Feeling very alone today

[RelearningMe]

My husbands abuse started and peaked (removed by Moderator), towards the end of the worst I began journalling and making friends online. Unfortunately I was in a pretty weak state of mind and some slight emotional infidelity happened. (I’m not trying to make it sound better than it was, I know what I did was awful.) In my mind my marriage was dead and over.

 

This caused my husband to have another thing to attack at constantly, my phone and Internet use. It became a massive issue so I stopped talking to people and re-isolated myself for him.

 

Now that I’ve done that he seems happier, he will still nitpick and attack when I leave the room (I’ve been timed by him) or when I use my phone (I never say anything to him about his, even though he’s just like flat out ignored me for things on his phone…)

 

I guess my biggest issue with it is:

A- I feel like because of my mistake I’m not allowed to complain about his abuse or like I feel less worthy of help because I also messed up

B- As long as I am isolated and dependant on him he seems happier (he says he is happy for me to make friends but like actions never align. When I actually tried to make friends I was being accused of infidelity waaaaaay before I ever slipped and made a vaguely flirty comment)

 

I used to be quite a social person but now if you don’t include shop assistants I speak to nobody. I’ve felt very alone recently but also like it is my own fault.

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. There is no justification for abuse and you deserve support as much as anyone else. When someone is chipping away at you and being cruel towards you- its understandable that you would want to seek out that love, respect and connection with someone else- nobody can judge you for wanting that.

Domestic abuse is about power and control- he wants you to feel isolated and likely uses what happened before as something to use- to hold over your head. none of this is your fault.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

Posts