18th December 2017 at 8:37 pm #51459
Been a better few days, but Christmas is coming and I’ve now got to sleep back in the same bed as my partner, I made up with him forgave him without even a hint of an apology, but I’m so anxious I feel queasy, my son clapped in my face today we was playing but I jumped out my skin just caught me off guard, since then I’ve felt nervous, I don’t want to snuggle up like we’re ok, he couldn’t even care enough to say sorry, he just walks around without a care in the world, oblivious to how I feel, or maybe not I don’t no, I’m screaming inside
18th December 2017 at 10:18 pm #51478lover of no contactParticipant
That’s very hard for you. Please keep posting for support. I remember when awareness was dawning on me that he was hurting me on purpose and I still had to sleep in the same bed as him.
This stage will pass. Hang on in their posting, reading the posts and gathering as many supports around you as you can. This too will pass. The most important thing is you stay strong so you can survive him and his antics. Eat as well as you can, if you don’t sleep try and rest as much as you can. Don’t worry too much about everything being perfect for Christmas, you’re dealing with so much. Be very gentle on yourself and don’t expect perfection for Christmas. One day at a time.
You won’t share the bed with him forever. One night way back was my last night in the bed with him and that night I didn’t even know it was to be the last night (after sharing a bed with him for decades). But things can change overnight when we are changing.
You changing by coming on here will change the dynamic of your relationship with him. Don’t worry you made up with him. That’s just the cycle. We’ve all done it or are still doing it. Its hard to end an abusive relationship (harder than anything in life I’ve ever had to do). So be easy on yourself. We got there in the end and were at your stage. Just keep moving forward by staying close to this Forum and ringing Women’s Aid as you need.
18th December 2017 at 11:36 pm #51486
Thank you I find it so difficult as I no that I do love him but I see him now if that makes sense, but I feel as tho I am doing to him what he does to me with holding myself my affection my love then I feel bad for not giving enough to r relationship, sounds stupid
19th December 2017 at 1:52 am #51487FreedomfighterParticipant
I know exactly what you mean. I’m in the same boat, except I don’t think I do love mine. When he’s being nice I just go with the flow. We haven’t had sex in over a decade, haven’t shared his bed in (detail removed by moderator) until recently. I was terrified the first time. I ended up crying. He asked what was the matter. I couldn’t think of anything so told him the truth. I’d really missed being held, but I was scared he would hurt me again. He was very sweet, kissing me, telling me he loved me, always had etc etc. We just kissed and cuddled then he fell asleep and I went down. I sat for hours writing in my journal and trying to fathom it all out in my head. I was terrified I was falling for his lies, would chicken out of leaving (again), get hurt (again) etc. But as you said, I see him now. I see through his illusion. I think the trick is to write it All down, not just the I love you ‘s and the hugs and holding hands etc, but all the words and actions and spot the ones that didn’t fit, the odd little things we dismiss etc and remember the past and the temper tantrums and abuse and you spot the red flags
It’s really hard at first but I’m starting to get the hang of it now. When he’s being nice I just pretend it’s the ‘him’ I fell in love with. As soon as he starts heading towards sex I remind myself this isn’t real and make excuses. I’m off work with stress so use that. The rest of the time I remember what and who he really is and continue with my plans to leave. It’s the safest thing to do til you’re ready to leave. Don’t fret about it, we all do it. It doesn’t go against you when you are ready, they understand we do it to avoid tempers, confrontation and danger. I actually quite like having a cuddle now. Sometimes I really need one. Sounds like you do too. Think of it this way, you’ve put up with all the abuse, the lack of apologies he’s behaved badly etc, why shouldn’t you have a hug from your husband. He owes you that much. Try not to let him coerce you into doing things you don’t want to, but don’t beat yourself up about it. As lover of no contact says, it’s not for ever. If it makes you uncomfortable you can go back to sleeping separately after. It’s only a week which is nothing compared to how long you’ve been married. Don’t worry or feel bad about it. They pick and choose when they want to be nice, when they want closeness, if I want a hug I hug him. I think it confuses the heck out of him 😊
19th December 2017 at 6:50 pm #51511
I see that it makes sense, it wasn’t so bad actually, but it’s them things that make me feel like he is a nice person, and he is but I forget about the bad stuff for a while then let my guard down,I want to be strong and keep my guard up this time, I don’t no if I love him if I’m honest, I’m attached to him feel like I’d be lost without him, I like how I feel when he holds me, I used to be crazy about him, but now I don’t no if I even no what love is anymore, I mean I thought I did, one day I feel so far away from reality like a zombie can’t think strate and I wanna run for the hills, next I’m wondering how I’m gonna make this work for us, so confused
19th December 2017 at 9:02 pm #51518FreedomfighterParticipant
Oh Greysky, yes I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been doing this for so many years, trying to be a good Christian and forgiving him and trying to start afresh etc.
