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Hello,
Without even having had chance to respond to the lovely helpful replies to my other post yet, I’ve woken up today feeling really weak, filled with self doubt over whether it was bad enough to leave and take our children and therefore effectively ruin his life and in a big muddle about why on earth I’ve done this. I don’t want to meet anyone else, I doubt I will anyway or worse, they’d be the same type of person just not the father of my children therefore I may aswell have just stayed. It was only once a week type thing, it wasn’t that bad, it’s okay to be like that sometimes isn’t it, he was stressed, he was drunk, low self esteem, unemployed, felt rubbish, something had happened that day, etc. I can’t see how I’ll ever be free of the guilt of splitting up our family and him not seeing his boys grow up, they are so little and I’ve taken them. Why? Because I’m selfish because he didn’t do anything to them, these things mainly happened later at night and they weren’t aware. I’ve ruined so many peoples lives, his parents aswell must hate me because they will have heard his version of events – said a few things I shouldn’t have, we had a few arguments, she left, I didn’t know she was unhappy etc.
Feel like this level of happiness is it for me now apart from the joy my children bring me. And it’s hard doing it alone. I’m not lonely. But I am alone. Maybe it wasn’t bad enough to warrant such a big decision. But then why would I have left?! I wanted us to be a family. He insists I didn’t and I got what I wanted. Says he will always know the truth.
I feel like I’m being mentally tortured.
🙁
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Hi
My children are adults gheir own lives and I too am wracked with guilt for ending our relationship. My OH has gone from being controlling and emotionally abusive to a shadow of the man i used to know. After all that he has done I am the one left with the guilt and feel like I have broken him. It doesn’t seem fair but maybe it’s just part of the healing process. At least i hope so because I really want these feelings to pass as i am sure you do. One day at a time seems to be tak8ng forever. Wishing you strength and wellness
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He has ruined your life, and your children’s lifes. May be you don’t see how he affects them, but you will. And I regret now I have waited for so long, my eldest one needs help as well now.
You are responsible for your own life first, like in a plane crash – put your oxygen mask first and then to the kids. You are loosing your oxygen now because you’ve put the mask on him first! This is what we all were and are doing.
This is not your fault, but his fault!
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I learned the hard way that blood is thicker than water. Please block this family member and concentrate on your own recovery. I love what summerday says about the oxygen mask. I had to cut all contact with his side of the family. His daughter wrote and told me never to contact her again and my son told me not to expect to hear from him anytime soon. It’s victim blaming. Pure and simple and these people are victims of his lies and manipulation and in time they will see him for what he is. Meantime it’s zero contact with him any anyone associated with him that won’t one hundred percent take your side. My ex has set our son back years with his dysfunctional controlling behaviour. Ruined his education and job prospects. I implore you to get that man out of your life and that of your children asap. Cut off his oxygen supply x
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I don’t even know what to do about sending our children (well child, he won’t take the baby at the moment – golden child thing going on maybe?!) into an environment that is clearly simmering with anger and hatred towards me, their mother, the root of all evil in their eyes. It really frightens me. This is the same person who texted something equally simmering with hatred and blame a few weeks ago. It just knocks me for six. She is an intimidating and difficult person who I got on with fine for our entire relationship but only because I let things go and made sure of it. Now she has turned on me it scares me to think what they could say to our child/children when he visits them all.
This is when you think ugh I should’ve stayed and put up with it. He wasn’t horrid all the time.
I feel horrible and anxious and worried. I’m guessing I don’t bother to reply and defend myself?!
X
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itwillbeokay,
Sending you healing hugs! This is the pits – questioning everything. “It wasn’t that bad., was it?” “Maybe it was me?” etc etc. But the longer we are out of it and away from their toxicity the more clear it becomes. You need No Contact with him or his toxic relatives.
You say “He wasn’t horrid all the time.” but the fact is he was horrid some of the time and that is enough! We deserve to be treated with respect, care and love all the time. When I think back to my marriage, of course we had some wonderful times but that does not make up for the times I was walking on eggshells, stuck in a fog of fear and guilt, being made to feel worthless, being blamed for everything wrong in his life, the boasting about how wonderfully people saw him outside the home, doing everything for him but still not being enough! All that for a few laughs, a few intimate moments? I’d rather do without – but I’m not! I have my children who I can now revel in their company and sense of humour; I now have friends who genuinely care about me (who actually seek my company which felt so foreign at first!); and I have reconnected with my lovely non-toxic family. I don’t need him. Him and his conditional love. His temper tantrums. His sulks. His coercion. His guilt. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
There is nothing to be gained in responding and defending yourself (not that you have done anything wrong!) – they won’t hear it. You will possibly just end up in a toxic texting match – which will only make you feel worse. No contact is the way to go. Do not engage – it just gives them more oxygen and ammunition. The best way to avoid losing the games they play is just to not join in!
Stay strong, big hugs,
Iwillbeok x
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Thank you so so much, everyone. Thank you. My stomach is in knots and I’m hiding from my poor little children trying to pull myself together. It just seems so unfair and it’s horrible as I’m simply not used to falling out with people who feeling that people literally hate me and want bad things for me. It’s utterly daunting and horrible. Plus my family have wanted to say things to the perpetrator of this whole situation and his family members but they refrain! Because it’s not appropriate and they are more able to I guess.
Ugh ugh ugh. What a horrid day.
Thank you. Think I’ll get outside with the children quickly and try and distract x*x
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Hi just wanted to show you some support. I tried and failed to leave very recently – trust me when I say you’re better off out of it. My husband isn’t violent just emotionally abusive so you could argue it’s not that bad but it is. I know you think his behaviour never affected the children by it would have eventually if you had stayed – when you’re contantly on edge waiting for the next kick off you’re not able to be the best mum you can be – I know I’m snappy and unfair on my girls when I feel a fight brewing with him. You deserve to be happy – it’s not selfish to want that x
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I’m really sorry to hear this. It’s such a difficult situation, hard to stay, hard to leave. I can totally relate to what you’re saying, I felt I was starting to take my hyper vigilance out on my lovely innocent little boy and hated myself for it. I really really thank you for your post, it’s very helpful. I hope you can find the strength to leave soon. Much love xx
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