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    • #54340
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      I’ve been doing ok, have had some really good days but can feel myself slipping again over the last few days..

      Today I m feeling really, really low. All the ‘self care’ in the world isn’t working right now… I have so, so much to do (from housework to bills, to work projects) but just can’t seem to get motivated. I’m trying to be gentle on myself and do what I can do but there’s going to come a point where everything is going to be due at once and it’s all going to come crashing down on me.

      I’m also getting intrusive thoughts – I sat on the couch last night with the words “He raped me. He raped me. He raped me. …” just playing over and over in my head! It’s all such a frigging mess! I have work stuff to catch up, bills and budgeting to look at, basic household stuff isn’t getting done. I’m just numb and have no energy. I think I’m sleeping ok – fall asleep fine and wake up the alarm but am waking knowing that I have been crying in my sleep.

      Apart from my counsellor and you lovely ladies I have no one to talk to. My work friends are understanding and I can vent a little – but I think if I was to come out with the whole truth they’d run a mile. I am trying to get out and meet new people but when I went out a while ago someone asked me what I do for fun. I wanted to just blurt out “I haven’t a clue!” and run out the building. I made up stuff about walking and movies – nice safe options. I feel completely damaged – who’s going to want to make friends with someone who is so broken?

      Feeling very lost and alone…

    • #54341
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi iwillbeok,

      I just wanted to reply because each week I usually have at least one day each week where I feel like you have described. Do you find you have a bad day like this then the next day is better? I find it helps if I just let myself have a day like that and take all the pressure off. I make a list of all the jobs that need doing then number them in order of priority so I am only doing what really needs doing, and the rest can wait. Then when I feel better I find I am much more productive and can blitz the other things to do list more efficiently which usually take less time than I expected.

      Some days I have so much washing up to do (I used to have a dishwasher but don’t in my rental so washing up gets crazy since I like to I bake and cook!) and some days when it feels too much I just do half a washing up and that helps then I do the rest either later that day or the next morning. I also make myself a coffee and put on a podcast as I do it. I have been listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s ‘Magic Lessons’ while I wash up about creativity which I have loved and found very inspiring, I highly recommend it, I find her voice very calming and the subject matter is really uplifting and gives me hope.

      I had a total zombie day yesterday after being wiped out by my new job (which was a mistake and which I have already quit). I felt too dizzy to stand for most of the day. All I did once I regained some energy was wash some teatowels and walk a few minutes to the shops and back. I feel quite a bit better today due to not pushing myself yesterday. When we feel like that we need to rest and regain our strength.

      I also recommend you ring victim support. I rang them after I spoke to a Samaritan who was kind but didn’t seem to get the trauma side of what I went through. Victim support have been great and totally get trauma and ptsd symptoms like you are experiencing which I get myself too – I find myself constantly replaying the relationship for hours every single day thinking things like ‘he was probably lying to me and cheating on me at that particular time’ and other horrible depressing upsetting things. I have spoken to two different really helpful understanding people there and they now seem to have allocated me a worker who I am hopefully going to meet while I wait for counselling, so maybe give them a ring (I rang the national number first then they transferred me to my local one).

      Just remember that you won’t always feel like this.

    • #54361
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thank you for your reply SunshineRainFlower. It helped me a lot. It helps to know that I am not alone.

      I do find that I’ll have on average a low day a week and then every few weeks I’ll have a very, very low day where everything seems so overwhelming, pointless and unfair. I’m feeling a bit better today, I know it will be busy at work but I feel stronger today to cope with it. Yesterday I felt like I was walking up a sand dune and the tufts of grass I was trying to use to steady myself and pull myself up with were barely holding in the soil. One wrong yank would pull it loose and I’d go tumbling down the hill! I’d felt this way before, post baby #2 and he was angry that I had sought help from my GP (this was long long before I was aware he was abusive) and made lots of promises on how he was going to ‘help out’ more, which never amounted to anything…

      I am sorry to hear that your job hasn’t worked out. From your other posts it sounds like it was a really poor fit and not a nice place to work! I am very lucky in having a very friendly, supportive place to work. I don’t know where I’d be without it. On the one hand it was my safe place to be me, to feel valued and appreciated when I was still with him; and since as a place of support.

      I have a spa day coming up and some holidays so I am looking forward to those.

      I hope your work situation improves. And thank uou so much for the quote at the end of your reply that I won’t always feel this way.. I know this logically (as I have come a long way already) but sometimes need to be reminded.

      Xx take care

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