowing. Will it count towards evidence? I am worried that i wi find it hard to prove when it comes to custody. I worry so much that my child will be with him half the time and he will be drinking and putting her at risk. I will keep taking the photos.
I have reached out to the live chat today which was helpful thank you

[nbumblebee]

Hey there, you are most certainly not alone we all feel this way at times.
Its great that you have talked to womans aid via chat now maybe go one step further reach out a bit more your local womans aid service or your gp a friend? Dont cope alone you dont have to be alone in this. Arm yourself with knowledge this will give you strength. Xxxx

[Shazza]

Thank you nbumblebee. Ive got some numbers now to try and get some more info. It is all so daunting and scary. I’m still struggling to accept that it is happening

[nbumblebee]

Yeah me too sweetie me too but you know what? The more you learn the more you understand the more you have to fight with. Use those numbers reach out arm yourself with all the info help and support you can. Stay safe xxxxx

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