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I haven’t left yet but am thinking ahead. I’ve read a lot of posts about people still feeling longing feelings for their abuser. I totally get that people miss the good times, I would too. But for me things have deteriorated to the point where there are no honeymoon phases any more. Things are bad all the time and the very few times he’s nice actually p**s me off because of all the abuse.
Has anybody in a similar position still felt a longing to go back after they left? Just trying to get an idea of how I might feel so I don’t mistake anything for a sign to go back. Xxxx
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Yes I was in your shoes. No more honeymoon phases but that does t stop the cravings for them. If he had become all nice again I feel I may have crumbled but he assaulted me and was arrested and that kept me apart long enough for the fog to clear but there’s that addiction that will always leave us vulnerable. Brainwashing. So absolutely zero contact is the way forward and plenty time to fully heal before ever having contact.
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Yes I actually couldn’t bare him anymore, There was no longer frequent physically violence but constant verbal abuse and he wasn’t nice to me at all. I couldn’t stand him touching me and he would make me have sex with him. When the relationship ended by him being removed by the police I initially felt extreme guilt, and then over the next few weeks I missed who he was when he was nice, but he is not that person anymore. I wrote everything down that he has done to me – ended up 10 a4 pages long and also a summery on 1 a4 that I look at when I miss him because I think it’s easy to remember the good time and hard to think about the abuse, your brain protects you.
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My relationship was pretty much all bad at the end, he was callous and cruel almost all of the time, openly cheating etc. But yes I did still feel that longing, even though I knew if I went back something terrible would happen. I never knew about trauma bonding until much later, but it explains why I felt that way. He tried to get me to go back because I was the one that ended it, and threatened suicide etc. This kind if emotional blackmail is part of the pattern, and exploits that bond even if you feel you hate them. No contact was the only thing that saved me.
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The problem is that once you’re away from him the bad behaviour (potentially) stops and therefore the bad memories fade. Inevitably you yearn for what was once good.
I have been out (detail removed by moderator) now. I have had one week where I have missed the left I left. Not him, but the life. The rest of the time it has been bliss to be free of him – to the extent that I have questioned my own grasp of reality.
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This has been exactly my experience too. Missing and grieving the life I had and the very occasional grief for those “good times” and what could have been. Mostly grief for myself and the time I spent loving a man who didnt really exist. Lots of guilt in the early days but an awareness of that as conditioning makes that easier to handle. It’s not the same as missing someone. And I’ve mostly felt so free and elated that it often just feels like a bad dream I’ve woken up from, rather than a reality I lived for so many years.
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I had absolutely no love left for him. I had one moment when I was alone and upset and my instinct was to call him. It lasted for a split second and I didn’t call him. The last year of our life together was so terrifying and he was so vile during the divorce that the only feelings I have for him are hate and a need for justice.
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Nope nothing left at the end, mean, cruel, heartless and felt like a stranger to me. And no, afterwards, zero regrets or feelings. Apart from the shock of having had the relationship in the first place. Little by little you begin to regain yourself again and with it a clear perspective of what the relationship was and wasn’t. I feel bitter that he took valuable years of my life, but regrets are futile, so have to look forward. Depends where you are on the journey but no contact as KIP has mentioned is definitely the best way forward, just in case, it gives you a clear place in your head to be you again, to get your brain back, and start to heal away from the abuse. If you do think you might go back, start writing all the c**p down now, so you remember why you left in the first place. Record him abusing you (without him knowing), and play it back every now and again in case you waiver. Doesn’t sound like you will, but time does weird things to our heads, like childbirth, there are women who go back and do that over and over and over again!! Haha. Just joking, but you know what I mean. Stay strong and stay safe. Safe exit plan is the way forward, and don’t let him know. xx
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My dad drove the van when we went to collect all my stuff that the ex had threatened to throw into the street. I had no feelings for him at all apart from revulsion and dislike. Still, I had tears in my eyes when we drove away. Dad asked why I was crying. I wasn’t sure exactly but it was the last time I cried for him or the relationship. I wanted no more contact with him but he had other ideas. You may not miss him but that won’t necessarily stop him trying everything to get you back.
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I was ready to leave my marriage 2 years before it actually happened so I had emotionally left already. I felt massive relief, I have been sad for the times when it was good but the bad far outweighed those times. Sometimes I feel like I should be more heartbroken and I probably would have been had it happened like this years ago! Does that make sense. Wishing you all the happiness for the future
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I had lost all affection, used to wake up and think oh, he’s still here. Kept hoping he’d just disappear. I felt sorry for him initially and sadness that I have noone to share memories if kids with but I went no contact which I’m very proud of. Now about (detail removed by moderator) later I’m ok, angry as no closure re divorce etc and he continues to impact on my life but much happier without him.
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Yes. Me too. Those trauma bonds are strong ties. There is lots of information available that can help understand why we feel this way and that understanding helped me to stick with my no contact. It did take me 5 separate attempts to finally break free and not allow myself to fall for the same old empty apologies and promises, (detail removed by moderator). I also let Women’s aid help me with regular phone support. I was honest with them about my mixed up thinking and feelings and they helped me understand what was going on and how to navigate through it. Good luck. You can do this. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
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Like Hawthorn I have grief for myself over the long time spent with someone I loved so much and thought I knew so well but now realise (in recovery) didn’t exist. I very naively thought the abuse (never physical) would stop once he left, for what I knew was the final time (he didn’t) but despite ‘no contact’ it is now indirect and subtle. Divorce hit the anger button big time, how dare I!
Abuse left me with very confused emptions, as has been said the ties of trauma bonding, such a surprise to me, are very strong. Learning about & understanding about it helps but it is so hard to make the longing go completely. -
Like Hawthorn I have grief for myself over the long time spent with someone I loved so much and thought I knew so well but now realise (in recovery) didn’t exist. I very naively thought the abuse (never physical) would stop once he left, for what I knew was the final time (he didn’t) but despite ‘no contact’ it is now indirect and subtle. Divorce hit the anger button big time, how dare I!
Abuse left me with very confused emptions, as has been said the ties of trauma bonding, such a surprise to me, are very strong. Learning about & understanding about it helps but it is so hard to make the longing go completely. -
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Hi
It’s great to hear so many perspectives on this, thankyou all for sharing.
I sort of left recently, I am visiting relatives, I had planned to go no content once I left. Before I left all I could think about was leaving. But I was also so overwhelmed and not sure..
Now I am away, I just think about going back. I still speak to him as I pretend everything is all fine..
Were things not that bad, his bad behavior was so subtle i still think maybe we could be ok.
Gosh its so hard-
Hi Eyesopening, yes it is so hard. I can now see that everything abusers do is to make it hard for us to be ourselves and do what’s best for us. That’s how they keep us trapped.
Have you done any reading up on abuse? You might find that reading about it helps remind you of how bad it was. I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (you can find it free online and read it on your phone). He has also written another book about whether you should leave. I haven’t read it but maybe it could be helpful while you’re doubting your decision. xxxx
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