Feeling vunerable

[Falling Skys]

As most of you know I am stuck with my abuser till the house sales.

He just woke me up to tell me there was an issue with the car. He used my name and there was kindness in his voice.

I didn’t see him but he didn’t need to have done it.

But one kind word and I can feel myself melt. I am see why I stayed so long.

I even started thinking he’s not that bad m. I’m a fool.

😯

[Tuppance]

Dear Falling Sky’s. It’s sort of horrible when they are nice because it devalues your feelings/thoughts. I am only just starting to keen about all of this but my h is being particularly nice to the children at the moment once I said I wanted to separate but he still shows his true colours with me from time to time. I have a note of all the things he has done and I update it constantly to remind myself of the true person he is. It is such a confusing life and I completely understand where you are coming from. X

[Suntree]

So he woke you up when he didn’t have too.

But its okay because he said it nicely?

I fell into that trap so many times. They hide the abuse behind sugar and spice, smoke screens and pretend caring.

Mine we both agreed to sell the house and move on suddenly had time do do things as a family, it threw the kids completely, my heart broke knowing I used to beg and plead with him to do this and now he is (but for how long?)

It was always a ploy, always a manipulation. He never wanted to sell the house and the ploy was to show what a nice guy he was and a complete “cow” I was.

Abusers as you can’t judge them by consistent actions are experts with words and word manipulation.

Read, do courses most of all change the scrip in your head to how a decent person would treat you. Waking you up from your sleep to tell you something when it could have waited is not one of them.

[Suntree]

Removed double entry

[Falling Skys]

I had kept a diary of abuse to remind me. But haven’t up dated it in a while but I will do last week there was a couple of incidents that made me very edgy. He is gaslighting and I didn’t realise…

The being considerate is the hardest now wondering what the punch line will be.

FS x

[Healthyarchive]

Have a look at 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, its free to read on Amazon.

I believe now that that niceness is actually part of the emotional abuse game. It keeps you confused, wishing, doubtful and questioning yourself. Months after splitting with my ex I still question his validity during the time that we were together. We had some times which were so tender and I saw what I believe was a genuine other side to him. In my own situation I think that I had touches of real ness but there was an undercureant of gas lighting, lies and manipulation most of the time. The book that I have mentioned really helped me. X*X It also might help you to read How to Mend a Broken Heart by Christine Webber. It gets you to look at what you actually liked (rather than loved) about your ex. I liked 4 things, 1 of those could have applied to anybody. In a good healthy relationship I should have liked 15 plus things and those things should have been absolutely specific to him. So the nice, tender true times that I said about earlier, they may have been true and real, but they weren’t enough. They fell into my 3 liked things.

[Serenity]

Hi FS,

There are two possible reasons for him being nice:

1. You might have caught a glimpse of some softness that he normally keeps hidden away.

2. It’s all part of his manipulation, to try to confuse you and soften you for some reason, such as so you don’t do something he doesn’t want you to do, or to make you do something he wants you to do. It to just hook you back in so he can later slap you down again- to get you caught up in the cycle again so you are back on board again, caught up in the push- pull cycle, playing his game.

I would be more likely to believe it’s number 2). Even if the answer is 1), abusers don’t let this side of themselves show too often. It makes them feel like they’ve lost power, being nice. They easily slip back into being horrible again. This way, they feel in control; plus, they need a focus for their daily rage ( you). The overriding thing here is to focus on the abuse hen you feel like this- to remember the terrible things he has done. Because that is what he’s capable of.

My friend a while ago, during my divorce, told me to cut off my emotions if he ever appeared nice. I did, and was glad I did, as it was later proved that this apparent niceness had a selfish motive.

[Escaped not free]

Fs, I totally understand how hard it is. My ex has been the kindest, most attentive, helpful, nurturing individual out there now he’s lost the power. I’ll admit it was everything I wanted to hear. He’s seeing a psychologist, he’s disgusted with his actions, ashamed of himself, I deserve to be treated like a princess, he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. This is the same man that when I said I couldn’t take any more, begged him to get help, made myself and my children homeless. I have a good job, I can support myself and kids but all the money for the bills was coming from my account. I offered him help with renting if he let the kids and I stay there, did everything I could to make it easier for him, felt guilty at being the one to say enough. In the end I had to go to court to get him removed from the house and he actually argued that I should have to carry on paying for him to live in the house thus preventing me from being able to afford anywhere else. This was my children’s (not his children) home. That I had chosen to be homeless, that I therefore should remain sofa surfing with my children so he could remain in the house. This was after the police charged him with aggressive and threatening behaviour and stalking offences. He was still at this point trying to exert control, told our friends that he had to film me without my knowledge because I might bash my head on a worktop and blame him. The only thing I did was leave him, I asked him to tell me what else I did and he couldnt, there was nothing. I’d just said no and enough. As soon as he showed some humanity my heart melted again. Because of my children I have decided not to let him back and our home has to be sold.
It’s unbelievably sad that he can’t be the man I do think he would like to be. I don’t believe necessarily all abusers are evil, controversial here I know. I think it’s much more complicated than that. I do though believe there comes a time where you have to draw a line and say I can’t take this anymore and it’s my basic human right not to have to deal with it. I don’t believe he is evil, I do believe he loves me. I also believe he doesn’t know any other way to show that love than be in control of me and in command of my full attention all the time. It’s extremely hard, when u see the man you know they can be, that in there somewhere is a good guy. For your own sake though you need to believe it shouldn’t be that hard to love you and treat you with respect. If your partner of all people doesn’t just do that naturally then who will. X

[Falling Skys]

Thank you so much ladies, I know in my heart its all a ploy to continue the abuse. He was playing the person I wanted. He use to do this when we were together to rain me in when I was at breaking point and was thinking of leaving.

I was thinking during the day, all the cruel things he had said and done, he still knows the buttons to push to get to me.

Strangers have shown me more kindness and respect.

What ever happens I can’t return to the controlled person I was I am finding my wings.

FS xx

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