8th February 2019 at 7:01 pm #72033EggshellsParticipant
I’m having a very difficult day. I’ve recently started taking antidepressants but they haven’t really kicked in yet. I had a few nights of decent sleep in the first few nights with them but now I’m not really sleeping again and I’m really scared.
I haven’t really posted on here very much but I have sent a divorce petition to the court and it still hasn’t come back for him to sign. It is taking ages.
In the meantime, he is still in the house, he won’t move out and I can’t really afford to. The solicitors fees have already cost me over £1000 and there is a long way to go yet. I can see it costing around £15000 in the end which will leave me with precious little to buy a home with.
He is manic sometimes. I know that he has a personality disorder but this is something else. He can swing from desperation to mania in the blink of eye. He is currently downstairs singing rugby songs at the top of his voice and it grates when I’m feeling so low.
I keep having suicidal thoughts which I don’t intend to act on but I can’t help wanting to just duck out of all of this.
Reading posts from other women doesn’t help. They all seem so lonely and are struggling after they have left. I’ve even considered staying with him. He is being really nice at the moment but I know it won’t last and I have to get out. My head is just a whirl of scary thoughts that I don’t know what to do with.
I have a keywoker from Refuge who is really not very good. In 5 months I’ve met her once because she keeps forgetting to book a room and she hasn’t contacted me for three weeks. She has promised me all sorts of help, rape counselling, a program similar to the Freedom programme etc but she hasn’t actually organised anything. I desperately wanted to meet other women in my situation just so that I didn’t feel so alone. She promised this would happen too but …. nothing. In short, Refuge have done nothing in the end.
I felt like I could get through this; I felt that I would have people there to help me through but I feel so alone.
My sister and my best friend have been great and I go to stay with one or the other of them every weekend but they both live a long way away and I don’t think they really understand how scared I am.
I just want to check out.
I would be grateful for any words of support. I just want to know it will be ok in the end from people have got out and are ok.
8th February 2019 at 7:35 pm #72035NumptyParticipant
I’ve got out. Life is hard because I often doubt myself, but then I remember how bad it was. I have my whole bed to myself, the fear is (largely) gone and I have been able to build a future for me and lo.
We are all here for you and understand how hard it can be. Rebuilding everything from the bottom will not be easy, but I promise you it can be done.
Is there any way that you can find out about a freedom group near you? It can be really helpful. If you go to the freedom programme website it tells you where some are run near you.
8th February 2019 at 7:57 pm #72036KIP.Participant
Hey, I was exactly where you are. There was nobody I could talk to when all I wanted to know was a woman who survived this. I truly felt like I was the only person going through this. You are not alone. I stayed with meex after starting divorce proceedings and within weeks he had assaulted me enough to be arrested and removed. Living with him is not a good idea when he’s about to receive divorce papers. Myex woukd olay the tv really loudly when I was upstairs trying to keep out his way. I used to drag the bed in front of the door and wedge itshut. That is no way to live. I’m out now. I got the house. He got a criminal conviction. I’m rebuilding my life exactly the way I want to. No eggshells. True peace and quiet. Little anxiety. No knot permanently in my stomach. Putting me first. It’s a struggle but it’s worth it to be free. Keep pushing forwards. He won’t care how much either of you waste money wise. He still thinks you’re going nowhere. He has you right where he wants you.
8th February 2019 at 8:01 pm #72038ChoccomummaggParticipant
You are not alone.
I am very much feeling the same way as you. I have psychosis and severe depression. You however are doing much better. You have taken the first steps to your new life. You should be proud of yourself.
Have you spoken to talking therapy’s? Or your gp. They can help you and refer you to people that help with depression.
I have a great ‘helper’ who is helping me come to terms with things and is helping me see that it isn’t my fault
There is light at the end of the tunnel
8th February 2019 at 11:35 pm #72062IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there, I’m still with my OH. But my doctor knows my situation and has been amazing. She organised a psychologist pre assessment for me, with a view to finding a therapy that suited my needs. We put so much onus on organisations helping us when the reality is often it’s just not happening, a lot because of funding, sometimes the worker is all talk and no trousers. Maybe her intentions were good but she might, just might have so many women to deal with, she has had to prioritise, someone just might be in more need of resources. We don’t know, all we know is our situation is important to us. I hope someday there won’t be any need for organisations to be needed to help abused women, children men, Non gender, but in the meantime we just have to keep on fighting back, refusing to allow this abuse to be swept under the carpet. Things are changing, we are the new #21stcenturysuffragettes
9th February 2019 at 5:01 pm #72100freedomtochooseParticipant
In my experience, with this, putting one foot in front of the other is sometimes the order of the day and a way to get through a rough patch. Such patches in my life get less frequent, and not so rough, although when I have one it is difficult to remember this.
thinking of you
9th February 2019 at 7:17 pm #72108maddogParticipant
You are so not alone Eggshells! You have done really well by posting here. Well done for starting to take antidepressants. I have been on SSRIs almost since they were invented, and frankly they saved my life and it was such a relief to recognise myself as a member of the human race!
I’m sorry your case worker is no good. You may be able to find extra help through Victim Support/Rape Crisis etc. The Freedom Programme isn’t available everywhere and some organisations do their own version.
Please remember that the Samaritans are there all the time. I never thought I’d need them again. How wrong I was. Sometimes it is such a comfort just to have a voice on the end of the phone.
Are the police involved? I ask only because you should not be living in fear. My ex refused to move out despite telling me he’d be far happier on his own (something he later denied). It was ultimately the police who persuaded him to leave.
My ex has been driving me mad with legal ping pong. I hope your solicitor is a specialist in domestic abuse. If you have any insurance which includes free legal advice, use it! Citizens Advice may run free legal surgeries and so may your local Women’s Aid. I have recently been knocked sideways by legal costs. It’s an horrific b**w when depression strikes.
For now you really need someone who’s got your back, who can make things happen and who can point you, support you and hold you through this hellish time. Now my ex is out of the building things are so much calmer. I’m not rid of him yet. My solicitor has advised my ex’s solicitor to deal with me directly. It is awful forever being on the back foot, forever defending stupid attacks.
Keep a diary and record in any way you can what is happening to you. Keep breathing. I too have experienced wanting to destroy myself, and I know I’m not alone. Remember that anger is a useful emotion. You have much to be angry about and most likely you are angry because you are afraid.
9th February 2019 at 11:19 pm #72119[email protected]Participant
its sounds like you have a feeling of hopelessness, weve all been there, mostly due to how relentless this can be. it feels like its never going to stop. it will though every phase in life either stops or changes its path. when i get like this i remind myself that this will pass. If you look back through your whole life theres ups and downs. You will feel good again, whatever is round the corner from you think positive. i always believe a positive attracts a positive. Look how strong you are look how far youve come and what youve achieved. lots of people dont have to come through so much in their lives, you have and youve survived. Just aim now to thrive 🙂 when you come across people that you dont find helpful or uncaring you dont have to accept that, id ask for someone else. It is your right. keep posting for support and we will be here xx luv diy mum xx
10th February 2019 at 7:06 am #72125EggshellsParticipant
Thank you everyone. x*x
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