You and I know exactly what love is, it’s them who have a warped perception of love
I think I’ve got the key to not allowing myself to get sucked back in, feeling confused and conflicted.
After he’s been nice sitting with me, holding hands, cuddles and kisses and then the fog descends
Stop, get out my journal and start writing. Debating it in my head doesn’t work, but writing it down does. I write everything, how I feel, exactly what happened and was said etc and look for clues or red flags. They are always there, every time. A look, something he does or says before during or after. I think about why, what he stands to gain, e.g. He said he loves me. I want to believe it, but know he’s a liar. Years ago he told me it’s like a dagger thro his heart when I don’t say it back. He knows that really upset me and I started saying it because I couldn’t bare the guilt. I didn’t mean it tho, so I stopped saying it again. He said it all the more dozens of times a day. I talked to a counsellor about it and she said if it really hurt him that much he wouldn’t keep saying it. He does it because he knows it upsets you and makes you feel uncomfortable and guilty. He’s saying it to punish, control and hurt you. I didn’t believe her back then. Now it makes perfect sense with all I now know about abusers. I see control and manipulation in everything he does/says. I’ve known he was a control freak for years and years. I just didn’t realise the extent or why.
I don’t feel guilty or bad about having cuddles or holding hands. I need to have a hug sometimes and he’s still my husband and I deserve to be able to have a hug from my husband. But I let him hug me because ‘I’ want one. If I’m annoyed with him I don’t. I don’t let myself fall into his traps because I keep looking for the signs, even if they weren’t there one day it would only be a matter of time before he lapsed back into his old ways. I know this because I’ve given him dozens and dozens of chances. I dare say you have too.
I go with the flow, but I don’t let myself become blinded by his illusions or distractions. My husband is a master at distracting me whilst doing something bad right under my nose.
Don’t be afraid of enjoying a little kindness or attention. We’ve earned it. The trick is not to believe any of it. I think of nice time with him as a kind of dream- nice while it lasts, but then you have to wake yourself up and take stock.
It felt very strange at first, we hadn’t been close for many years. But now I quite enjoy it. It reassures me I can still feel! But learning to accept it as a nice dream and that I deserve a hug but still seeing who and what he really is… I actually feel quite strong and empowered . Perhaps I’m just a bit weird lol!
You could try it for the Christmas period. It might make it easier for you.
Make sure you keep yourself safe and keep grounded, by which I mean remind yourself who he is and what he’s capable of. Mine has telltale traits when things are brewing. I never go near him if he’s drunk and been angry in the day. You probably know when to keep your head down too. Stay safe, but also be kind to yourself. If he’s being nice then allow yourself to enjoy it but don’t let your guard down or underestimate him. It’s working for me, but only you know your situation and partner. Just don’t beat yourself up over sharing his bed. Hope that all makes sense . Stay safe
20th December 2017 at 2:38 pm #51570
Yes it does make sense, I have bought myself a book to write in, I think I do overlook red flags when he’s being nice, and only see them when the drama unfolds, so for my piece of mind I am going to try and write it all down, I am a strong woman and I refuse to be belittled and made to feel uncomfortable in my own home, i matter my life matters😊
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