Feeling vunerable today

[godschild]

I wrote a post this morning and it has not come on. im feeling vunerable today , I have no more individual telephone calls with WA worker now ,its finished and I feel he is getting to me today. He was so so nice on saturday , looked and acted very gentle but by yesterday he changed, he cannot keep the niceness up its too much hard work for him !!!!, i knew he would revert back , but I felt drawn into him on saturday again.
Last nigh he asked me “do you think you exagerate what I have done to you “. Then today because I ma not falling back into the cycle of abuse , he cannot cope, i am stronger but feel like the bully is getting to me today, made me very angry and I felt like crying as well.
He uses spiritual abuse not sure in any of you lnow about that, my faith is very important to me and he tries to knock it, he said I am holding grudges against people and not forgiving, this is because there are certain people that i have cut from my life as they are either controlling or abusive or do not validate the abuse i suffer.
I wont meet up with many people with thim any more as I will not be false and he keeps saying that he cannot understand that at all, trying to chip away at my resolve, he calls it my stance on things.
He said that people would say i was crazy saying he is abusive then going out or away with him , but its the only I get out due to my agoraphobia, so he is trying to say people will doubt me on the abuse.
He said I have caused chaos in many situations , this is because I have made a stand on how i get treated its actually others who have caused chaos to me.
Then he had the nerve to say that the way I spoke to him was not very Godly, him having the nerve to say that to ME !!!!!!
I just feel alone with it all today, he is getting to me, then he starts his wierd talk and thats all I can call it, he says I am following him just because I may go into the same room as him at times, Ive had all of this rubbish before about following him, just need support and validation of what he is doing, im sure some of you are familiar with these tactics.

[Starmoon]

Hi gc. It’s so sad that your phone calls have stopped.
I’m sure if we can, we will all help pick up where they have left off.
He’s trying to weaken your resolve to make you believe that he couldn’t have been as bad as he was. It’s such a never ending cycle with them. Acting so loving and caring- It throws us off guard when their mask slips.. And because they are so egotistical and so convincingly sure of themselves- it’s so hard not to believe them when they minimize the things they’ve done. They all picked us out because we were low on self beliefe so we asre easily convinced that they are rite over us. But that doesn’t mean we’re to blame. They are for taking advantage!!
I can categorically tell you that if you feel abused- then you are abused, if you feel intimidated or scared- then you are intimidated or scared!
It’s human nature to make mistakes, I bet we’ve all unintentionally hurt, upset or even scared someone at least one if not many times in our lives, but the difference is- if that someone told you how you’d (unintentionally) made them feel, you would acknowledge it, be sorry and seek to change how you dealt with things in future. Not of these men respect how we say their actions make us feel. They tell us we are wrong to feel that way and over time- it’s erodes who we are.
Using your faith against you is cruel and he knows exactly what he’s doing.
Sending you big hugs gc. You’ve always been here for me. It must be so tiring being on your guard with him all the time. X*x

[godschild]

Thankyou Starmoon, I know he is trying to drag me down and pull me back into the cycle, he then “hits ” where it hurts verbally when he does not get his own way.
Yes using my faith is cruel , he tries to say my behavoir is not christian that God is not pleased with me.
Thankyou for the hugs, hugs back to you xxxx

[Starmoon]

I don’t know anything about religion but that can not to the truth. What he’s saying is merely another tool to hurt you. Anyone with any ounce of decency will tell you that you deserve to validate your own feelings.
I read a quote about Forgiveness recently. I’ll email it to you now as it mite be deleted if I post here xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Godschild, I am sorry that your WA has stopped that may be why he has started again with this talk. I think he is trying to get you to question yourself, almost defend yourself in a way. He attacks your religion because he knows it will get a response. He calls you the abuser because he knows it will get your back up. The thing is with your agoraphobia if you did not go out with him you would not go out at all and anyone who has any kind of understanding about it would know that. xx

[Ayanna]

Big hugs, Godschild. I hope you feel better today.
This man is so cruel.
Why can Women’s Aid not support you any further?

[godschild]

Thankyou all lLadies your support means so much to me. Thankyou Starmoon for the quote I have replied to you.

Drama Queen, you are dead right, he is trying to get me to question myself. Yes he does attack my religion becasue he knows it will hit me hard and get a response, he once said to me “im not sure I want to share you with Jesus “. So he is jealous of it as well, he proffesses to have faith but his behaviour speaks otherwise, he uses my faith to look good to people , when it suits him.
Thankyou for you response on the agoraphobia, that is exactly why I go out with him, it would be worse to not go out with this situation, I really would be a total prisoner inmy home.
Thanks for hugs Ayanna, yes he is so cruel, he is not so much physical , but the cruelty hits very hard. I think he is what Lundy Bancroft calls the water torturer in his book, he has other aspects of abusivness alongside this as well
WA only give a certain length of time to help, not sure if this is accross the board,would be interested to know if other ladies have, had a time limit on their individual help.
They gave me 3 months at once a week then 3 months at once a fortnight and that is it, if I need more individual help I would have to clarify exaclty why as they see that once you have seem the truth and learned the dynamics that is their role to you
I can call the helpline, but its so hard to get through and you get a different person each time.
My first worker left and I had to change and now this worker is leaving at the end of the month anyway, but I already feel lifted up by your ladies understanding and support. hugs to you all xxxxx

[Serenity]

Hi Godschild,

I get a lot of peace from my spirituality, and never tried to convert my ex to my way of thinking. I just wanted to live with my source of peace, and I didn’t consider it my place to tell him what to believe. Faith is a very personal thing.

However, it seems my faith was a massive problem for him, because when he left suddenly all this poison came out of his mouth where he put down my beliefs, ridiculed them and he even went as far as to buy stickers for his van making fun of my beliefs.

A friend of mine whose ex did similar told me that her ex husband had actually confessed to her that he was envious, because she was at peace and he wasn’t.

These abusers will try to wreck anything that gives us peace, happiness or sustenance, because they themselves don’t possess those things, do they don’t want us to have it.

People should be free to believe whatever they like if it makes them happy and does not harm others. Abusers are very often very opinionated, inflexible people who want to convert others to their way of thinking and are intolerant of others’ beliefs.

I think they are often political bullies too, with staunch views and they only tolerate those who told the same views as them.

Ironically, when I met my ex, I thought he was a free spirit and very open-minded. Well, I was slightly off in my estimation. He is without morals, but he is a pent-up bully who insists of getting people to do things his way.

You hold on to your precious faith, Godschild. It will give you strength in tough times. Your faith is none of his business, and you tell him so.

[godschild]

Thankyou so so much Serenity, all that you have said rings true, my faith dies sustain me in hard times, thankyou for the validation that it is none of his business, he just hates me to have anything he does not have or as you said indeed anything that helps me or makes me happy xxxxxx

[Anonymous]

How are things this morning are you feeling any better xx

[godschild]

Hi dramaqueen, I still feel a bit down, its like he knocks it all out of me mentally when he is like this,knocks me down and I feel like giving up, but I will rise again, Ive felt like this so many times.
He is still making comments but Ive walked away, he is out to get me in anyway he can but he wont succeed as i have support on here.
How are you , is yours any better now xxxx

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