Feeling very very very angry!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello all. I’ve been feeling very angry today. My siblings future in laws are coming and someone from my mums family suggested that I go elsewhere whilst they’re here. I was absolutely outraged, angry, upset, couldn’t stop crying. Why should I be driven from my own home? Why should I now feel uncomfortable about being in my own home? How does my circumstances reflect anything on my siblings ability to be a good wife or husband? I left my husband because he was abusive! This other person’s own daughters husband was controlling. They should understand how I feel and understand that things like this doesn’t help my situation.

I felt completely unsupported and I said I have done absolutely nothing wrong why should I be made to feel
like this? Who the hell has the right to say anything about me or to even think they can judge me? I said to my parents I’m disappointed in them if they ever listen to anyone like that again that I’ll permanently leave and they won’t have to worry about s**t like this! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!

[KIP.]

Could it be that they were actually concerned for your feelings? It just might not have come across the way it was meant?

[Ayanna]

That is outrageous. I would tell that person off.
Do you need to live with your family?

[Healthyarchive]

sorry this has upset you so much Positive, my experience is that anybody who is not abuse related just does not get the complexities of it all. I think that you did a really strong thing in leaving your husband.

[Serenity]

I would ask your family what theircreadon was for doing this.

It might be their clumsy way of trying to protect you, or may not be.

If their reasons weren’t to protect you, then yes, you deserve an apology. As you say, no one is immune. Abuse could happen to anyone.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you all it’s what I needed to hear. Basically it was said as a suggestion as to not reflect anything negative on our family and also because we don’t know them well so not to tell them just yet. They’ve already come before and I’ve been here. Why should I be driven out of my own home? I made it clear to my parents that no person ever has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home or drive you out. For the time being I have to live at home but I have on and off been thinking about moving out. It’s difficult as it is without having to endure stuff like this. I saw his friends again this morning! He still knows what I’m doing or who I’m with it makes me sick. This person will not apologise they think they are older and they know better. I’ve told my parents not to tell this person anything about me and if they want advice to speak to my dad’s family and not this person. My grandma would never advise anything of the sort. Unfortunately being an ethnic minority this is the type of stuff you have to endure it’s infuriating! This family members own daughter has left her husband because he was controlling so for her to even suggest this is insane. It’s ok I know who to trust and who not to. You watch when I buy my own place, I get remarried again and I’m happy I’ll show her the stupid cow!!

[Ayanna]

Do not think of marriage yet.
Buying your own home is a good plan.
You do not need to marry.
Consider well in the future whether you want to have this legal paper. Nowadays women do not need it and I advise everyone against it.
You do not need to follow everything what your family taught you.
Read feminist books before you make another life changing decision.
I recommend you read everything from Andrea Dworkin.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

It’s not happening any time soon but I’m from an ethnic minority I want to have children it’s the only way. I’ve given myself a timeline of when I’ll be out of here. My husband was very controlling and isolated me from everyone so I know I need to rebuild myself in order to be able to make this move. I have a city in mind where I have lived before I am safe there, I have friends there and I would benefit from a better life there. See the thing is I do believe in love, I do believe that there is something out there for me and I will not let this idiot ruin my happy ending. I can and I will do a lot better but in the meantime I feel I need to completely cut off my community to the max. I need to try and focus on moving out I need this one thing for me. I can only rely on myself! My parents won’t be on this earth forever it’s up to me to make my life how I want it to be. I refuse to rent as it will mean I can’t save up for a deposit on a house so that’s what my plan is. I don’t consider this person as my family I consider her as a piece of ****

[Serenity]

Yours is an example of how we still have a long way to go to erase the taboo around domestic abuse.

In society, people put so much store by outward appearances.

Don’t feel diminished, Positive. You have nothing to feel ashamed about, in fact your family should be proud of you.

Your parents might feel a bit overwhelmed and feel pressurised to impress, but that is where society needs to progress. And you’re right, you shouldn’t be turfed out of what should be your haven.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you you’re right to even suggest this is diabolical! My mum told me dad not to say anything of the sort to me but unfortunately he didn’t listen to her and he paid the price. I refused to go somewhere with them today and I got back into my bed, shut the door and refused to go out then I said you want to get rid of me it will pay you! Get your cash out I’m having a night on you! Then he pleaded with me to go with them he said he made a mistake he really regretted it and he should have listened to my mum. He said if I didn’t go with them he would be upset so would my mum and the person who we went to visit. The person we went to visit had horrible in laws a horrible first marriage. He’s remarried, moved to another city to get away from his ex in laws and he now has two beautiful children. I went because he understands my situation, he too has been there, he didn’t judge me or dictate to me he told me to my face that my husband was ugly! He had nothing going for himself and I could do so much better. When I looked at him today I thought wow he must have never thought this would happen. He came from abroad speaking minimal English and did all this himself. I’m British born with a great education and career so why can’t I rebuild my life if he could? My sister and brother know what happened and they said this person was wrong they explained to me until my parents say I should get out of this house I’m welcome here. They said this person was completely wrong and we are a family we don’t need to go to her for anything. I’m going to sit my dad down very politely in the next few days and explain to him how much this hurt me. I won’t accept anyone turfing me out. I don’t feel like speaking to him for a few days but I don’t want to hold a grudge but he needs to see how he’s affected me. He’s told me he doesn’t care what society says and that no one has any right to question me but he listened to someone else when he should have listened to my mum. I’m very angry, hurt and upset with him I’m going to tell him how long I plan on staying here if God helps me with buying my own house. It’s my decision and that’s it I’m not staying here until I remarry in many years to come. No! I need my own space I need to get away from nosey people I still feel so angry I want to scream at the top of my voice!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh how dare anyone tell me to leave my own home! I hope Karma comes and smacks her right in the face she’s caused an argument between me and my family!

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