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We are creeping up to (detail removed by moderator) months of me saying I’ve had enough, I want him to leave. He is the one who has been verbally abusive a d threatening behaviour. We havec4 children and 2 dogs and I want to stay in the family home with them. He has said some horrible things over this time to me, things I can’t forget. He has now been seeing a councillor for his anger issues and says he feels a different person and will not get angry like that ever again with me. I know he has been to see a solicitor to see where he stands with things as I want him out. I something he heard what he wanted. He has now basically asked for a chance to prove himself to me. He says things like I can’t really want to throw away all these years of marriage, the kids need us both in the home, he doesn’t want to see me living on my own, struggling.
I really don’t think I love him anymore. The thought of having to be close to him or share a bed with him makes me cringe. I want to be on my own with the kids. I think if I do have to live with him, as soon as the kids have grown up, I’m out of there. I wanted a husband who I respect, want to be with and who is a friend, and he is none of these.
I feel so trapped. The guilt he and others (mostly family & sometimes our kids) make me feel because I dont want to be with him anymore is stopping me from going to solicitors to help start the process of separation. He looks at me so hurt and disappointingly when I say things he doesn’t want to hear. Im trying to stay strong, believing it will be best for everyone in the end but I feel so selfish.
DD xx -
good morning xx
this is your gut instinct making you cringe when your with him – he hasnt done the right thing by you and your not happy no wonder. i think society expects families to stay together but why? it will show the kids what an unhealthy relationship is)on his part only btw) people just dont get that it leads them into unhealthy relationships or is more likely too. so for your future and there future this is the right decision to get him to go. if he behaved like this in the work place he would be sacked /reprimanded- if he did this to someone in the street he would be reported to the police – there has to be a consequence and he has brought this on himself because of how he has behaved. now he is acting the victim he is actually playing on your good nature xx these men learn these behaviours its like a vicious circle. i realise my ex learned to play the victim from his mother – her husband had an affair and she faked that she had a terminal illness to get them all to feel sorry for her – shes still here to tell the tale! keep telling yourself this is a tactic to change your mind – hes using guilt to keep you and also obligation – i wouldnt let him stay for those reasons because this will only fester – youll hate him i knoe i did xx i wish i had acted sooner now because i actually wasted 20 years of my life with him xx dont do that your put on this planet to live not to simply exist xxxxx much love diymum
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hello daisy do, it’s very hard,
typos here too as my fingers not 100 per cent…diymum is spot on I feel,
perhaps the way of making it most clear for you in your head is that – imagine what you would say to your own daughter if she were, heaven forbid, in the same situation you are now…no doubt you would be making it clear that it is possible, you don’t have to wait and that you would support her in her deciisons…so that is what we are here for…isn’t it? maybe to strengthen your self-talk?
perhaps you could imagine different scenarios for yourself, no doubt fizz might help on law of attraction?When we are tired, lonely and living with an abusive person it is difficult to imagine there are any, don’t suppose you get much time to yourself with four kids….
but there are, really.
the middle way between staying and going might be renting a place for a while, to get some space in yrou head…as soon as you separate…you can look at the legal issues.
can’t remember if you are married, but divorce wise we can talk you through it eemotionally,
in a different household n*d separated, yes, it is a transition on benefits etc but it is doable…and won’t you feel great being able to lock the door behind you and snuggle up in your own bed.
all the best
ftc
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It’s soul destroying living with an abuser, your mental health deteriorates while he floats on air. You’ve made it clear it’s over and any reasonable man would take steps to move out. Who wants to be with someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with them? An abuser.
Your kids need to see you happy and fulfilled for their own sake. Nobody should stay in an abusive relationship. Perhaps taking legal advice would give you the security and facts to make a move. Don’t believe a work your husband says. Don’t trust him with money and credit. Many men run up huge debts to keep their partners trapped. You need to get good legal advice and help from women’s aid. They can often predict the next move of these men. He is going nowhere. It’s upto you to make the move to get him out or move out yourself. Don’t stay for the sake of the children. That’s what I did and it just exposed them to dysfunctional behaviour x -
Dear Daisydo
Trapped is a horrible place, and I really feel for you.
You are saying you are trapped by things like guilt (the guilt is his to bear for breaking your relationship through abusing you, you cannot do more than you have, and when the love is also gone there is nothing left to stay for).
Also, yes, the children; we do often believe that stepping away from the relatiinship wil be lettinh the children down/breaking their hearts/causing them harm. However,he is doing that to them whilst together, so that changes things considerably from the normal. They will be so much better off without him in their 24/7 home life.
Take heart that you have struggled on always trying to do tye best you can by them, and they are still at the forefront of your mind and considerations.
It will be a huge adjustment for you all but one that so many here will tell you is also a very positive and life-affirming one.
We are all here for you as you process this,do kee posting and getting all support you can in place. There are links here to local supports for you too.
Warmest wishes
TS
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Oh bless you Getmylifeback, i felt the same, and sometimes it probaly is a lot safer to leave; isnt it a shame though, when you and your children could have your home, stay in their schools, and he could be turfed out you could reclaim your’home’ put the home back into your house with the law keeping you all safe.
Sometimes the law can protect women and children and properly target the abuser.
Do post more as you work through your options, having that gives you choices and decisions.
Warmest wishes
TS
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I’m in exactly the same situati left my husband a number of times as years of his controlling nasty ways have driven me to the depths of despair… my mental health has suffered incredibly I’m not really sure who I am anymore..but each time I just kept returning believing he really would change and my children could live with their mum and dad and we would be one big happy family. That is never the reality..his false pleasantries to get us back and as soon as he is back the abuse starts. My phone has to be on silent in a pocket..every time I choose what to wear it has to have a pocket on to keep my on phone close..even though I’ve done nothing. He’s out all hours asking me to transfer him money for petrol but the car never has petrol in. I could go on forever..I want him gone can’t stand him even coming near me but I don’t know what to do or where to turn x*x
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